so, here's my personality.

i just got back from the Designer Genes get-together at church tonight. as if i didn't already know, i'm a full blown phlegmatic, and...

*i like avoiding conflict and keeping peace.

*i need to feel worthy and understood.

*i need emotional support.

*i hate making decisions.

*i like a dry sense of humor.

*even when i'm excited about something, i don't always show my enthusiasm.

*i have a hidden will of iron.

*i'm very friendly but i'm an introvert.

*i hate personal confrontation. i'd almost rather die.

*i like people who will make decisions for me, who recognize my strengths, and who will not ignore me. (amen!)

*i dislike people who are too pushy and expect too much of me. (double amen!)

*i am inoffensive.

*i should learn to face my own problems as well as i handle other people's problems.

*i'm recognized by my calm approach.

*i'm much better at listening than talking.

*i usually doubt people more than i believe them.

...just in case you needed to know how to better deal with me. :)

no, but on a more serious note, i believe when we invite the Holy Spirit to come in and begin changing us, He can change our personalities for the better. sure, i hate confrontation, but i'm praying He'll give me the grace to be confrontational when it's necessary. i'm also praying for boldness and a confidence of who i am in Christ. and i want grace for people who were made to be different than me.

come as close as You want...

i was driving home from work one night when i was still living in Birmingham well over a year ago, and this phrase just came to me...

don't hand your heart to someone who can't feel the weight of it.

i knew it had to be from the Lord, because i couldn't come up with it on my own.

as i was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, i heard it again, and it took on a whole new meaning. i'm in a different place now than i was before, and for the first time, i'm learning how to trust someone else with my heart.

i've always trusted the Lord with my heart. i'm fully known by Him. He knows everything about me and loves me perfectly despite my shortcomings. but when it comes to trusting others, i'm hesitant. maybe hesitant is an understatement... and maybe it's more like resistant.

yes. resistant.

i've spent the majority of my life guarding my heart, and i've always counted that as a good thing until now.

i don't want to be misunderstood... guarding our hearts is a good thing. our hearts are so valuable and do not need to be placed in the hands of ones who don't recognize their worth. i just think that while trying to protect myself, walls have been built that are difficult to tear down. insecurities that have built up over time make their way to the surface and lie to me.

but i do know that just within the last few months, the Lord has taken the insecurities i've given him and restored me. and i also know that He will continue restoring and healing me until i'm with Him.

and that someone who's come along that's worth giving my heart to... he's patient and realizes this is all a process.

our hearts are big. our hearts are sometimes heavy. our hearts can hurt. our hearts are to be prized. we need to know whoever we hand them to will be careful with them.

perfect love casts out all fear.

oh, that we could love like we are loved... to the end.

to the end.

come as close as You want

consume this heart that longs to burn

i know Your fire can hurt

but i would be worse here without You

for i was made to dwell with you

and how i ache until i do

Holy God take my heart

purge with flame and truth

a holy heart is all i want

that i may live with you

come and take all these chains

that get in the way of what You want

as i stand in the flame

still i will say i trust You God

-misty edwards

confession

i have a confession.

i gossiped at work yesterday and today.

i knew i was gossiping while i was gossiping… and i kept on gossiping. that’s my story that has gotten me in trouble in the past. i knew i was doing wrong while i was doing wrong… and i kept on doing wrong.

the difference between now and then is that now i’m learning to admit when i’m wrong and make it right. there comes a point where we have to take responsibility for our actions and stop blaming everyone else.

so… as i was sitting in the cafeteria with several co-workers talking about so-and-so and how she could possibly continue to act like she’s been acting, i was reminded that i’m no different. i let my flesh win some and make bad decisions.

one of the guys i was talking to asked me a little later what my tattoo on the back of my neck means, and i proceeded to tell him, “Yeshua.” i didn’t like how it felt saying His name and knowing i wasn’t doing a very good job portraying Him.

i really do want to honor Him. i am so glad His blood covers me.

i choose to love.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me. I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again. God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

-Donald Miller "Blue Like Jazz"

gentle reminder

i was walking down one of the halls of the hospital coming back from lunch earlier today, and i caught myself thinking how hard it is for me to put my full trust in someone. i like to think i'm a trusting person, but when it comes down to facts, i'm not.

i set my standards so high that people always let me down. i'd rather go through my day with no expectations and be pleasantly surprised than have high expectations that hardly anyone can meet. i wouldn't even be able to meet my own expectations... and that's crazy.

so, while i was walking, the Lord gently reminded me... "your faith is not in man but in me." that's a good thing too. because even though we have the capacity to love, we'll never fully love like Jesus until we're made like Him. of course the more we grow in Him, the better we get at it, but we'll never love like we should 100% of the time until we're home.

i'm glad He constantly reminds me that He's the only one who can satisfy this hole in my heart that's been here since the beginning so i can have grace for people. i want more grace. and i want to love people even when i don't feel loved by them.

if you're reading this, pray for me. i've been seeking direction, and i know i probably need to take the first step (that's usually the way it goes), but i'm still unsure of what that step is. so... i'm waiting... and learning a lot in the meantime.

...and that's all i've got today.

:)