Sunday, November 10, 2013

such a time as this

i'm a very emotional and sensitive person. there, i said it.

and it feels good.

i'm slowly learning how to love this about me, but i've hated it for a long time. yes... hated. i realize that's not healthy, but i'm just being honest. i've always considered myself a laid-back person, and i still think i am in a lot of ways, but most times i'm affected by more than i let on. i take things to heart, i analyze situations in my mind a billion times, and i can take something so small so personally. i've always wanted to be one of those 'tough gal' types. the gal that can be told almost anything and still lets the words roll right off her back. the gal that can see another with great qualities and still loves her own qualities just as well. the gal who doesn't compare herself to others but sees her worth. the strong one.

but now i'm learning (even though it's a slow process) to love who God created me to be. He did not create me to be insecure or have low self-esteem by any means, but He did create me to be sensitive. He created me with a disability to slow me down a little and take notice of other gifts He's given me. i also think He gave me this physical affliction to learn how to really love and be loved. love isn't a feeling and it's not based on good circumstances. it's sacrifice and it's a choice. it's a daily commitment. it's choosing to be there for someone even when it's hard.

i've had days (even recent ones like today) when i feel very unlovable. i can think of at least a thousand people who could do it better than me... who could give more than me... who could make it look so much easier.

and that is so selfish... to the ones loving me unconditionally and the One who made me.

He created me with a purpose in mind. He created me to be me --- slow but full of life. sensitive but showing mercy.

He gave us certain gifts to use for Him, and if we're busy feeling sorry for ourselves or comparing ourselves to everyone else around us, we're unable to use these gifts effectively. it's as simple as that.

He chose me for such a time as this...

and i'm daily learning to be unashamed and free because He made me free.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

the Lord is faithful to the end.

i really love that the Lord cares about everything that matters to us... even the smallest things.

a little over two weeks ago, i went with Mom to birmingham to shop for my wedding dress. if you know me at all, you know i'm not a dress shopper. i think most dresses are adorable, i just don't wear them too often. and i definitely don't like trying them on. shopping for my prom dresses in high school was pretty much as close to a nightmare as it gets.

my attitude was slightly predominantly negative preceding the trying on of dresses, but the whole day turned out to be a huge success and such a blessing. Mom and I had a long overdue fun day (including lunch at The Cheesecake Factory!), and my wedding dress was the 4th one i tried on!

for everyone who may read this and is looking for a wedding dress, i highly recommend The White Room. Carolyn and her daughter Cathy are absolutely amazing! they were precious and so very accommodating. when Carolyn told me Cathy would find me a dress that day, i have to admit, i was doubtful. 'the dress' she ended up bringing me was nothing like the one i had pictured, but she knew exactly what would look best on me. when i got it on and all pinned up, i knew it was the one. after we bought it, Cathy came back in the dressing room and her eyes were as big as saucers. she brought the tag to me and told me to read the name of the dress... and it was named 'Emily.' [oh, and my dress had been marked half off right before i got there.]

God took a day that i was dreading and turned it into a story i can tell.

He really does care about all the details.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

purposeful relationships

i have an idea.

instead of Facebook messaging or texting a friend or family member today, why not call them up and say hello? (i'm speaking to myself as i type these words, too, because i'm just as bad about this as anyone). i'm trying to be better. but seriously, this whole social media thing has gotten out of control. i am not saying it's all bad. i'm using social media by blogging for the whole world to see (although i'm quite sure approximately two people will read this and that i'll also eventually hate even the idea of blogging at all). i think it'd be safe to say that at least 50% of social media leads to nothing good. and i'm aware i'm sometimes extreme to a fault.

i've been encouraged via Facebook, no doubt. i know most of us lead busy lives and it's hard to be intentional in maintaining our friendships when we have so much going on in our own lives. i have a number of close friends, and even though we may go a month without talking, we have no doubt we're still friends. life is just busy, and we have to prioritize. all of that to say: it's good to use social media when we have five minutes instead of an hour to catch up. and it's also nice to come across an encouraging thought/quote/video that may help us through our Mondays.

