merry little Christmas!

the stars were bright tonight.

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

Oscar Wilde

...because He first loved me.

i supply, you demand

is this the deal we made?

making up and compensating for and filling this space inside you

but never gaining anything

my reserves are running low

is your conscious wearing thin?

occupying your half vacant heart until [hopefully] Someone better rides up

and ropes you in again

you want without words

will you claim me as a right?

covering you with love and arming you with certainty will never get old

but how i wish it would be returned this time...

...i endure, you attain

what is love without a price?

fighting is not fighting at all if there is no battle to win or cost to pay

so let me give my love away

(c) 2009

several of the conversations i've had with friends during the past few weeks have been about love and our views of it. these conversations got me to thinking about how God's view of love is completely opposite of ours. we have this idea that if we give of ourselves, we need something in return. it's been ingrained into us. our pride tells us we shouldn't be the ones making all of the effort.. all of the phone calls.. all of the sacrifices... and on and on..

..but the love of God goes beyond our ideas and thoughts and reaches to the lowest places. He loves us regardless of our actions, and He commands us to love as He loves. i'm still learning, little by little, but i want to love like Him. yes, others may title it as being weak or taken advantage of, but it's only because they have a different definition of love than the one found in Scripture...

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me. I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again. God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

-Donald Miller "Blue Like Jazz"

you shine brighter than anyone.

this is one of those nights when someone else's words can do much more justice than my own. so thank you, Paramore, for taking my heart and putting it to music.

and i’ve always lived like this

keeping a comfortable distance

and up until now

i had sworn to myself that i’m content

with loneliness

because none of it was ever worth the risk

but you.. are.. the only exception

i could follow you to the beginning

just to relive the start

and maybe then we’ll remember to slow down

and all of our favorite parts

help me come back down

i’m high above the clouds

you know i’m suffocating

but i blame this town

why do i deny

the things that burn inside?

down deep i’m barely breathing

but you just see a smile

you made yourself a bed

at the bottom of the blackest hole

and convinced yourself that it’s not the reason

you don’t see the sun anymore

and when it rains

will you always find an escape?

just running away

from all of the ones who love you

from everything

take your time

take my time

take these chances to turn it around

just take these chances,

we’ll make it somehow

‘cause i’ve seen love die way too many times

when it deserved to be alive

i’ve seen you cry way too many times

when you deserve to be alive

so you give up every chance you get

just to feel new again

my pain and all the trouble caused

no matter how long

i believe that there’s hope

buried beneath it all

and hiding beneath it all

and growing beneath it all

i drowned out all my sense

with the sound of its beating

and that’s what you get

when you let your heart win

and if it ends today

well i’ll still say that you shine brighter than anyone

shut-up and listen.

you may think this is coming from some bitter place deep in me, and maybe it is. but i think it's just something that's been on my mind for a couple of weeks that the Lord's been teaching me for much longer than that.

shut-up and listen.

profound, huh?

i used to know all the right things to say. i could spit them off [with Bible verses included], and i really felt like i was encouraging the people that came to me with heavy hearts. now i'm not so sure. Truth definitely needs to be spoken, but i've been learning we need to think about our words more carefully before we speak them out loud. our words can change someone's entire perspective on life. that can be a good change in perspective, but more often than not, their views end up just as skewed as ours.

...and if we don't have the will to shut-up on our own? the Lord will shut our mouths for us.

He has mine.

it's a humbling experience being asked questions such as, "what is your view on this?" and "how do you feel about that?" and literally not being able to speak. i, like almost all of humanity, have my views on certain issues, and not being able to gather my thoughts and form them into a statement that is fully coherent is beyond frustrating. it seems like this truth within me hasn't reached the air and others' hearts in so long. i feel like the wisdom i had as a child has flown out the window.

but maybe it's the best thing that's happened to me in a while.

if we keep repeating and replaying our own thoughts and beliefs without even considering what others have to say, how can we really learn anything? we can be right and know the truth about a lot, but sadly enough, we're never going to know it all. and we, with our flesh and prideful natures surrounding us, hate it.

He didn't create us to seek the truth out for ourselves; He's called us to commune together. we're not in this alone. we learn together, grow together, and love Him together. if we'd listen to others and not love hearing ourselves talk so much, we'd learn a thing or two... and we may even learn that we are wrong.

i overheard a co-worker last week ask, "have you ever wondered why we have two ears and only one mouth? it's because we need to listen twice as much as we talk." my point to a tee.

so... the past few months have been full of me just sitting back and listening [too bad i can't say it's been on my own accord]. people have a lot to say, that's for sure. i've been introduced to Truth in new ways, and i've also heard ridiculous ideas that leave me wondering where we went wrong. either way, it's been helpful. we're all busy running toward our own versions of truth, so when we hear from the living and breathing Truth, we just want more and more of Him.

and it's always good to be reminded that we've been blind ever since that day in the garden.

thankfully, He shines His light and allows us to see.