grace is here.

the further i go into this little life of mine, the more i realize this: it's all about grace.

situations are going to disappoint us. people are going to disappoint us. people are going to disappoint us a LOT. we can't put our complete confidence in someone here on earth, because we will always be left feeling empty and unsatisfied. our confidence comes from the One who created us and knows just who we are. we are perfect in His eyes because we are reflections of Him.

or we should be.

we need to give the grace we've been given.

 we need to forgive because we've been forgiven. 

i've been in unhealthy relationships. i've made too many mistakes to count. i've held grudges for way too long. i've spoken when i needed to be silent. i've been silent when i needed to make a stand. i sometimes let my insecurities dictate how i act and react.

....the list goes on.

tonight, i needed to remind myself that it's okay.

it's okay that my past relationship sometimes causes me to react in certain ways in my current one. it's okay that i've made mistakes. it's okay that i'm sometimes insecure. i'm human.

all i can do is strive to be more like Him tomorrow than i am today.

and remember, everyone else has stories too. they have been bruised and beaten and scarred, and they don't act like they do for no reason. there's a reason, and 9 times out of 10, we wouldn't trade our stories with theirs even if we could.

so be gracious... and kind.

He gives grace freely.

Meet Kevin.

Kevin: Handicapped people should NOT drive in the fast lane!

Me: *hysterically laughing* ...Uhh, Kev? I'm handicapped.

And this is why I love him.

And...well... him being an Alabama fan doesn't hurt either. ;)

home.

there are days my past sneaks in and reminds me of

dreams stolen, heart broken

and you're here to show me past is past and this is now

you came to me and i breathed you in suddenly, deeply

dreams survive, heart alive

and every day with you is even better than the first one

...i'm at home when i'm with you.

'cause all i know is we said hello, and your eyes look like coming home.'
taylor swift

you're a peein' vacation.

i went overseas with the Joneses a few weeks ago and did not take one picture with my camera; however, i DID take a few (and by few, I mean 50 or so) with my iPhone... Instagram style. here's a little European prettiness for you.

 Eiffel Tower view

about to partake in the eating of our American burgers in Tour

Tour

 unprepared

 ...and the American burger was delish.

Chateau de Chenonceau

sisters

so, i really loved taking pics of horses and cows while i was there.

market in Beaune

i love train rides!

a couple getting hitched

another one of the sisters :)

can you say fog?

Swiss cows and mountains

let the light in.

“Maybe it's like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen - these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And it's only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.”

John Green

Happy 5th!

I should already be asleep, but for some reason I felt the urge to write a blog instead. I'm so tired I can hardly stand it and I basically can't move without a not-so-pleasant look on my face and lots of grimacing. Either I'm getting too old or I just forgot how sore tubing on the lake (with Bennett driving) makes me.

So I woke up this morning and my bottom lip was swollen. I had fun at the lake yesterday and all, but it wasn't that wild of a time... no fist fighting or anything. But I just figured it out.

Ants. All up in my bed. My mom said I left a wrapper of some sort (cough cough oatmeal creme pie cough cough) and apparently the ants loved what remained. Oopsie. I don't think I'll ever grow up. Crap... and I just saw another one. I had to squish him on my computer. His friends better not be looking for him tonight.

Oh well... the 4th was a good time. I spent the day with my family (Bethany and Kevin included) on Lake Martin. I'm pretty sure I could stay in that little cabin for at least half a year without ever leaving (except to go in the water) and be just fine. And like always, I didn't take any pictures. Don't get me wrong... I love pictures... it's just that half the time I forget to take them and the other half I don't want to. A lot of times we're too caught up in looking like we're having fun that we forget to actually have fun. So lately I've just been enjoying life. No pictures. Just life.

I do wish I had gotten a picture of the fireworks though. They were pretty! Especially my favorites... those white, sparkly ones that shimmer and fall down and look kind of like palm trees. I guess I'll just have to get a few of the ones Kev took on his phone to post. Oh, and Bethany took pictures yesterday too! I'll get her to send me some. See... I'm covered. I love the people in my life. :)

Here IS one picture I took at Mamaw's tonight. This was after I laughed so hard at Mamaw I nearly peed myself. Someone dialed the wrong number and called her cell phone, and at one point, I thought they might talk all night. Then the lady called back. By the time the conversations were over, they knew more about each other than I thought possible from two 3-4 minute conversations.

