Christmas and Jaynie B

my first experience at the Talley household during Christmas was a success. i even got a present (only because i put reindeer ears on)... a dirty Santa gift (aka an alabama/LSU national championship shirt) that we ended up giving to Josh. he loved it.

ohhh, Say. she was so proud of her onesie.

i miss the days when Cam called me his girlfriend. :)

A, B, and C! looove them!

i'm sure Mommio had just finished saying 'RTR' or something along those lines. she always feels the need to say it before a picture... or before anything really.

Kimberly and her little angel... JAYNIE B!

she's stolen my heart... and she loves me back... she just doesn't know it yet. :)

i'm going back in two weeks for her to lay on me just like this again.

follow peace.

on christmas morning of last year, i woke up, looked at the snow falling outside, and knew this year would be significant somehow.

and i was right.

every day is significant, i know. but i think i've learned more this year than in the 26 others put together.

....and if i was asked to sum up all i've learned, my bit of advice would be two words: follow peace....

when we choose our own way, times will be hard, but we'll sure learn a lot. we'll learn the hard way and we'll never, ever forget it.

more than anything, i've learned more of what love looks like. it's sacrifice. it's truth. it's putting your needs above his own.

Love is a man named Jesus.

if anyone speaks in the name of love but doesn't display any characteristics of Love Himself, don't buy it 'cause it won't last. this world's version of love is cheap and temporary, and true love is unconditional and eternal.

so tonight, i'm thankful for all the ones in my life who are real... and who have shown me so much love i can hardly stand it.

and i'm thankful for the One who gives Christmas its name and who has made me as pure as snow over and over... again and again.

Truth stands.

i love my job.

if i was committed enough to write a book about the adventures of an admitting clerk at GRMC, i would in a second.

there's that story of the man who loves me almost as much as he loves his miniature horses and gave me his picture in a frame to put in my cubicle. i actually put it up for awhile until patients starting looking at me a little strange. their faces said it all. they were contemplating it in their heads... hoping he was my grandfather but secretly wondering if he was something a little less cute.

then there's a regular of ours who's brought me a box of chocolates (RUSSELL STOVER, too) both times February 14th has rolled around and on my birthday. the very last time he came in, he was accompanied by his wife, and he didn't talk quite so much. my smile towards her was a little brighter than my norm.

and then there's 'ole ____ _________. i wish i could type his name because it's oddly hilarious to me. if i wouldn't get fired for violating HIPAA or possibly ruin his shining star name in the community, i might just do it. i had just been working at GRMC a few weeks when he made his first appearance. being the overly-friendly front desk clerk that i was, i immediately started laughing and joking around with him as if he was my grandpa (he was early 70's). by the time it was all over, he had given me his life story (including his three previous marriages), the run-down on his family, and asked me for my number. this is the most embarrassing part of it all...

confession: i GAVE it to him.

i've known i should really get better at lying for times like this one, but i just couldn't come up with another number fast enough. and i was so stunned that the thought of saying, "no... i'd rather not give you my number..." did not even cross my mind. so... ____ _________ called my cell phone a good four times, leaving a message for me to call him back every time.

i think i'll take a bow, and i hope whoever is reading this is applauding me for my honesty/transparency right now. props to me. my co-workers told me the whole 'friendliness' thing would wear off in a few months, and i have to commend them for being right. while i try to be cordial and God-like, i'm more realistic than i used to be and my skin is just a wee bit tougher.

today's patient was the kicker. in my near two years of being an admitting clerk at GRMC, i have never been at a loss of words when describing my experiences, so i'm not even going to attempt it. just know that Monday when he's scheduled to come back in, there's a high possibility i might just call in sick.

:)

above all else

this week's been full of ups and downs, and if i'm honest, more downs than ups. but today... it's been good.

and even though i'm sure i'll go back and forth in my mind a thousand times after i type this, i've decided something while staring at this computer of mine tonight. i don't ever want to take the easy way out.

i mean... obviously, my flesh will 'want' to... our pride always tells us we should.

go with the flow.

break some hearts but never get yours broke.

cut and run.

no strings attached.

anger is better than tears.

but why can't we just be real with ourselves and with the people around us? whatever happened to honesty... putting everything on the line no matter what the cost? i'm aware the truth can hurt, but it sure as heck beats a lie. we can talk about honesty and how great it is till Jesus comes, but if we don't actually live it, the talk is worth nothing.

i've done enough pretending in my lifetime.. even in the name of good intention. i'm not settling anymore.

you know the great thing about my relationship with God? when i'm with Him, i become more of who i was created to be. more myself.

