born to run

a few weeks ago i was sitting at my desk at the hospital when Matt, a guy i graduated with, came up to me. i was a little surprised because in high school he didn't talk much. if i'm remembering correctly, all he said was, "i had a dream about you last night. you didn't have your crutches anymore." i'm sure i responded with an "ohh... cool!" or something like that and didn't think much more about it.

i didn't think about it until two weeks ago when Kimberly told me about a tag she saw on a parked car right before we headed to Florida. it said... "Emily H: born to run." as usual, we laughed hysterically.

i'd say at least 7 times out of 10 having a disability can be quite comical. there are always stories to tell... whether it's falling face first in the sand or having an old man say to me, "well hello there, four legs!" in an elevator full of people. my first response has always been to laugh, and i wouldn't even say that the laughter has been to cover something deeper up. i really do have a good time with my disability... most of the time...

...but, at times, it's hard. sometimes i feel unlovable because my body isn't whole. i really hate admitting that too. i'm transparent when it comes to most things, but not this one. i've never wanted sympathy, and i despise when people feel sorry for me. it's humiliating.

who would have ever thought that my disability could stir up so much pride in me? pride that used to almost always refuse a favor and pride that never allowed me to be honest with myself until now.

i couldn't even begin to count the times i've been told about visions and dreams of me completely healed.

unbroken. new. whole.

so many times that, now, i just push them to the back of mind or forget the words were spoken at all.

perhaps the Lord is trying to get my attention again. maybe He's telling me that even though my eyes can't see the promises being fulfilled, He hasn't forgotten.

Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

1 Peter 4:19

i'd like to say i've used all of my suffering for good, but at times, i've tried restoring what i've felt was lost with everything else but Him.

for me, it's usually in my weakness that i learn the most about myself.

i learn that i, in fact, do have insecurities and just attempt to cover them up with the world. i learn that i'm not quite as strong as i'd like to be. i learn that the sins of other people i've looked down upon can soon become my own chains if i let them. and i learn over and over again that without Him, i am absolutely nothing.

so, Lord, let me suffer well. let them look at me and see You.

and whether i run down here or with You, remind me that i will run.

my pain and all
the trouble caused
no matter how long
i believe that there’s Hope
buried beneath it all
and hiding beneath it all
and growing beneath it all

-Paramore