merry little Christmas!

the stars were bright tonight.

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

Oscar Wilde

...because He first loved me.

i supply, you demand

is this the deal we made?

making up and compensating for and filling this space inside you

but never gaining anything

my reserves are running low

is your conscious wearing thin?

occupying your half vacant heart until [hopefully] Someone better rides up

and ropes you in again

you want without words

will you claim me as a right?

covering you with love and arming you with certainty will never get old

but how i wish it would be returned this time...

...i endure, you attain

what is love without a price?

fighting is not fighting at all if there is no battle to win or cost to pay

so let me give my love away

(c) 2009

several of the conversations i've had with friends during the past few weeks have been about love and our views of it. these conversations got me to thinking about how God's view of love is completely opposite of ours. we have this idea that if we give of ourselves, we need something in return. it's been ingrained into us. our pride tells us we shouldn't be the ones making all of the effort.. all of the phone calls.. all of the sacrifices... and on and on..

..but the love of God goes beyond our ideas and thoughts and reaches to the lowest places. He loves us regardless of our actions, and He commands us to love as He loves. i'm still learning, little by little, but i want to love like Him. yes, others may title it as being weak or taken advantage of, but it's only because they have a different definition of love than the one found in Scripture...

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me. I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again. God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

-Donald Miller "Blue Like Jazz"

you shine brighter than anyone.

this is one of those nights when someone else's words can do much more justice than my own. so thank you, Paramore, for taking my heart and putting it to music.

and i’ve always lived like this

keeping a comfortable distance

and up until now

i had sworn to myself that i’m content

with loneliness

because none of it was ever worth the risk

but you.. are.. the only exception

i could follow you to the beginning

just to relive the start

and maybe then we’ll remember to slow down

and all of our favorite parts

help me come back down

i’m high above the clouds

you know i’m suffocating

but i blame this town

why do i deny

the things that burn inside?

down deep i’m barely breathing

but you just see a smile

you made yourself a bed

at the bottom of the blackest hole

and convinced yourself that it’s not the reason

you don’t see the sun anymore

and when it rains

will you always find an escape?

just running away

from all of the ones who love you

from everything

take your time

take my time

take these chances to turn it around

just take these chances,

we’ll make it somehow

‘cause i’ve seen love die way too many times

when it deserved to be alive

i’ve seen you cry way too many times

when you deserve to be alive

so you give up every chance you get

just to feel new again

my pain and all the trouble caused

no matter how long

i believe that there’s hope

buried beneath it all

and hiding beneath it all

and growing beneath it all

i drowned out all my sense

with the sound of its beating

and that’s what you get

when you let your heart win

and if it ends today

well i’ll still say that you shine brighter than anyone

shut-up and listen.

you may think this is coming from some bitter place deep in me, and maybe it is. but i think it's just something that's been on my mind for a couple of weeks that the Lord's been teaching me for much longer than that.

shut-up and listen.

profound, huh?

i used to know all the right things to say. i could spit them off [with Bible verses included], and i really felt like i was encouraging the people that came to me with heavy hearts. now i'm not so sure. Truth definitely needs to be spoken, but i've been learning we need to think about our words more carefully before we speak them out loud. our words can change someone's entire perspective on life. that can be a good change in perspective, but more often than not, their views end up just as skewed as ours.

...and if we don't have the will to shut-up on our own? the Lord will shut our mouths for us.

He has mine.

it's a humbling experience being asked questions such as, "what is your view on this?" and "how do you feel about that?" and literally not being able to speak. i, like almost all of humanity, have my views on certain issues, and not being able to gather my thoughts and form them into a statement that is fully coherent is beyond frustrating. it seems like this truth within me hasn't reached the air and others' hearts in so long. i feel like the wisdom i had as a child has flown out the window.

but maybe it's the best thing that's happened to me in a while.

if we keep repeating and replaying our own thoughts and beliefs without even considering what others have to say, how can we really learn anything? we can be right and know the truth about a lot, but sadly enough, we're never going to know it all. and we, with our flesh and prideful natures surrounding us, hate it.