I can only hope my smile brings as much joy to someone as this one does to me.

no time for pictures

i remember the time
so used to being disappointed
up until now

i pinch myself at times
seeing if it's really this real
it's finally real

i long for this time
fast, slow, and sometimes standing still
catching me by surprise

there's no time
no time for pictures
just time for moments with you

the lowdown

sorry this post will be disappointing to some, but i'm making it a point not to share any work stories this go around. i'm sure i could conjure one up if i thought for a second, but it's 11:38pm, i'm tired, and i don't feel like thinking hard enough to include those real descriptive words that make something funny just a little funnier (not that i ever exaggerate or anything).

i guess i should be studying my newly borrowed GRE book (thanks, Gabrielle!), but i decided to blog instead. so thoughtful of me, right? i know all of you are dying for some more of these words of mine.

actually, tonight i'm feeling all talked out, so here are just a few pics to give you the lowdown.

meet the Boulevard. 

and that back seat is mine.

and my guy who drives this thing is pretty cool too. :)

if you haven't met him, you should.

i also drive around Gadsden on occasion stalking this...

i'm not sure what holiday the owners are celebrating here, but it definitely beat all the eggs dangling from the ceiling this past Easter.

 and, hey, they are Bama fans. they've got my support.

and here's my favorite couple.

there's not much better than hanging out with these folks.

i'm so thankful i still can.

 i think i will tomorrow.

and the rest will just have to wait. my eyes are closing, and i still have one more day of work for the week! yes... one! friday we leave for andalusia for some camping and ATV riding. i'm pretty pumped.

no worries, i'll be sure and take pictures.

night, y'all.

how i went a-wall on my printer.

i lost my patience on my printer today at work. i think i might have said the 's' word under my breath a few times, and my co-worker might have heard me. oopsie. no worries though... she understood. we probably registered a total of ten patients together because our printers kept jamming every 0.2 seconds. the facesheets would print on the labels, the labels would print on the plain letter paper, the consent forms... well, you get the picture.

huge. jumbled. mess.

at least today i didn't completely embarrass myself like i did last week. a lady was sitting directly in front of me at my desk, and as i proceeded with all the typical, personal questions i have to ask to do my job, it happened. my printer jammed.

i was sitting in my chair and bent over to try and rummage around and move papers and trays and slam drawers, and all of a sudden, i fell further forward. i had been leaning on part of the printer that gave way, and i was 99% close to falling face first out of my chair. after the huge banging noise of the printer and my almost fall, both me and my patient  were pretty on edge. then... something even worse happened. i drooled. drool actually came out of my mouth---rolled down off my lips and onto the floor.

i guess i had been leaning down with my mouth open for so long that i just couldn't help myself?

i just couldn't recover after that. i didn't even laugh. i just hurriedly finished her paperwork and got her out the door.

my printer may be the death of me.

1-800-BADMEDICINE

i haven't written much lately... except little tidbits every now and then in the journal that resides on my bedside table, and it's usually understood to be reserved for significant things (although the older i get i'm learning the little things are, in fact, the big things). so here's one big thing to me: i am officially going to be a student again as of may 30th!

so as i type (and answer phone calls, of course), i'm sitting in PBX at the hospital (also known as the 'operator' room) working some OT. i guess a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. other than hanging up on the occasional caller, sometimes on accident and sometimes on purpose, it's not too dreadful.

example:

me: operator.
psych patient: 1-800-badmedicine.
me: excuse me?
psych patient: 1-800-badMEDICINE.
me: do what?
psych patient: I SAID 1-800-BADMEDICINE!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: *CLICK*

i have a considerable amount of patience, but i don't deal very well with people screaming in my ear.

with that being said, i have more motivation than i've had in a long time. for the first time in quite awhile, i feel like i'm on to something.

it's about durn time.

find me where He is.

he reminded me of a remote island you see in the distance

the sky or ocean separating you from that heart-shaped place
something fruitful must reside there but it appears so desolate
side by side, but a thousand miles between


he spoke with words and a voice everyone wanted to hear
and not just hear but listen to, ingest, and remember
he must have been speaking from his head back to his heart
or maybe his declarations were just sounds to him with no meaning
high frequency waves so believable that he fooled himself

and then there's you, polar opposite

emotionally available and unafraid, non-resistant and aware

occupying the tender places with the perfect balance of silence and meaning

___________________________________________

but where is He in all of this?

without Him here with us, the good isn't even that good.

and it's certainly not worth anything.

and i'm worth something, and so are you.

i'm praying you search for Him and let Him find you.

then you can find me and the person you were always meant to be.