but we CANNOT replace one-on-one interaction with social media. period. if i see one more husband and wife having a conversation over Facebook while they are sitting in the same room, i might just throw up. it's not cute, and it doesn't make the world say, "awww, look at those two." honestly, it makes me wonder why they're not saying what they need to say to each other in person. our words do not need the world's approval. being one who sometimes says way too much without considering my words beforehand, privacy is becoming so much more special to me. if we share all of our most intimate moments with the world, we have nothing left for the most special people in our lives.

sanctity. sacred. valuable. all of these words come to mind. in my opinion, we all need to lay low for a while and understand the meaning of these words for ourselves.

sorry for the rant.

Color palette.

(...minus anything chevron)




Monday, September 30, 2013

the love of God

as it turns out, i don't have much going on in my head to write; but, since i told myself i'd make it a point to, here i am. i guess since i've gotten out of the habit, this blank screen is a little more intimidating than it used to be, but i'll get past it.

the only meaningful thought i have today is this: the love of God really overwhelms me.it's unfathomable to me how He loves me, but He does. and it's proven to me time and time again in not only His grace and mercy for me but also in His justice. He never lets me get away with something for too long without calling me out on it. it's heartwrenchingly painful. let's not even pretend like it's not. sometimes it makes me want to bury my head in my pillow and my tears and not come back into the world for a day or two... or twenty. but it's in the pain and the doubt and the lessons and the hard conversations that i'm being transformed. i don't want to be like me anymore. i want to be like Jesus... selfless and so in love with people. i'm just so thankful He hasn't given up on me yet.

the only love that won't disappoint you is one that won't change, that can't be lost, that is not based on the ups and downs of life or how well you live. it is something that not even death can take away from you. God's love is the only thing like that. 
Keller

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

the biggest update... almost two months late.

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

and yes, i'm very excited. i am SO ready to be married, i'm just not crazy about the whole 'getting ready for it' thing. i know most girls dream of their weddings from the time they are born, but i just wasn't one of them. i didn't have my wedding dress picked out (and still don't), i didn't have the flowers, colors, the food, and the bazillion other details in order, and i didn't have the boy i was going to marry in mind... even though i think i did say i was going to marry Ben Brewer in 4th grade. i'm pretty sure every one of the girls in my 4th grade class said those words at least once in her 4th grade career.

since i still don't have many of the details of my wedding planned out, i'll just take this time to talk about the man i'll be joining in marriage. Kevin Hanner.

oh... Kevin.

a big 'thank you' goes out to my best friend, Kimberly, now. she's the reason i met Kevin that weekend in November of 2011 at the irish bred pub. it was a few days before my birthday, and i had just ended a year and a half relationship. the break-up was hard, for sure, but it was the first time in months that i felt relief. between the tears, i felt so much peace. i knew i had made the right decision. Kimberly had mentioned Kevin a few times in conversation, and i had known he was friends with her and Travis, but that was it. she had told both me and Kevin that she wasn't setting us up (and it's good she did, because i can honestly say at that moment in my life i cared less about meeting another boy than i have ever cared less about anything). all i remember about the night i met him is ordering shrimp and grits, still being hungry after i ate my little bowl of food (that i'm still positive was just a side dish), Kevin sharing a bite of his sandwich with me, not talking much, and thinking it was nice when he opened Kimberly's car door for me when we left. i have to give credit where credit is due, and apparently Kimberly is a genius. after that night there was no turning back. we went four-wheeling the next day, and the rest is history.

good history, though.

Kevin got my digits, started texting me, called me a few days later, and he has called me every day since. we had talked every day since we met, but it wasn't till February of 2012 (the 12th to be exact) he 'officially' asked me to be his girlfriend. i think i said yes before he even finished the question. it was that day i decided to trust fully again. [of course, there was that time about a month later that i had a minor freak-out and broke up with him for about three weeks. i was scared, i cried, he cried, and i was miserable every day until i asked him to take me back. he did.]

but Kevin... he's just a really amazing person to know and teaches me something new every day. and i don't even care how cheesy this sounds right now because it's 100% truth. i never could imagine being my complete self with anyone until him.

i could say a lot about my past, but i don't have the desire to say anything about it except that i'm thankful for all the hard times because it makes the present that much more special. i wouldn't know what i have now if i hadn't gone without it for so long.