He didn't create us to seek the truth out for ourselves; He's called us to commune together. we're not in this alone. we learn together, grow together, and love Him together. if we'd listen to others and not love hearing ourselves talk so much, we'd learn a thing or two... and we may even learn that we are wrong.

i overheard a co-worker last week ask, "have you ever wondered why we have two ears and only one mouth? it's because we need to listen twice as much as we talk." my point to a tee.

so... the past few months have been full of me just sitting back and listening [too bad i can't say it's been on my own accord]. people have a lot to say, that's for sure. i've been introduced to Truth in new ways, and i've also heard ridiculous ideas that leave me wondering where we went wrong. either way, it's been helpful. we're all busy running toward our own versions of truth, so when we hear from the living and breathing Truth, we just want more and more of Him.

and it's always good to be reminded that we've been blind ever since that day in the garden.

thankfully, He shines His light and allows us to see.

curly Q

curly Q with a ponytail, she was light and free as the breeze.
her wild imagination carried her to places we could only dream of.
she tried her best to take us there,

but our minds could not quite comprehend the beauty she saw...

her face was glowing, the light not her own,

and her strength seemed far greater than anything we had seen before.
her innocence was evident; her soul was pure.

she trusted easily and asked for nothing but love in return..

we begged her to come along with us; she resisted.
she still had fields to run, worlds to see, true love to find and give away.
a few hundred cartwheels and somersaults later,

we wondered if her story would still be the same...

her dreams and plans had not been hindered with loss,

with heartbreak, with unrequited love, with death.. until now.
the colors outside did not appear as lively to her.
the heaviness weighing on her seemed to be pressing her spirit down

and crushing the pieces of her heart that remained..

once so full, now fragile..
the wholeness of her childhood had seemed to vanish

as the wind of change shaped her into someone new.
now uncertain, she longed for her first Love.
she had tasted a sip of earthly love, and it was not nearly as sweet as her First...

He had been the one in her dreams of old,

showing her the beauty within her.
as she ran the fields, she knew His love for her, if described by numbers,

was abundantly more than the blades of grass

that brushed her heels as she skipped on.
His songs to her would be stuck in her head the entire day,

until inevitably, she would sing them back to Him as an offering..

the world stripped her of the only joy she knew,

and she was set on winning Him over.
she did not know that her Love had been there through it all.
better than that, He was chasing her..knowing she would remember...

the sense of freedom..
the satisfaction of knowing Love and Love returning the favor..

and even more.. the feeling of letting her curls down and laughing

as the breeze tickled her face and He refreshed her, more than ever before..

(c) 2008

beauty is created before our eyes.

i went to the beach this past weekend, so here's a few pictures i took with my phone. even though i didn't take my camera, the other four girls came prepared. i actually didn't forget mine, i just knew Whitney was coming along. i love having pictures, and if someone else is willing to take them... even better.

sunset... and paratrooper?

the beach'll getcha..

Whitney and Jenna... sorry, guys..

we love the sunset

oh, aviators.

glory

for i am sick with love

i am yours, beloved, and your desire is for me
i am sick with love

i could begin to imagine the pounding of your
heartbeat as you drew me closer
step by step, walking toward you,
it felt more like home by the second
your eyes followed me the entire way,
just waiting for me to look up
when i did, i caught your glance
and it beckoned me to continue onward

the more space i covered,
the easier it was for me to trust you
though the distance hid the fullness of
your beauty, your shadow was enough
it was not dark as the others but radiating
with the light that hovered around you
colors i had never seen before,
all distinct, unable to be described or understood

i finally got to you, and as i reached out
my hand to touch you, you wept
not from sadness but out of joy,
for i had chosen you for my own
the praise i had offered up on the
journey here had not been in vain
as your glory surrounded and filled me,
i knew why i had come this far

you overwhelmed me, and i knew pure,
selfless love for the first time
i laid under your shadow with delight
as you raised your banner of love over me
although i was dark, you called me lovely
until the idea became truth to me
with your left hand under my head
and your right embracing me, i was secure