Jesus went to church on Sunday

sat in the back and sang the hymns

Jesus went to church on Sunday

but they didn't recognize him, and He said...

you can lay your burden down

you can lay your burden down

oh, maybe you've been kicked around

but you can lay your burden down

-trevor morgan

lost but Found

i share at least two qualities with taylor swift: i have her curly hair and i write honestly (minus the names). if you know me even just a little bit, you don't have to wonder long what's going on in my life if you read what i have to say. when speaking aloud my words get jumbled together, for sure, but on paper the truth comes out. and usually without the whole going around in circles thing.

from a few months ago...

well, this time i done some thinking

and i think i'm done with you

'cause until i get to leaving

it's just the same old me too

well, your mama's gonna cry her eyes

there ain't gonna be no wedding day

what's she gonna say?

when i tell her how i had no choice

the same old you couldn't even raise your voice

and ask me to stay

i wouldn't anyway

...to now

just like the fringe on my boots

you move with every step i take

you walk in front of me to make sure

that i don't fall and break my own heart

'cause with you i could never

just like the leather on my saddle

we get prettier with time

together in the weather

shiny on the other side

polished and changed for the better

with you i'm safe

i follow you just like a shadow

only closer

and if you get tied and bound

i'll find a way to free your hands

i'll wash them clean

of everything but me

sometimes you might get thirsty

so i'll catch the rain

just like the ice in your glass

i'll rattle when you need a drink

you'll never run dry of love or anything

you make me feel like i'm the only girl in the whole wide world

i wanna hold you like a handful of diamonds and pearls

that i guard with my life or die trying

i'll keep you safe

so there's my story in the words of miranda lambert. this time, i think her words do my story much more justice than mine could. i've lost but also found. and those lies, they continued to push and push and push me until i had nowhere else to go but away. sometimes it takes the bad to realize you've got something better. and the better makes you better too... feeling more special, more taken care of, more yourself, and more at home.

...everything is better with you.

this is perfection.

i've got to have this horse painting, somehow.

You make me happy when skies are gray.

One had Something and lacked everything else. Another has everything else but lacks this one thing--and this One thing is Everything.

it's sometimes hard to stay faithful to my first Love, but it's impossible to turn my back on Him. i will never know a love like Him.

You're in front of me here.

i think i've had writers block for a couple years now. i used to write pretty frequently and even felt myself leaning toward the creative/intuitive/insightful side (the idea of being totally right-brained brings with it a little spark somewhere inside me, but i analyze a person's words and search for logical explanations of things that can never make sense on this side of heaven too much for that).

but now it's like...

nothing.

well, let me back up. there's an array of feelings but no words to express them. and the worst part is feeling like i have so much to say...

...lessons learned, hurts being dealt with and my heart mended, trusting again.

we hear stories of life and people it's happened to and as much as we want to empathize, we never really can until it happens to us... until the hurt cuts us in a tender place and we experience it for ourselves. and we have all hurt at some point... and no experience can be measured by another because not one of them are the same.

my friend and i were talking last week at work, and she said she's loved writing most of her life. it's always been an outlet she's used to express herself. she also mentioned that during her last couple years of marriage, she rarely ever picked up a pen. she was hurt so much that she eventually forgot how to express her emotions and feel at all. months after her divorce and several counseling sessions later, the emotions started to return and fill her, and she was able to pick up her journal and write again.

life happens. the important thing is that we move on.

we have to move on.

i never want to speak of ideas that i've heard others speak on before just to sound good... i want to speak truth. i want my words to come from a real place i've been before. whether this place is Loneliness, Abandonment, or Dishonored, i want others to not feel so alone.

and even if i haven't been where they are, i want to tell them they're still not alone. we are never alone. the One who created us has walked where we've walked and is walking with us even now. He's cried, and He sees our tears.

we are never alone.