Kevin is genuine. he doesn't do what is right for show but because he knows it's the right thing to do. he's a private person and he lets very few see all the different aspects of him. he would do just about anything for anyone. he has the most tender heart. he took care of his grandparents until they each took their last breath, and he wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. a couple times i've mentioned feeling bad about him spending the majority of his life physically taking care of them and now taking care of me too (you know... us women sometimes get emotional and make really upside-down statements from time to time), but he doesn't see me as a burden but as a gift. he doesn't see having to carry me from time to time as a discomfort but as something he loves to do. i have never felt as safe as i do when i'm with him because i know he'll always do everything in his power to protect me. Kevin loves making my life easier, but he also pushes me to be better. he is probably the smartest guy i know. give him a couple parts and he can build something with them (yes... just two). he's actually planning on building me some training wheels pretty soon so we can ride bikes together. i never learned to ride a bike without them, but i used to ride the crap out of mine with the extra wheels when i was 7 or 8ish. my goal is to learn to ride a bike without them; however, if you pass us by on our county road come April and you think for a split second that you've seen something you're not quite sure of... you've made no mistake. you've just seen a 29-year-old zoom by with life-size training wheels. Kevin loves me for who i am. and he listens. man, does he listen. i can tell him my true feelings and he doesn't withdraw or back away. he comes closer. he drives out all the fear, but he also claims that he's not perfect and puts everything into perspective for me. his pursuit of me reminds me of Jesus. Kevin is my sunshine, every day, and he makes my life so much brighter than it was before. oh, and he's freakin' hilarious.

okay... i knew i would get carried away, so i'm stopping. right now.

to sum it all up: Mrs. Emily Hanner on April 5th, 2014! YAY!


Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day, y'all.

i got to play with my Talley girls today, and i loved every bit of it. oh... and Barrett Smith Tucker is one of the cutest little things i've ever seen. i'm glad his fingers were there to comfort him while his tummy hurt so i could spend a little time holding him. today, i'm thankful for the mothers-to-be (and, no, ET is not pregnant) and my friends who are already amazing mothers! i'm pretty much just thankful for life and that God had this all figured out before the world began. He knew who we would need, and He knew how beautiful it all would be.



Monday, May 6, 2013

you don't have to be afraid.

i haven't written in awhile, and it's not that i haven't felt inspired. i've just felt busy.

busy and safe.

in the past, i've used writing as an outlet for a lot of internal struggles that i could never express without a pen in hand or a blank screen in front of me. maybe it's because i felt insecure or scared or a little of both. i still experience these emotions, but every day, they are loosening their grips on me.

i believe that's what happens when we feel loved and valued. we are always loved and valued by the One who spoke us into existence, but we don't always FEEL it. sometimes we need earthly relationships that model His love for us to re-affirm it more and more.

i can honestly say i feel loved and valued. my relationship with the Lord and with Kevin have taught me that i can be myself and be loved just as i am. i don't have to put up a front , and i don't even have to pretend to like something i don't. i can speak the words that are on my mind and in my heart. i don't have to be afraid.

i'm currently learning to find a healthy balance between the two... between saying exactly what's on my mind and using discernment. we say 'honesty is the best policy,' and that's true, but we have to make sure whatever it is we have to say is said at the right time and with the right attitude. and the right time could be a day or even a year down the road. words have such power, and i'm continuing to remind myself daily. in the past two years, i've gone from not opening up about what's bothering me to sometimes (OK... more often than not!) saying way too much. it's so nice to be with someone who gives me the freedom to speak and be heard. Kevin doesn't always agree with me, or i with him, but we know there's love regardless. that's such a wonderful thing.

love really isn't all that hard when it's true.

so... here's to truthfulness and discernment... to speaking out and biting our tongues... and to the ones who make figuring all this out worthwhile. :)

you don't have to be afraid.