His secret purpose framed from the very beginning [is] to bring us to our full glory.

I Corinthians 2:7 NEB

in her book, one thousand gifts, Ann Voskamp phrases it like this: 'He means to rename us---to return us to our true names, our truest selves. He means to heal our soul holes. from the very beginning, that Eden beginning, that has always been and always is, to this day, His secret purpose---our return to our full glory. Appalling---that He would! us, unworthy. and yet since we took a bite out of the fruit and tore into our own souls, that drain hole where joy seeps away, God's had this wild secretive plan. He means to fill us with glory again. with glory and grace.'

His pursuit of me has never been more real to me than now. He's given me dreams and words from others and thoughts and peace. what the enemy means for evil, He turns around for good. the enemy has this way of twisting the truth just enough to use it to his advantage. but God is fighting for us---for me. and He wins every single time.

obedience is hard... especially when we leave behind places and people we've loved for so long. but He gives us the grace to obey. we could never do it on our own. me, especially.

it's all about Jesus.

above all else... Jesus.

the best is yet to come.

tonight, i'm thankful for...

family. old friends and new ones. the grace to forgive. second, third, and ninety-fifth chances. the love of God driving us to repentance. feeling like myself again. dreams. laughter through the tears. encouraging words. the body of Christ. my guardian angels. honesty. His never-ending pursuit of me. music. yoohoo's. hard times and all i've learned from them. my mentors. understanding. opportunities to see and tell what the Lord has done. country roads. acceptance. hearing and knowing His voice...

i could go on and on.

Jesus loves me. He sought me out and shed His blood for me. I am forever His!

this life is good, but the best is yet to come.

thank You, Jesus.

27

welp, i'm one year older, and what a year it's been!

the flowers above are from my best friend, Kimberly. she sent them to me at work, and along with the the confetti and balloons, my desk was so colorful and fun!

one of my co-workers asked me if i turned 15 today. i don't know if she was just trying to be funny or give me a compliment, but either way, i'll take it.

this year i've met some of the greatest people in the world. i've become more grateful for the ones who have loved me from the beginning and who love me the most. i've fallen in love. i've had my heart broken. i've learned more about what real love is and what it's not. i've felt the joy... and the pain... of sacrifice... even though very few of us can even wrap our minds around true sacrifice. Lord, help us understand the concept of giving of ourselves to others and not expecting anything in return. i've seen darkness, but i've also experienced the Light. i've tasted the goodness of God. i've come to hate even more the wickedness of man. i've come to value the Truth more than i did before. i've become more aware of my sin nature and how it can affect others. i've laughed and cried a lot. i've heard His still, small voice more times than i can count... even when i chose to ignore Him for a little while. thank you, Jesus, for making Yourself known to me and for being so faithful even when i'm not. i've come to grips with the complexity of God and how He works in ways we'll only understand in heaven. i've also come to appreciate the simple things. most importantly, i've come to know Jesus a little more... in ways i never imagined.

Hope in the lonely nights

i’m after Your heart
i’m having a new day start
turning the page and running after You
i’m out of my head
living a life among the dead
risking it all and running after You

it’s all to know You more

it’s all to know You more

Beautiful

Wonderful

hope in the lonely nights
Beautiful

Wonderful
You have turned on the lights
i’m taking my sword, taking my shield

i’m coming out to fight
Beautiful

Wonderful
Love never felt so right

i’m ready to kneel
Your love is chasing down my will
laying it down and running after You
i'm walking in faith
living it out each day
taking a chance and running after You

-josh baldwin

i want a love that only you can give

filling me with peace and fire in my soul

pursuing me and never letting me go

i want stories that only you can write

pages of purity and vulnerability and sacrifice

no standing in the shadows but in the light

i want to know and be fully known

comfortable but not complacent and at rest

experiencing the fullness of His life with you

in the pain there is healing.

i recently came to realize something about someone, and it made me sick. it literally made me sick. the details--who, or what, or why--don't even matter anymore. it's just the point that counts. when someone we think we know and have high expectations of disappoints us, it's devastating. in some cases trust can be built again (which is my preferred choice), but there are other times we just have to forgive and let go. the hard part is deciding if we're going to keep holding on and doing what we feel like doing or follow hard after God... even if He is telling us something we may not like hearing.

He may tell us to do something that scares us to death, and He may tell us to do something that hurts way more than we think it should.