i fell asleep under your shade and rested,
peacefully, and upon waking, you had gone
your holiness no longer as real to me
but your presence still about me
i knew that you would be back,
that i would be walking toward you again soon
that on that day, my soul would be alive
again, forever, with you

i am yours, beloved, and you are mine
for i am sick with love
(c) 2008

tenderly, sweetly, freely, completely

my heart and my mind are much too complicated for me. lately i've had trouble telling the difference between the two. i know truth in my mind, but i can't figure out how to get it down in my heart. i know a lot of good, but i can't feel it. i want this goodness deep within me, filling up and spilling over, and yet i'm almost sure it can't make its way there by any efforts of mine. i think He has to make the transfer, and sometimes i think He wants us to really think about our circumstances before He takes over. only when we've felt hopeless can we be driven to Hope. and this Hope can't be contained.

...and His mercy? ...

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus."
Ephesians 2: 1-7 [emphasis added]

oh, how His mercies are new every morning.

i was sitting here at work tonight listening to music, and suddenly, His love for humanity overwhelmed me. i like to think i've always had a heart for people, but most of the time i find myself wanting to love more.. give more... be more. as tears formed in my eyes, He gave me just a taste of Himself. i started praying for salvation for one of my friends. i want him with me in heaven one day. i want him to see the beauty of Jesus. but as much as i love this friend, Jesus loves him even more. for a moment, i felt this love stronger than ever. so Lord, humbly i ask. save him. keep him. show Yourself to him.

as one of my best friends said, the Lord has been gradually tightening my leash. He's been drawing my attention and disciplining me in love. my sin humbles me. and after confession time this weekend, i can say that exposure does lead to healing. keeping each other accountable is necessary for us to walk in obedience. the fact that He's provided someone for me to confide in--who is walking through some of the same struggles i am--has been such a blessing. i didn't even think to ask for it, He just gave it to me. freely.

tenderly, sweetly,

you whisper the truth.

freely, completely,

i wanna love like You.

some advice i received from a spiritual father in an email a couple of weeks ago... "do all that He puts in your heart. when you do, He provides the way and the resources. don't be afraid to do what's in your heart. we do the will of God from the heart. you know your desires. all that is good and according to His Word will be blessed."

...and after all of this pondering, He reminds me.. Goodness is already there. He's in my heart. my flesh just likes to get in the way. so i guess it's not about wondering what's in my heart, it's about letting it come out. love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

"my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
psalm 73:26

speaking of...

this weather is perfect. it's finally cool enough to wear boots. i looove boots. speaking of boots, i bought my first pair of the infamous Ugg's this weekend. ( they were my early birthday present from mom and dad.) i still think they are some of the ugliest shoes i've ever seen, but they are so waaaarm. i think i'll wear them to the Alabama game this weekend.

speaking of Alabama football, i'm having withdrawals. a part of me wish i could watch them play every day, but then again, i'm afraid i'd have a nervous breakdown, especially if all of their games were as ugly as this past one. okay, so the defense wasn't ugly at all. and i wish i could hug Ingram for stepping it up on the offense.

speaking of Ingram, he needs a Heisman. and if they had a trophy for the "most ridiculously giddy Alabama fan during the Walk of Champions," i would nominate my mom. she never fails to jump out in the middle of the team as they're walking and convince them to give her high fives. she says it gives her a rush. all of them look at her like she's a loon, but some of them concede and reluctantly hold their hands out anyway.

this past week, the girl beside me kept laughing at mom and saying, "look at her! Roll Tide! look at her!" i just laughed, nodded, and tried to hide my face with my hands. i would like to think that maybe the fans around me had no idea she was my mom, but considering we look just alike, it's a pretty hopeless situation. and deep down, i think i love how she gets over the Tide.

i can't wait to enjoy another Bryant-Denny stadium dog this weekend, and i really hope Alabama beats the heck out of UT.