__________________________________________

ever had a 'yes' moment? an opportunity comes or a question is asked, and yes is muttered, or screamed out, before you've even had time to think twice and process what this 'yes' means?

Sunday i just couldn't help myself. i don't think i could have said no even with a good amount of effort involved. i said yes to trusting again and possibilities and something significantly out of the blue. i had my mind set, and my plans were shredded to pieces. i may be wrong this time like i have been before, but i refuse to wonder what would have happened if i had not taken a chance. that's the story of my life.

__________________________________________

99% of the time, i see the good in people. i see what they can become. i see that even though they have bad habits, they can have good intentions. i see their hearts and what's caused them to choose destruction over life. it's just me. it's so easy for me to love and be an open book to those who are broken. i understand broken people because i'm breakable too.

i just know Someone who can make it all better and put it all back together again.

__________________________________________

i really hope the words come back to me--not my own words but ones inspired by Him who breathed life into my being.

and i hope these words bring life to you.

i've got a tight grip on reality

but i can't let go of what's in front of me here

-paramore

life of an admitting clerk.

me: single, married, divorced, or widowed?
patient: single, never been married, good dog... looking for a woman with a boat.

...approximately two minutes later proceeding the awkward silence/light, pretend laughter...

patient: so do you have a boat... or a canoe for that matter?

the heart of the matter

sacrifice is always going to seem hard. of course it is. if it wasn't, it wouldn't be sacrifice. but the One we claim to love deserves it.

i just have to keep reminding myself that this world is not my home.

sometimes it feels like i'm watching from the outside

sometimes it feels like i'm breathing but am i alive

i won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

all i know is i'm not home yet

this is not where i belong

take this world and give me Jesus

this is not where i belong

so when the walls come falling down on me

and when i'm lost in the current of a raging sea

i have this blessed assurance holding me

-building 429

'take this world and give me Jesus'... it's so easy to say...or sing... or write. but being faced with making the choice between wrong and right is not always so easy. doing the right thing is hard and will cost us. we don't always know how making a true sacrifice feels until we have to give up something... or someone... or some place that means a lot to us.

the Lord has allowed me to go through struggles so my faith can be made stronger and i can become more aware of His love for me. my struggles, either there by my own will or His, have been turned around for my good. that's how He works. that's just His nature. He is so good to me.

i've told Him that i want to learn from my past mistakes---to take all He's taught me in the midst of my pain to heart. i don't want to keep compromising what i believe to please others or myself but live a life that brings Him glory.

i think these last few weeks He's been testing me. i could be wrong (it wouldn't be the first time), but i think He does that... tests us to see how faithful we're going to be to Him. i want him to know He can trust me. i've failed some lately, but He's also given me the grace and courage and boldness to stand up for what i believe some too. i can honestly say i've taken what i've been through and learned something from it. i have a long way to go on this journey, but i pray that i'll continue to learn and grow.

progression.

Kimberly has been kidding me about my backbone getting stronger and gettin' a little 'rough around the edges.' My nature has always been to avoid conflict, but because i never want to offend anyone or hurt feelings, i've also avoided speaking truth. this has not only been unfair to others but to me.

the last thing God wants for His children is to be taken advantage of. i believe we should always speak the truth... ALWAYS in love.

i just want to be a living sacrifice. i say it and mean it now, even though i know i won't always feel like it later. God sent the ultimate sacrifice for us--His son. Sacrificing can only make us more like Him.

give me Jesus.

whatever You have to do Lord to make me see, do it in me.

sweet dreams

i had a dream tuesday night, and it ended up happening on wednesday. you can call it whatever you'd like, but i think God likes giving us dreams sometimes for different reasons. i believe this one was meant to prepare me.

what would have normally been hard for me was a lot easier because He had already prepared my heart. i can't even begin to explain how He works or even how the dream prepared me, but i don't have to understand. i just know He flooded me with the peace and love and forgiveness that can only come from Him.

i can do all things with Him on my side. :)