...but in the pain there is healing.

while i was talking to God about it all, He turned it back to me. i think He likes doing that most of the time. i was focusing on what this person did, and the Holy Spirit gently reminded me of this flesh i still wear around too. we're all the same... we're sinners... and we're going to get it wrong some days. my job here is to love and seek God so I can hear Him and do what He says... and love people.

love people when they do right. and love people when they do wrong. God knows i need to be loved when i get it wrong. but it's so hard to love no matter what sometimes.

you know, we may give everything we have to give to someone, and it still may not be enough. that's the hard part. we can't fix anyone, only God can. and I pray i allow Him to change me from who i am now to who He wants me to be. i need to be fixed more than anyone.

if we pray, He'll guide us. He has to come through for us... He promised He would and He always does.

...but God looks at the heart.

grace is something you can never get but can only be given. there's no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about anymore than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks... a good night's sleep is grace and so are good dreams. most tears are grace. the smell of rain is grace. somebody loving you is grace.
frederick buechner

i've been focusing too much on the bad lately and not enough on the good. i think this rings true for most of us. we get caught up in the confusion of everyday life and lose sight of the One who holds the world in His palm. i've discovered when i make Jesus the center of my day, it all turns out better. i have a better attitude and can actually minister to someone else. when i learn to be grateful for the gifts God has given me, the greatest being Jesus Himself, my perspective on everything changes for the good. and we all need a little perspective.

i haven't always made the best decisions. i've held hurt and bitterness in my heart for some time before letting it go, and i've been known to isolate myself. we all have our own ways of dealing with hurt and none of them are good. the only right way is God's way, and He's slowly but surely teaching me. it's not the teaching that's slow... it's the learning. but maybe that's how He intended it to be all along. the longer the process is for me, the harder it will be for me to forget.

the deeper the cut, the sweeter the healing.

i got a text a little over a month ago from Peggy Joy. i knew her in auburn and she was always so faithful to pray for me. it said... "Hey Emily, remembering you and the word of promise from the LORD to heal you...don't lose hope of God's word to your brother for it will come to pass. He is trustworthy. I love you little sister..."

i don't think encouragement like that is ever by accident or coincidence, and it came at just the right time. i believe my body will one day be whole, but right now He's working on my heart.

i was once a pre-med student...

three stupid things i've done in the past week:

1. stole a "Just Busted" paper from the Texaco. it was only a buck, but i could have sworn those things were free. they should be, anyway. i mean... for our own protection and all! they were just laying there on the counter up for grabs, and after paying for my drinks, i grabbed one. i did realize a few minutes later (with the help of Seth and the big $1 circled on the front of the paper) that they were not free to the public. (and if you're curious, i did go back and pay her the dollar. she just laughed.)

2. showed up to work with my shirt on backwards. i knew it felt kind of funny, but it wasn't until i looked down and saw the tag below my chin that it hit me. good thing i realized it early on so many people didn't notice.

3. i was planning on typing the third stupid thing out too, but then i realized it probably wouldn't even make sense or be half as funny as it was to me at the time, so i'll just leave it at this... despite popular belief, i'm really not a dumb blonde most of the time. it just comes in spurts.

:)

in a nutshell...

this weekend was life changing for me, and if you were around me at any point this weekend, you probably wouldn't have known.

it was a weekend of practice games, a little relaxing, hanging out by the pool, and celebrating Seth's birthday. (for the record, i'm really glad God thought of him before the foundation of the world and knew just what he was going to do through him.)

but in the midst of the craziness (which i'm growing accustomed to), the Lord spoke to me and added to my testimony.

i hear testimonies all the time. great, powerful ones. and it's hard not to testify to His faithfulness when i see people's lives being changed every day through His power. while i'm fully aware my testimony is always growing and changing because God is continually growing and changing me, He dusted off my platform this weekend and made the place i stand just a little more clear.

this is my testimony:

i was born a wreck. the outside of me was all twisted up, but the inside of me was worse. the 15 or so surgeries i had on my legs and feet helped my physical condition some, but no one outside of Christ could help me with my heart. God found me at an early age, but my sin nature still gets in the way. God's shown me that up until now, i've let my disability define me. it became my identity without me even knowing it. darkness led me to believe that i was unlovable because my legs and feet weren't pretty like others i've seen. i've spent wasted time replacing God in my life with other people/things i felt could satisfy. they do satisfy, for awhile, but they will always leave us empty. the good news is that the Light has shown me the truth. i am loved by Him just like i am, and He created this messed up body of mine with a purpose in mind. as if being loved by Him is not enough, He's sent people to me that love me for me. this is HUGE for me. His love for me is alive and active in the people He's placed around me. i'm a work in progress, but i'm gradually becoming the me that i was created to be. and from here on out, i choose to not be identified by my circumstance but by the God who gave Himself for me. i choose to believe His love is more than enough.