but not me, i'm alive

tailgatin'

taking a spin in T-Rav's F250 with Kimberly

sips n strokes: round II

i feel like i need to write. it's already seven days into october and no blog entries. heaven forbid. i've never been one to write just for the sake of writing itself, though, and i don't have any earth-shattering news. i guess that's where pictures can come in and do my life a little justice. [not much... i'd rather experience life than try to capture it all, although some friends of mine would disagree. one in particular calls me the "picture nazi." ohhh, brother.]

i don't know what to do with this jumbled mess that entangles my thoughts and isn't quite willing to free them just yet. i see a glimmer of a thought trying to peek its way through every now and then but not enough to decipher it and put it down in words. most days i have an epiphany and think, "whoa, that was good and deep and maybe even life-altering," and before i know it, it's found its place again in the web i like to call my mind. one of these days i may take the time to pick out the pieces that contain substance, put them all together, and teach myself a thing or two. but for now, these empty words and lifeless pictures will have to do.

because while the pictures themselves contain no life, i'm full of it.

it’d be easy to add up all the pain
and all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
but not me, i’m alive

and today you know that’s good enough for me
breathin' in and out's a blessin' can’t you see
today's the first day of the rest of my life
and i’m alive, and well
i’m alive, and well

-kenny chesney

ralph waldo emerson

*do the thing we fear, and death of fear is certain.

*hitch your wagon to a star.

*always do what you are afraid to do.

*don't waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.

*give all to love; obey thy heart.

*live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.

*our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.

*the only gift is a portion of thyself.

*this time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it.

*what you do speaks so loud that i cannot hear what you say.

*to be great is to be misunderstood.

books, ears, and the beach

can i make my excitement really evident and write in enormous letters and say something that i've been waiting to say for what seems like an eternity now? well, even if you whisper "no" and i still hear it, i'm going to do it anyway, because...

I CAN HEAR!!!!!

(i was really going for something a little more dramatic than that, but whatever works. that's the best me and this here blog can do.)

after the doctor finished rummaging around in my right ear again today, i felt a little bit like an ant would feel if a dinosaur walked up and started talking to it. okay, i'm pretty sure ants don't have ears, and if they did, they would probably be too minute to hear much of anything. maybe you still get my point. the world seemed completely different. the doctor asked me a question, and i jumped a little. he understood. and then i responded and thought, "so THAT'S what i sound like." i had forgotten. i made it a point to turn my radio down as soon as i got in my car to leave. it would have blasted me to the third heaven. (...and that would have been unfortunate why?)

i love our senses. the world is so much more beautiful when they're included.

i bought new books today. in my eyes, a long beach trip is the perfect excuse to invest in some new reading material. i was afraid i'd be in books-a-million for hours trying to reach a decision. while i'm as indecisive as a person can be, i'm not blaming my personality flaw for the countless hours i've spent in bookstores. it's plain and simple. i just love books. and how anyone can walk in, grab a book off the shelf, and walk out is beyond me. i did, however, manage to make it a quick trip... a record time of only 45 minutes!

my choices? when crickets cry by charles martin and the time-traveler's wife by audrey niffenegger. i surprised myself with the latter, but i figure with the movie coming out that i'll probably end up seeing, i'll rest better knowing i read the book first. i'm sure i won't be disappointed.

beach, i can't wait to see you.

i've been looking for you.

maybe you're just jaded
from some nobody's unforgotten words
maybe you're just faded
a little gray from every time that you've been hurt
so you're looking for your skin
that you never did fit in
you can't hide when you're turned inside out
love is looking for you now

maybe you've been burning
but you can't blow out a flame that you can't find
maybe you've been thirsty
but the rain just ain't enough when you're this dry
so you're running from the water
and the fire's getting hotter
i think you better find some level ground
love is looking for you now

maybe you've been wearing
the shoes that someone else is wearing now
maybe you've been swearing forever might have already run out
you can't love yourself at the expense of someone else
you can't hide a liar from the truth
love is looking for you

i've been looking for you

-miranda lambert

just a little further now...

