Perfection

i was looking back at some of the things i've written in the past several years, and this one stood out to me tonight. in just a few minutes, i'll continue answering questions about my past, and all the while, the Lord will be changing me. He's more than able to take the bad and replace it with more of Himself... we just have to let Him.

"Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth."

Psalm 50:2

growing up, i wanted to be strong.

i thought i was... for a while.

we all like to pretend that we are okay with ourselves.

we are the exceptions.

the one in a million who doesn't experience pain and has it all together.

in the last few years, i have realized just how weak i really am.

sometimes i like to think i'm okay with it.

but the fact is... i'm not okay with it yet. i am learning to be...

it's been a process... an extremely slow and painful one.

when one mountain seems to pass... another one is in the distance.

it has given me perspective though.. on a lot of things...

and i know this process has significance.

the circumstances haven't been in vain.

they have all shown me the roots of the problem.

they run so deep that it's taking a while for me to even understand them all.

sometimes our imperfections can lead to issues that sink so far down in

our hearts it takes time for them to resurface.

for a time, we can cover them up and forget they are alive.

sooner or later, they have to come forth and break free.

deliverance is desired, of course.

it would be far less complicated.

but growth is necessary and unfortunately not instantaneous.

so... in the meantime... i'm learning more about myself.

i'm realizing how messed up i am... how messed up i've always been.

it's not a good thing, but it's inevitable.

i'm human... and perfection has come only once to this earth...

as a man named Jesus.

while i strive for perfection... i will never reach it on this earth.

oddly enough, that comforts me.

my iniquities were known by Him before my existence,

and yet He created me and loves me.

He's always loved me... and His love will never fail me.

most of the time, this fact is too much for me to grasp.

occasionally, the realization overwhelms me and all i can do is worship.

"..but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away."

1 Corinthians 13:10