He came to his own people, but they didn't want him. But whoever did want him, who believed he was who he claimed and would do what he said, He made to be their true selves, their child-of-God selves.

1 John (MSG)

He is jealous for me.

the last of this week has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster for me, but i'd actually feel bad about going into all of the details of the several instances that seemed to collide together to make my emotions soar. i guess it's because after i spent most of yesterday in Webster's Chapel looking around at all of the people there standing in the rubble that was once their homes, life shifted back into the right perspective for me, and i stood there in complete awe of the mercy and grace and sovereignty of God.

He sure has a way of reminding me of how big He is and how small i am.

i don't know why He chooses to spare me and take the life of someone else. i don't know why He sometimes feels so close and other times He seems at a distance (even though i'm pretty confident it's more than likely me that's moved away). i don't really even understand why there has to be pain to bring purpose to life. but i don't have to know or understand it all, and i'm completely good with that.

you know, i'm new with this whole man/woman relationship thing. i've never not liked boys, don't get me wrong, but a lot of these emotions that come with being in love are new to me. i haven't felt some of these feelings before now... one of them being jealousy.

we, as women, want to be priority. we want to be pursued. we'd like to think we're the only one on their minds and there's been no one before us. and up until tonight, i've felt bad for feeling

that way. and then the Lord reminds me that He's the one who made me. He made my emotions, and He's making the church... the bride... ready. God made a way, through Jesus, for us to live forever... and soon He's coming back for His bride.

We are a priority to Him. He pursues us. We are so small yet we are ALWAYS on His mind.

and He is jealous for me. He is JEALOUS for me!

i'm not too insane after all.

"so be careful not to break the covenant the LORD your God has made with you. do not make idols of any shape or form, for the LORD your God has forbidden this. the LORD your God is a devouring fire; he is a jealous God."

deuteronomy 4:23-24

Truth is here.

we lost ourselves somewhere along the way
the darkness overshadowed us and left us with a name
forgotten
overlooked
abused
used up

insecure
ashamed
bound
too much

the world has whispered to us all this time
inconspicuously burying Truth with little, white lies

'you surely won't die if you taste just a bite
the knowledge of good and evil wins out over life'

naked we came to be and naked we will go
we were made to be discovered and exposed

take us back to the garden in the cool of the day
walk with us and remind us we have a new name
chosen
prized
respected
justified

steadfast
content
set free
just right

You came in and made Your home in our hearts
we are covered by Your blood and we know who we are
(c) 2011

only He can satisfy...

i'm sitting at work eating the rest of my Snickers, and as i'm enjoying one of my favorite tastes, i look down on the back of the wrapper that says "SATISFIES." and that's true. if i'm craving a Snickers (which is pretty often), it does satisfy me... for a little while. but nine times out of ten it leaves me wanting more.

anything we could name, other than the Lord, is the same. it leaves us wanting more. it's good for a little while but doesn't last like we think it should. He's given me many good gifts here on earth that i love and i'm so thankful for, but i've learned that if i'm not continually seeking His face, i'm not satisfied. my relationships with others are even pointless if He's not the focus of them.

some days i look at my life and think of how far i have left to go. i'm in recovery, and i do have a LONG way to go. but i'm thankful that He's brought me this far. i wish my character defects and insecurity issues could be fixed overnight, but that's not how He works. daily if i choose to surrender, daily He will do a work in me.

satisfy me, satisfy me
make my desert bloom like spring
won't You satisfy me

satisfy me, satisfy me
make my dry land a flowing stream
won't You satisfy me

if we wait He will come, send His rain on everyone
if we wait He will come

-sarah mcmillan

His name is Jesus.

having to continually remind myself today that we're not wrestling against flesh and blood...

"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere."

Ephesians 6:10-18

Satan comes to destroy, but i have a light! i only hope i take every opportunity to shine it brightly.

sometimes i just need a sign.

this is really more for my sake than anyone who may read this. i'm really bad at writing anything down by hand, so i try to blog to remind myself what's been going on. and today, i want to remind myself (and others) that the Lord never forgets us. we may not always see or feel Him working in our lives, but He's always there.

