2011

so... seeing as to how New Year's resolutions just never seem to stick with me... i only came up with one resolution for this next year.

i just want to know God better.

i don't want to just know about Him, but i want to know Him. i want to hear His voice more clearly than i do now. i want to know what He's telling me to do and do it. i want to be so close to Him that even in my day-to-day routine, i'm content. i want knowing that He's with me to be enough for me.

i woke up on Christmas morning, and i felt like the Lord was speaking to me. i looked out my blinds at the snow--the first snow in Alabama on Christmas since i've been alive--and i knew this day was significant. it's like He was saying to me... "here's your turning point. change is coming." 2010 has been full of me letting things go and slowly letting others in. it hasn't been easy, and maybe 2011 won't be easy either, but it's going to be good.

the work He starts in us He is faithful to complete.

i feel a breakthrough coming.

so are You to me...

like the stars that fill the night sky,

so do You light up my eyes

as the water gives peace of mind,

so are You flooding through me in time

as i sit in anticipation before the last song is played,

so does my heart beat and soul await

like the sun that glistens through the trees,

so do You shine on me

then as it gives way to the night,

so does my will when Your presence arrives

like the flame burning between the bride and her groom,

so do i long to burn for You

(c) 2008

the older i get, the less i know.

i'm going to be completely honest here. why even write for others to read if the words aren't authentic? i've wasted a lot of energy in the past speaking and writing words that i thought others wanted to hear instead of the ones really on my mind. that's the problem with most of us. we're all so concerned with others expectations of us that none of us get to the heart of any of our issues for fear of rejection.

okay... maybe not all of us... but a lot of us. and i've been the ring leader.

i feel like i'm alone in this... like i'm the only human being who's felt these emotions before. i feel sad because i have high expectations of people and they let me down. but instead of confronting them and laying my feelings out on the table, i bury them inside and pray it gets better. or i pray they learn to read my mind. i feel too needy when i want to be independent and too independent when i need to lean on someone a little more. i feel just a tad bit psychotic when i realize i'm actually acting and reacting like the woman in the relationship... wondering why he hasn't called or if he's even thinking of me.

admitting emotions like these makes me feel weak, when in reality, it's the healthy thing to do.

a few years ago my idealistic self would have told you that when i reached the ripe age of 26 and was in a relationship... or starting my career... or [enter any other significant event that might define my life]... i'd be the best version of myself. and boy, i would have been wrong. you see, we're always looking for more out of ourselves. we think if we could just fix this one thing that's wrong with us, we'd have everything figured out. but if we woke up tomorrow, and that one thing was no longer, we'd just find another flaw. i'm slowly learning that the flaws in us---in relationships---is what makes them worthwhile. this even sounds good to me now, but it still doesn't make it easier to live out. i guess it's the perfectionist in me.

Gabrielle and I were having a conversation tonight about the expectations we put on ourselves and how we just don't want to mess it up. we just don't want to make any huge mistakes... or any size mistake for that matter. but those mistakes... or those things in us that cause us to be insecure and feel like we don't measure up... make room for grace. how could we ever experience the love of God without His grace? that's the point of it all. we don't measure up... we're fallen... and He loves us anyway.

our relationships on earth should reflect that truth. we don't have to have it all together to enter in. if we did, it'd never be the right time, because we're never going to feel ready. that's where the trusting God part comes in. as a lady once told Gabrielle, the greatest part of a relationship is watching each other change and grow. he was once weak here, and now he's strong. she was once consumed there, and now she's free.

God, teach me how to love.

His words are always true.

it's hard to decipher sometimes if you're going down this road because it's what you want or because you think it's what He wants. some days you see the path so clearly, and others you can barely see to muster up the courage to take even a step. you're thrown into this mix of emotions you've never felt before and wonder if you're crazy or just like everyone else. 'crazy' or 'like everyone else' --- neither one sounds the slightest bit noteworthy. you gradually put a little more trust in your earthly gifts instead of the One who is able to love you better. and then... you're disappointed, with good reason, because you've been let down. at some time or another, they'll always let you down. He whispers to you, peaceful words of affirmation, telling you of your worth to Him. and the beautiful thing about it --- His words are always true.

you are fearfully and wonderfully made. fear not, for i have redeemed you; i have summoned you by name; you are mine. i have loved you with an everlasting love. i will never leave you or forsake you. i will hold your right hand, saying to you, fear not; i will help you. i will be faithful to complete the work i have started in you. i have plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. come to me, and i will give you rest. no one can snatch you out of my hand. come near to me, and i will come near to you. no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. i am faithful! i will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. my mercy is from everlasting to everlasting.

love is more than words.

i'm at work early today... early as in... it's still dark outside. it's easy for me to develop a bad attitude as the day goes on and i encounter people who just need Jesus. so today, i'm making a conscious decision to make a difference... to shed a little light in the darkness. you know, you can say the right things all day long, but if your actions don't show you care, the words are all in vain.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou

make someone feel special today... because they are.

He changed my name to Victory.

when i look around me and try to see and understand how He's working everything out for my good, i'm only able to see glimpses.

but these glimpses are so good.

and i love the times, like tonight, when He allows me to become aware of a little more truth.

He's blessed me in more ways than i can count in the last few months, but they've been hard... and heavy... and, at times, painful.

when we begin to look back and take notice of the experiences that have shaped us into who we are today---the good and the bad---it can be pretty overwhelming. we may not even realize how past sins and hurts have transformed our ways of thinking until we begin dealing with them, and then we realize how messed up our thinking and views of ourselves really are.

but in the end, all of the remembering is going to be worth it. after we've searched our guarded places and found all sorts of memories, some of which we've tried so hard to forget, healing can come. sure, the healing process is painful for a little while (or even for a long while), but the outcome is always good.

i just want to be changed... to become more like Him.

“The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.”

Ezra Taft Benson

so, through this process, He's been showing me what it feels like to be 100% dependent on the Word of God. i've felt like i've been on an emotional roller coaster, so i've needed some stability. His words to me and about me have never disappointed me, and the more i rely on the Truth, the clearer it becomes.

why do i ever wonder why my life can't be easy? it never has been, but more often than not, i get mad at God about it.

but tonight i'm so glad it's not been easy. it forces me to look for Him.

and i always find Him.

well, He finds me.