don't tell my boss.

i'm blogging at work. if my boss knew this, she'd probably curl up and die. i wouldn't dare risk it if she didn't wear heels every day and i couldn't hear her coming from down the hall to check on me (which, by the way, is a lot).

i've had a few conversations with people today that have made me very aware of something. the only frustrating thing about getting free is that it makes me want everyone else to get free... and they've got to want it for themselves. i'm nowhere near done sorting out my issues, and i'm confident there are still some buried down there that i don't even know exist yet, but i'm making a conscious effort in seeking the Lord and asking Him to reveal them to me.

we need restoration. we're all addicts in one way or another. i've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, but i've sure been addicted to people-pleasing. and while the consequences of my actions may be a little less severe than the drug addicts, the root of the problem is the same. we're messed up inside and we need to be fixed. the problem is that we try fixing ourselves and it's 0% effective. but thank God for His power in us!

as i start to shed layers of my old self, little by little, and begin to understand who He created me to be, i want others to experience this life.

p.s. she just snuck up on me and i almost got caught. oops. no more blogging at work, i suppose.

...offer your bodies as living sacrifices...

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

Romans 7:18

2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Philippians 2:13

3. We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.

Romans 12:1

so... as new leaders in Celebrate Recovery, we're required to go through the 12-step study. contrary to popular belief, leaders have internal issues too. shocking... i know.

the first two steps were pretty easy for me to accept. well, let's backtrack. after i swallowed the fact that i've been living in denial for a good while as a fake secure person (not to be confused with fake, secure person), the first two were simple. i am powerless without Him. i want to do good, but my flesh can't carry it out. it's only by Him working in me that His will is accomplished.

but here i am at step #3, and it's a little tough for me. it didn't seem hard at all when i read it the first time. besides, i gave my life over to Him years ago, right? oh, but how often i try to take care of my own will instead of turning it over to the One who can handle it best. it's hard for me to let go. i have these ideas of what i want my future to look like... who i want to be there with me... and what if He says no? what if He strips me of everything i think i need and just leaves me Himself? will i still believe He's worth it?

i'd like to think so, but to be perfectly honest, it'd be hard for me. as i'm just now scratching the surface of this wall of fear and insecurities i've had built up for so long, i'm also realizing i don't trust Him near enough. i know all of these truths... that His ways are higher than mine... that He knows what i need better than i ever could... that He loves me and wants the very best for me... so why is it so hard for me to surrender?

i just want to surrender. and not just once, but daily. all of me. completely.

oh, You are the best surprise.

so, this may be my new favorite song...

oh, it came suddenly

power rushing right through me

past my walls and through my doors

i'm not lonely anymore

how did You get inside?

my heart's like a maze at night

oh, but since You brought your light

i'm not lonely anymore

there's no need for rushing

when our lips are touching

this is love so clean and pure

all my life worth waiting for

oh, You are the best surprise

i see heaven in Your eyes

You've got my heart open wide

i'm not lonely anymore

baby, You give bliss

there's fire in Your kiss

Husband, You're the answer

to my prayer, my very wish

i will love You all my days

be Your wife, Your friend, always

home will be our favorite place

i'm not lonely anymore

-laura woodley osman

i need a breakthrough. i've been silent long enough. i just want Him to tear down this wall i built up a long time ago for whatever reason and be free... and fearless... and secure. i want to love people like He loves me --- and i can't give all of myself if i don't even believe i'm worth it.

Lord, deliver me. make me vulnerable and open my heart wide. i want nothing left inside of me but truth.

Love is greater than the fear.

i remember dreaming of this---his touch and laugh and heartbeat

never fully trusting that the dream would come to life

then he does, and i’m left here with a feeling somewhere between sickness and awe

the fear slips in along with insecurities, sometimes expected, never welcomed

my guarded heart slowly opening because Love is greater than the fear

raw and real and awkward and comfortable all at once

the more i learn of him, the more aware of this treasure i become

let me be brought low so he may be lifted up, let me be humbled for his good

and when this life is over, i’ll say i risked it all for this---for Love.

(c) 2010