Sunday after church and pizza, i headed towards Southside planning on going home for a little while before it was time to pick Lilly up. when i got to my street, i just kept going. most days, i spend time with God in my car, and it felt like a good day to just drive and listen. i drove for a good while before turning around, and as i was getting ready to turn around, i noticed a barn on my left with a big "CR" on the side of it. apparently it's the owner's brand, because after noticing the big one, i noticed a few other small CR's in different places. i, of course, thought of Celebrate Recovery because it's such a huge part of my life now... and then i didn't think anything else about it.

later on Sunday afternoon, Lilly and I went home from the park to clean up a little and change clothes, and as we were getting ready to walk out of the door, she intentionally breathed on me. i know that sounds crazy, but the moment she did, i remembered the dream i had a few nights before of her doing the same thing. i'm pretty sure she even said the same thing in real life as she did in my dream.

i just like moments like that... little moments that show me i'm in the right place even though i don't always believe it and half the time i screw things up. His mercies are never ending. and i can't speak for most people, but sometimes i just need a sign that i'm on the right road. Sunday i got two of them, and they wouldn't mean anything to anyone but me.

oh, and just in case you're wondering, i loved feeling like i had a little girl for a day. i feel more experienced with boys, since i've spent so much time with my cousins, but girls are so much fun. :)

so, here's my personality.

i just got back from the Designer Genes get-together at church tonight. as if i didn't already know, i'm a full blown phlegmatic, and...

*i like avoiding conflict and keeping peace.

*i need to feel worthy and understood.

*i need emotional support.

*i hate making decisions.

*i like a dry sense of humor.

*even when i'm excited about something, i don't always show my enthusiasm.

*i have a hidden will of iron.

*i'm very friendly but i'm an introvert.

*i hate personal confrontation. i'd almost rather die.

*i like people who will make decisions for me, who recognize my strengths, and who will not ignore me. (amen!)

*i dislike people who are too pushy and expect too much of me. (double amen!)

*i am inoffensive.

*i should learn to face my own problems as well as i handle other people's problems.

*i'm recognized by my calm approach.

*i'm much better at listening than talking.

*i usually doubt people more than i believe them.

...just in case you needed to know how to better deal with me. :)

no, but on a more serious note, i believe when we invite the Holy Spirit to come in and begin changing us, He can change our personalities for the better. sure, i hate confrontation, but i'm praying He'll give me the grace to be confrontational when it's necessary. i'm also praying for boldness and a confidence of who i am in Christ. and i want grace for people who were made to be different than me.

come as close as You want...

i was driving home from work one night when i was still living in Birmingham well over a year ago, and this phrase just came to me...

don't hand your heart to someone who can't feel the weight of it.

i knew it had to be from the Lord, because i couldn't come up with it on my own.

as i was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, i heard it again, and it took on a whole new meaning. i'm in a different place now than i was before, and for the first time, i'm learning how to trust someone else with my heart.

i've always trusted the Lord with my heart. i'm fully known by Him. He knows everything about me and loves me perfectly despite my shortcomings. but when it comes to trusting others, i'm hesitant. maybe hesitant is an understatement... and maybe it's more like resistant.

yes. resistant.

i've spent the majority of my life guarding my heart, and i've always counted that as a good thing until now.

i don't want to be misunderstood... guarding our hearts is a good thing. our hearts are so valuable and do not need to be placed in the hands of ones who don't recognize their worth. i just think that while trying to protect myself, walls have been built that are difficult to tear down. insecurities that have built up over time make their way to the surface and lie to me.

but i do know that just within the last few months, the Lord has taken the insecurities i've given him and restored me. and i also know that He will continue restoring and healing me until i'm with Him.

and that someone who's come along that's worth giving my heart to... he's patient and realizes this is all a process.

our hearts are big. our hearts are sometimes heavy. our hearts can hurt. our hearts are to be prized. we need to know whoever we hand them to will be careful with them.

perfect love casts out all fear.

oh, that we could love like we are loved... to the end.

to the end.

come as close as You want

consume this heart that longs to burn

i know Your fire can hurt

but i would be worse here without You

for i was made to dwell with you

and how i ache until i do

Holy God take my heart

purge with flame and truth

a holy heart is all i want

that i may live with you

come and take all these chains

that get in the way of what You want

as i stand in the flame

still i will say i trust You God

-misty edwards

confession

i have a confession.

i gossiped at work yesterday and today.

i knew i was gossiping while i was gossiping… and i kept on gossiping. that’s my story that has gotten me in trouble in the past. i knew i was doing wrong while i was doing wrong… and i kept on doing wrong.

the difference between now and then is that now i’m learning to admit when i’m wrong and make it right. there comes a point where we have to take responsibility for our actions and stop blaming everyone else.

so… as i was sitting in the cafeteria with several co-workers talking about so-and-so and how she could possibly continue to act like she’s been acting, i was reminded that i’m no different. i let my flesh win some and make bad decisions.

