the older i get, the less i know.

i'm going to be completely honest here. why even write for others to read if the words aren't authentic? i've wasted a lot of energy in the past speaking and writing words that i thought others wanted to hear instead of the ones really on my mind. that's the problem with most of us. we're all so concerned with others expectations of us that none of us get to the heart of any of our issues for fear of rejection.

okay... maybe not all of us... but a lot of us. and i've been the ring leader.

i feel like i'm alone in this... like i'm the only human being who's felt these emotions before. i feel sad because i have high expectations of people and they let me down. but instead of confronting them and laying my feelings out on the table, i bury them inside and pray it gets better. or i pray they learn to read my mind. i feel too needy when i want to be independent and too independent when i need to lean on someone a little more. i feel just a tad bit psychotic when i realize i'm actually acting and reacting like the woman in the relationship... wondering why he hasn't called or if he's even thinking of me.

admitting emotions like these makes me feel weak, when in reality, it's the healthy thing to do.

a few years ago my idealistic self would have told you that when i reached the ripe age of 26 and was in a relationship... or starting my career... or [enter any other significant event that might define my life]... i'd be the best version of myself. and boy, i would have been wrong. you see, we're always looking for more out of ourselves. we think if we could just fix this one thing that's wrong with us, we'd have everything figured out. but if we woke up tomorrow, and that one thing was no longer, we'd just find another flaw. i'm slowly learning that the flaws in us---in relationships---is what makes them worthwhile. this even sounds good to me now, but it still doesn't make it easier to live out. i guess it's the perfectionist in me.

Gabrielle and I were having a conversation tonight about the expectations we put on ourselves and how we just don't want to mess it up. we just don't want to make any huge mistakes... or any size mistake for that matter. but those mistakes... or those things in us that cause us to be insecure and feel like we don't measure up... make room for grace. how could we ever experience the love of God without His grace? that's the point of it all. we don't measure up... we're fallen... and He loves us anyway.

our relationships on earth should reflect that truth. we don't have to have it all together to enter in. if we did, it'd never be the right time, because we're never going to feel ready. that's where the trusting God part comes in. as a lady once told Gabrielle, the greatest part of a relationship is watching each other change and grow. he was once weak here, and now he's strong. she was once consumed there, and now she's free.

God, teach me how to love.