Step 4

this is horrible.

i haven't even gotten down to the meat of my inventory (i hate that phrase by the way... down to the meat of it? it grosses me out.) and all of these feelings of resentment and bitterness and anger are already rising up in me. i was thinking i must be a terrible person for feeling this way until Seth told me it's normal. all of these feelings have been in me all along... now they're just coming out.

i was also thinking how nice it'd be if i was off somewhere in the woods in a log cabin by myself for a few days/weeks (however long this process takes). i could have a 'Shack' type experience with the Trinity and all. but knowing me, i wouldn't take full advantage of it, and i'd eventually end up going off by myself somewhere and be found, months later, in a ditch on the side of a worn down trail.

hahaha... i'm really not a pessimist, i just like acting like i am. it adds a little humor to my day. and i'm not near as dramatic as i sound.

but really, isn't that how we usually work? we come to the Father through Jesus and His spirit comes and lives inside of us, and if we only surrender, He'll make the best decisions for us and lead us to just the right place. but 9 times out of 10 we make our own way instead.

the log cabin idea probably isn't a good one even if i did stay inside. i need people. we always need people (the ones that are going the same way we're going). i remember that one time i thought it could just be me and Jesus and i'd be fine. wrong again. human contact is good.

p.s. please pray with me that it doesn't snow tonight. it's pretty and all, but i think i'd sleep in the back of my car in the hospital parking lot before i sleep inside this place.