one of the guys i was talking to asked me a little later what my tattoo on the back of my neck means, and i proceeded to tell him, “Yeshua.” i didn’t like how it felt saying His name and knowing i wasn’t doing a very good job portraying Him.

i really do want to honor Him. i am so glad His blood covers me.

i choose to love.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me. I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again. God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

-Donald Miller "Blue Like Jazz"

gentle reminder

i was walking down one of the halls of the hospital coming back from lunch earlier today, and i caught myself thinking how hard it is for me to put my full trust in someone. i like to think i'm a trusting person, but when it comes down to facts, i'm not.

i set my standards so high that people always let me down. i'd rather go through my day with no expectations and be pleasantly surprised than have high expectations that hardly anyone can meet. i wouldn't even be able to meet my own expectations... and that's crazy.

so, while i was walking, the Lord gently reminded me... "your faith is not in man but in me." that's a good thing too. because even though we have the capacity to love, we'll never fully love like Jesus until we're made like Him. of course the more we grow in Him, the better we get at it, but we'll never love like we should 100% of the time until we're home.

i'm glad He constantly reminds me that He's the only one who can satisfy this hole in my heart that's been here since the beginning so i can have grace for people. i want more grace. and i want to love people even when i don't feel loved by them.

if you're reading this, pray for me. i've been seeking direction, and i know i probably need to take the first step (that's usually the way it goes), but i'm still unsure of what that step is. so... i'm waiting... and learning a lot in the meantime.

...and that's all i've got today.

:)

i like flowers.

i should probably invest in a pretty vase just to keep at work. every time i get flowers my co-workers have to help me hunt something for me to put them in.

thanks Seth. :)

Weight of Glory

i needed today.

you know that feeling you get when the Lord just comes to you and rests awhile? i feel Him the strongest when i sing. to me, He's sort of comparable to a weight (a good kind of weight) that comes and rests on me, filling my whole body with heat. and when i sing, i'm fully aware it's not really me singing at all. it's Him. in this moment when it's just me and Him, He comes in and changes my heart. i may not know exactly how He's changing me, but I know He is. He's making my heart, little by little, more like His.

after church today, Christie came up and asked me if i was planning on going to the mentor/mentee get-together at Susie's this afternoon. i hadn't planned on going since i didn't know anything about it, but since Christie was speaking, i figured i'd go hang out and enjoy some teaching. i was quick to tell Christie and a couple others when i got there that i didn't fill out a profile card because i wasn't planning on getting involved, but as always, the Lord had other plans already in order. (doesn't He always?) my excuse was that i didn't need to take on anything else... that my plate was already full... you know, the typical lines. but as i was sitting there listening to how these women have been blessed through forming relationships with each other, the Lord changed my mind for me. He told me i'd make the time. after all, relationships are really what this whole thing is about.

a friend texted me a while back and told me she was feeling heavy about a circumstance she was in, and i responded back with something like... "oh goodness... you know i understand. heavy is my middle name." funny thing is, i wasn't even trying to be funny. i have felt such heaviness lately, sometimes to the point of feeling like the weight of it is going to overtake me and drag me under, but days like today remind me of the truth.

the truth is that God's so much bigger than any of my feelings. and when He comes and rests on me and begins to give me new perspective, i'm reminded that He's far more powerful than i dare to imagine. His weight, the weight of glory (i find this title fitting since i'm reading C.S. Lewis's The Weight of Glory right now), is much stronger than the weight that heaviness can bring. He'll come and sit with us and throw our plans away and give us new ones from Him.

i'm glad He doesn't let me stay in control.

my thoughts today...

1. if i ever start focusing more on the gifts He's given me rather than seeking His face, He's quick at getting my attention again.
2. i wanna have faith like Job. "he said, 'i came naked from my mother's womb, and i will be naked when i leave. the Lord gave me what i had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!'" Job 1:21
3. i thought i'd never say these words, but i think i might want to teach. this thought terrifies me a little since a teacher is the last thing i'd consider myself, but He equips, right?
4. you may think i'm wishy-washy for changing my mind so much, and that's ok. i can be wishy-washy when it comes to the small things. and believe it or not, my career is a minute thing to me. it's less important to me than the Lord, my love, my family, my church, etc. i'm fully aware He gave me a mind to put to good use and hands to work, i'm just trying to take one day at a time and follow His lead. he brought me back to Gadsden when i didn't want to come. now that i'm here, i don't want to leave. He's funny sometimes. i'll follow Him anywhere, but i'm praying hard He lets me stay.
5. i'm already tired of typing today. i think i'll go eat a donut.

