tenderly, sweetly, freely, completely

my heart and my mind are much too complicated for me. lately i've had trouble telling the difference between the two. i know truth in my mind, but i can't figure out how to get it down in my heart. i know a lot of good, but i can't feel it. i want this goodness deep within me, filling up and spilling over, and yet i'm almost sure it can't make its way there by any efforts of mine. i think He has to make the transfer, and sometimes i think He wants us to really think about our circumstances before He takes over. only when we've felt hopeless can we be driven to Hope. and this Hope can't be contained.

...and His mercy? ...

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus."
Ephesians 2: 1-7 [emphasis added]

oh, how His mercies are new every morning.

i was sitting here at work tonight listening to music, and suddenly, His love for humanity overwhelmed me. i like to think i've always had a heart for people, but most of the time i find myself wanting to love more.. give more... be more. as tears formed in my eyes, He gave me just a taste of Himself. i started praying for salvation for one of my friends. i want him with me in heaven one day. i want him to see the beauty of Jesus. but as much as i love this friend, Jesus loves him even more. for a moment, i felt this love stronger than ever. so Lord, humbly i ask. save him. keep him. show Yourself to him.

as one of my best friends said, the Lord has been gradually tightening my leash. He's been drawing my attention and disciplining me in love. my sin humbles me. and after confession time this weekend, i can say that exposure does lead to healing. keeping each other accountable is necessary for us to walk in obedience. the fact that He's provided someone for me to confide in--who is walking through some of the same struggles i am--has been such a blessing. i didn't even think to ask for it, He just gave it to me. freely.

tenderly, sweetly,

you whisper the truth.

freely, completely,

i wanna love like You.

some advice i received from a spiritual father in an email a couple of weeks ago... "do all that He puts in your heart. when you do, He provides the way and the resources. don't be afraid to do what's in your heart. we do the will of God from the heart. you know your desires. all that is good and according to His Word will be blessed."

...and after all of this pondering, He reminds me.. Goodness is already there. He's in my heart. my flesh just likes to get in the way. so i guess it's not about wondering what's in my heart, it's about letting it come out. love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

"my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
psalm 73:26