i'm laying on my bed in Gadsden, and there are still several boxes on the floor around me. one of them is filled with stuff i've collected over the years that i'm finally getting rid of, and in the others' are random objects i have to find places for. it's weird being back home.

it's not like i've ever moved too far away, but some of the same feelings i felt when i was about to leave for college make their way up to the surface of me again. i'm unsure of where i'm going and have no idea what the next step for me will be. my mind is consumed with all of the possibilities. all in all, i just want to be passionate about what i do and make a difference. i don't think that's too much to ask.

i just got back from a short trip to Virginia with Kimberly and T-Rav monday night, and i'm already wanting to go back. the mountains were beautiful, the grass looked a little greener (it always seems to on the other side), horses were everywhere, and it wasn't Alabama. is it bad that i'm so anxious to leave when almost everyone who means anything at all to me is here?

mom, she does more for me than any other mom on the planet. i'm sure of that. she has put me before herself every day of her life. she wants me to be happy and successful even more than i want myself to be happy and successful. and my dad, i find myself becoming more thankful for him each day i live. i hear and witness stories of how fathers' are absent, or violent, or both, and i see the effects it has on families for generations. my good friend's husband is having trouble showing love and approval because he was never shown approval himself. a man uses violence as a means of control because, well, that's what his father did. my father... he's always been there, and i love him for that.

i could go on and on about the people here i love: Josh, Heather, Mamaw, Papaw, Nancy, TR, the boys, the Montgomery clan, and my friends that I couldn't survive without talking to or laughing with. for sanity's sake, i'll keep this list to a minimum. (quite frankly, reading shout-outs in the front of books or the back of CD covers has always stressed me out because i just KNOW a special person who has been detrimental in the life of the writer has been left out.) now, back to my point...

Mamaw saw me today and said, "well, it's my wandering granddaughter!" i feel bad for being a "wanderer" most of the time, but i'm learning that it shouldn't be considered a bad thing. i've never been one to stay when i had the chance to leave. i've never been content to stay. i was born curious. i was made for adventure. that's just who i am.

i don't know how long i'll be here or where i'll be going, but when the Lord provides a new path, i'm going to take it. i can only hope and pray that if this path leads me a little further away this time (or a little further north... i definitely wouldn't mind Virginia being added to the mix..), the people in my life will know they mean the world to me.

ruined plans and giggles

so, my plans [as of this morning] were to put in my two weeks notice today, work until the 21st, and move back to Gadsden on the 24th. just when i think the Lord has distanced Himself enough to get my attention, He pops back into the picture and makes me laugh. now my plans are, once again, up in the air.

..but would i really like them any other way?

because the deal is, we can make our own plans, and He'll completely ruin them. in fact, we can plan our lives' away, but they'll never play out the way we imagine. praise God for that. if they did, we might as well hang our hats up now.

don't get me wrong. we can plan. we can prepare ourselves for something bigger. but then, there's this point where we just have to let go and follow the Lord.

and know this: He will provide.

sure, it will look radical. following Jesus is radical. His children weren't made to look like the world. we stand out and look absolutely crazy to most.

...so? He's worth every bit of the so-called advice and questioning looks.

i guess tomorrow i'll know whether i'll be living at home or in a hospital for the next few months. yes, in a hospital.

and no, not as a patient.

oh, He's funny.

and i'm calling on You now.

Take me back to when I was five, the first time I looked into Your eyes. You spoke as I reached for Your hand and said "okay."

We're just down here looking at the dust when all He's wanting is for us to look up.

gee-tar on the river

i spent most of my weekend sitting at the river walk trying to learn a little more on my guitar. i was excited to learn several of the regulars know how to play, and they were more than willing to give me some free lessons. Roosevelt taught me a somewhat jazzy number, and Vern taught me how to pick happy birthday and america the beautiful. hey, it's a start.

He breathes into me, and I live..

The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones. And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. And he said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "O Lord GOD, you know." Then he said to me, "Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD."