He's making progress.

i still have a long way to go.

but something cool happened tonight that just hit me about five seconds ago, and i have to share.

want to know how i know God's love for me is becoming more real to me and i'm slowly seeing myself as He sees me?

tonight i played the invitation at Celebrate Recovery. i played almost every single note wrong and i got the words all mixed up (the words i sang didn't even make sense together), and i didn't beat myself up over it.

WHOA... i didn't beat myself up. this is huge!

i'm not saying it was a good idea to try to play and sing a new song that i had only played through three or four times before, because it wasn't. i needed to prepare more. lesson learned. but after the fact, i laughed at myself and went on.

besides, the Lord knew the words that i meant to sing, and He probably thought it was pretty funny too.

He's doing away with the perfectionist in me, and how i love Him for it.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.

Ethel Barrymore

we just wanna to be fought for.

fight for me, not just once
continually seek me out
hold on tight, claim me as your prize

opposition awaits, be sure
contend with my resistance
when i push away, pull me into you

risk it all for me, relentlessly
love me again and again
surrender to the fire, burn 'til the end
(c) 2010

You won't relent

until You have it all

my heart is Yours

i'll set You as a seal upon my heart

as a seal upon my arm

for there is love that is as strong as death

jealousy demanding as the grave

and many waters cannot quench this love

come be the fire inside of me

come be the flame upon my heart

come be the fire inside of me

until You and I are one

-misty edwards

Step 4

this is horrible.

i haven't even gotten down to the meat of my inventory (i hate that phrase by the way... down to the meat of it? it grosses me out.) and all of these feelings of resentment and bitterness and anger are already rising up in me. i was thinking i must be a terrible person for feeling this way until Seth told me it's normal. all of these feelings have been in me all along... now they're just coming out.

i was also thinking how nice it'd be if i was off somewhere in the woods in a log cabin by myself for a few days/weeks (however long this process takes). i could have a 'Shack' type experience with the Trinity and all. but knowing me, i wouldn't take full advantage of it, and i'd eventually end up going off by myself somewhere and be found, months later, in a ditch on the side of a worn down trail.

hahaha... i'm really not a pessimist, i just like acting like i am. it adds a little humor to my day. and i'm not near as dramatic as i sound.

but really, isn't that how we usually work? we come to the Father through Jesus and His spirit comes and lives inside of us, and if we only surrender, He'll make the best decisions for us and lead us to just the right place. but 9 times out of 10 we make our own way instead.

the log cabin idea probably isn't a good one even if i did stay inside. i need people. we always need people (the ones that are going the same way we're going). i remember that one time i thought it could just be me and Jesus and i'd be fine. wrong again. human contact is good.

p.s. please pray with me that it doesn't snow tonight. it's pretty and all, but i think i'd sleep in the back of my car in the hospital parking lot before i sleep inside this place.

Perfection

i was looking back at some of the things i've written in the past several years, and this one stood out to me tonight. in just a few minutes, i'll continue answering questions about my past, and all the while, the Lord will be changing me. He's more than able to take the bad and replace it with more of Himself... we just have to let Him.

"Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth."

Psalm 50:2

growing up, i wanted to be strong.

i thought i was... for a while.

we all like to pretend that we are okay with ourselves.

we are the exceptions.

the one in a million who doesn't experience pain and has it all together.

in the last few years, i have realized just how weak i really am.

sometimes i like to think i'm okay with it.

but the fact is... i'm not okay with it yet. i am learning to be...

it's been a process... an extremely slow and painful one.

when one mountain seems to pass... another one is in the distance.

it has given me perspective though.. on a lot of things...

and i know this process has significance.

the circumstances haven't been in vain.

they have all shown me the roots of the problem.

they run so deep that it's taking a while for me to even understand them all.

sometimes our imperfections can lead to issues that sink so far down in

our hearts it takes time for them to resurface.

for a time, we can cover them up and forget they are alive.

sooner or later, they have to come forth and break free.

deliverance is desired, of course.

it would be far less complicated.

but growth is necessary and unfortunately not instantaneous.

so... in the meantime... i'm learning more about myself.

i'm realizing how messed up i am... how messed up i've always been.

it's not a good thing, but it's inevitable.

i'm human... and perfection has come only once to this earth...

as a man named Jesus.

while i strive for perfection... i will never reach it on this earth.

oddly enough, that comforts me.

my iniquities were known by Him before my existence,

and yet He created me and loves me.

He's always loved me... and His love will never fail me.

most of the time, this fact is too much for me to grasp.

occasionally, the realization overwhelms me and all i can do is worship.

"..but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away."

