this is perfection.

i've got to have this horse painting, somehow.

Perfection

i was looking back at some of the things i've written in the past several years, and this one stood out to me tonight. in just a few minutes, i'll continue answering questions about my past, and all the while, the Lord will be changing me. He's more than able to take the bad and replace it with more of Himself... we just have to let Him.

"Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth."

Psalm 50:2

growing up, i wanted to be strong.

i thought i was... for a while.

we all like to pretend that we are okay with ourselves.

we are the exceptions.

the one in a million who doesn't experience pain and has it all together.

in the last few years, i have realized just how weak i really am.

sometimes i like to think i'm okay with it.

but the fact is... i'm not okay with it yet. i am learning to be...

it's been a process... an extremely slow and painful one.

when one mountain seems to pass... another one is in the distance.

it has given me perspective though.. on a lot of things...

and i know this process has significance.

the circumstances haven't been in vain.

they have all shown me the roots of the problem.

they run so deep that it's taking a while for me to even understand them all.

sometimes our imperfections can lead to issues that sink so far down in

our hearts it takes time for them to resurface.

for a time, we can cover them up and forget they are alive.

sooner or later, they have to come forth and break free.

deliverance is desired, of course.

it would be far less complicated.

but growth is necessary and unfortunately not instantaneous.

so... in the meantime... i'm learning more about myself.

i'm realizing how messed up i am... how messed up i've always been.

it's not a good thing, but it's inevitable.

i'm human... and perfection has come only once to this earth...

as a man named Jesus.

while i strive for perfection... i will never reach it on this earth.

oddly enough, that comforts me.

my iniquities were known by Him before my existence,

and yet He created me and loves me.

He's always loved me... and His love will never fail me.

most of the time, this fact is too much for me to grasp.

occasionally, the realization overwhelms me and all i can do is worship.

"..but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away."

1 Corinthians 13:10

Love is living inside of me.

you are my bulwark in this land, protecting me as they come at me.
i search for the mot juste to describe you.. all of you or even just a part of you.. and it doesn't come. i wish it would.

i want to fill my curio cabinet with all that is unusual about you... just unable to wrap my arms around it all.
the words you speak edify me daily. i pray your illumination will enlighten the others who surround me.
i have grown dim. my light does not shine as bright as it did before. light me again and radiate in and through me.

you cushion my falls.

you are my sustenance and help me stand...

stronger than before.

again and again.

By your favor, O LORD, you made my mountain stand strong;

you hid your face, I was dismayed.

Psalm 30:7

your distance from me has made you even more glorious. maybe this season will be ending soon, and maybe not.
the grace you show me continuously dwells in my heart, welling up in me at times as a reminder of perfection.

thank you for being perfect so i don't have to be.

you are love in its purest form... just living inside of me.

show me your face again.

let me memorize your expressions and the lines on your skin.

with a strong hand and an outstretched arm,

for his steadfast love endures forever..

Psalm 136:12

your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens,

your faithfulness to the clouds.

Psalm 36:5

you whisper your thoughts through my dreams at night. impart...intrust...utter more of yourself to me, please.
i dreamed of being separated from you, and upon awaking, i realized you were still here. thank you.
uphold me so you can better trust me. maintain me so you may choose to use me. fix my eyes on heaven.. on you.
turn my suffering into gladness and my shame into praise.
submerge me in your goodness, not letting me come up for even a breath. you're the only air i need.
as the day begins and draws to an end, let me be aware of you and what you're doing in this realm and in the other.
give me insight..revelation..but really, just more of you.

But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may

also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed,

because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.

I Peter 4:13-14

Written: December 2008