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone. And I looked, and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them. But there was no breath in them. Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, Thus says the Lord GOD: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live." So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.

Then he said to me, "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say 'Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.' Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will do it, declaresthe LORD."

Ezekiel 37:1-14

for the first time in days, i'm actually starting to believe He's slowly bringing me out of the darkness and holding me up to the Light of His face. i'm starting to notice the veil being torn from my eyes and seeing my passion for Him come forth... in new ways than before. as i sit here in the midst of the confusion and dry dust that have surrounded me for so long, i see a small speck of hope in the distance. i could hardly remember what He looked and felt like until today, so for now, this speck is good enough for me.

..not that Hope hasn't been there all along, but my vision has been too cloudy to see Him. this earth below me and dust about me have made me into who they wanted me to be instead of who i was created to be... sanctified, holy, righteous, His pure bride.. laying down this life He's given me as a gift at His feet. my dust--the sin i was born into and the filth that i acquire along the way--is now His. He gave His life to breathe life into these dry bones. reminds me of these lyrics to a song by Tim Reimherr...

..my heart is stirred by a noble theme

bringing blessed words unto my king

giving up my love as a sweet offering

oh the beauty of this man

for the sake of love, he left his father's throne

searching for a bride, bone of his bone

such a humble kiss to make my dust his own

oh the beauty of this man

see his hands, his head, his feet, and his side

they bear the marks of wrath, of pure sacrifice

to secure my love by giving up his life

oh the beauty of this man

she now faint with love beckons him to come

establish righteousness as God's risen son

on that glorious day she'll marry her fair one

oh the beauty of this man..

Hope is present, but it still seems as if it's a good ways off. there are still questions to be answered and voids to fill. i don't claim to know much, but there's one thing i do know. He's here waiting for me to respond. He's never stopped drawing me back to Him, and His grace is sufficient for us all.

______________________________

an excerpt from Whitney's blog:

I am tired. I am tired of living this mundane life, not knowing what road to take next. I am tired of my life not MEANING anything to me. I feel pulled to go deeper, do more, dream bigger, but don’t know which direction to follow. I am exhausted and weary from longing for MORE yet not accomplishing anything. I don’t know whether it’s me not opening my eyes and seeing or whether it’s a waiting period that God is asking me to endure. What if He is placing open doors along my path and I’m just turning my face away from them? Is it that? or could it possibly be that I must journey a little further before the doors are open?

There is an ache that seems to grow inside me that is screaming for me to follow a more narrow path. I feel like I am on a road being trampled by the crowds and yet I can’t seem to find the road less traveled. Am I just afraid of failure? Or is God calling me to be still? I know it’s my fault that I am so lost. I know I need to make more of an effort in my marriage to Him but can’t seem to find the energy. This scares me. I cannot allow myself to become who I was. I know that way doesn’t work. Yet, I can’t seem to find the instructions on how to turn around.

Grace. Mercy. Love… I need You.

______________________________

my response:

..how can i begin to answer when i don't know the answers myself? i can speak or type out answers that may sound good, but if my heart doesn't find any truth to them or peace within them, what good are they?

we're in the same boat. the truth is in my heart, but i don't feel it or even believe it half the time. i know all these things i'm supposed to be doing and have the desire to know Him more, but i can't make myself take the first step. if we ask, He'll give us the desire. we can't conjure it up on our own, i know that.

but i'm too tired and frustrated to even ask. that's my excuse, anyway. it's not a good one. they say if we want something bad enough or love something hard enough, we'll do anything. is this true? i love Him, i do, and i owe Him my life. why can't i get past this place i've been for awhile now and move to glory?

"...and it's nobody's fault but mine, and nobody's but my own. all the doubts in my head leave no will to carry on, and they're multiplying..."

the one thing i do know is that His grace is big enough to cover anything... the doubts and the fears and the mistakes we've made and are still making. and while confusion is all about me, i have enough faith to know we're gonna make it out of this place somehow.

He'll give us the grace.