1 Corinthians 13:10

and so it begins...

four questions and three journal pages down, this moral inventory is much tougher than i thought it'd be. as i was reading over the questions beforehand, i thought "do i REALLY have to remember all of this?" it's interesting that we can push anything we choose to the back of our minds for so long that we can forget it ever existed. as i wrote, i remembered more and more... of the good and the bad. i figured i'd go ahead and get as much down on paper as possible this first time around so there will be that much less to worry about in the future. i'm so glad when we give it all to the Lord, He takes it and makes us new in the process. as Nick said last night... we don't have the ability to fix anything, but He can. He can mend and restore. i am so thankful! and the most exciting part? after we've dealt with our pasts and found freedom in Him, we're able to tell our stories about all He's done so others can have life too!

"And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony..."

Revelation 12:11

Acts 16

i'm thinking the Lord is trying to get my attention through Acts 16 again. the story of Paul and Silas getting thrown in prison has been brought up three or four times this week, and i never believe that's coincidence.

One day as we were going down to the place of prayer, we met a demon-possessed slave girl. She was a fortune-teller who earned a lot of money for her masters. She followed Paul and the rest of us, shouting, “These men are servants of the Most High God, and they have come to tell you how to be saved.” This went on day after day until Paul got so exasperated that he turned and said to the demon within her, “I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her.” And instantly it left her.

Her masters’ hopes of wealth were now shattered, so they grabbed Paul and Silas and dragged them before the authorities at the marketplace. “The whole city is in an uproar because of these Jews!” they shouted to the city officials. “They are teaching customs that are illegal for us Romans to practice.” A mob quickly formed against Paul and Silas, and the city officials ordered them stripped and beaten with wooden rods. They were severely beaten, and then they were thrown into prison. The jailer was ordered to make sure they didn’t escape. So the jailer put them into the inner dungeon and clamped their feet in the stocks.

Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off! The jailer woke up to see the prison doors wide open. He assumed the prisoners had escaped, so he drew his sword to kill himself. But Paul shouted to him, “Stop! Don’t kill yourself! We are all here!”

The jailer called for lights and ran to the dungeon and fell down trembling before Paul and Silas. Then he brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, along with everyone in your household.” And they shared the word of the Lord with him and with all who lived in his household. Even at that hour of the night, the jailer cared for them and washed their wounds. Then he and everyone in his household were immediately baptized. He brought them into his house and set a meal before them, and he and his entire household rejoiced because they all believed in God.

The next morning the city officials sent the police to tell the jailer, “Let those men go!” So the jailer told Paul, “The city officials have said you and Silas are free to leave. Go in peace.” But Paul replied, “They have publicly beaten us without a trial and put us in prison—and we are Roman citizens. So now they want us to leave secretly? Certainly not! Let them come themselves to release us!” When the police reported this, the city officials were alarmed to learn that Paul and Silas were Roman citizens. So they came to the jail and apologized to them. Then they brought them out and begged them to leave the city. When Paul and Silas left the prison, they returned to the home of Lydia. There they met with the believers and encouraged them once more. Then they left town.
Acts 16:16-40

you know, it's easy for me to say 'let me suffer well' when the suffering isn't taking place... or when it's let up a little. it's always easier said than done, but when i've found myself in the midst of suffering in the past, it's not even been easy for me to say. when we're tired and discouraged and hurt and confused and we can't see the end result, we don't feel like suffering well.

but when we do, people take notice. when we're bound up by chains and still praise Him through our circumstances, people see Him and are saved. when our focus is Him, we're not the only ones who find freedom. the people around us do too. He may deliver us from our afflictions on earth and He may not, but His glory is His ultimate purpose. i don't want to get in the way of that.

i pray He continues making me humble. i pray as my character defects and flaws come to the light, people will see Him working in me and perfecting me to be like Him.

cheesy quote for a snow day...

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

When Harry Met Sally

p.s. i hope everyone is having a good snow day. i'm just happy i can't be found at 1007 goodyear avenue today! now it's time for me to get back to my book reading and movie watching...

oh, and one more thing:

"Wash yourselves and be clean! Get your sins out of my sight. Give up your evil ways. Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows. 'Come now, let’s settle this,' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. '"

Isaiah 1:16-18

Beautiful Mercy

there is no pit too deep

that Jesus cannot reach

there is no sorrow so strong

that will overtake His beloved one

and He's brought me to this wilderness

where i will learn to sing

and He lets me know my barrenness

so i will learn to lean

oh Beautiful Mercy

do what You have to do

Jealous Lover

do what You have to do

so i will sing

yes i will sing

even in the brokenness

i will sing

-laura hackett