a few random facts:
1. i need to dramatically improve my skills on rock band. i'm better on drums than guitar, which is surprising. they throw that orange button in there, and it just gets me all discombobulated.
2. i really want to find me a box of chocolate lucky charms. caley deemed today "eat your weight in chocolate lucky charms day."
3. if i found one, i would not share it with anyone. (okay, if you smiled and said please, i would so share...)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
unanswered inquisitions
i've been thinking a lot about my life the last few days. while i'm not sure what i expected it to look like by now, i know it hasn't turned out like i planned. ideally, i should have graduated in four years. i should have applied and gotten into medical school directly after, and i should be finished by the time i'm 27. instead, it took me five years to graduate. i haven't even applied to medical school yet because i haven't made high enough on the MCAT. i have a second shift job that depresses me more everyday. and if i'm lucky, i'll get to practice medicine by the time i'm 34. i know this shouldn't weigh me down like it does, but that doesn't stop the thoughts and questions that creep into the back of my mind.
i feel like i'm stuck here and my life is wasting away. i've grown complacent instead of passionate. as much as i want to move forward, i can't make myself take the first step. my mind is discouraged, and my heart is needing more. i go through the motions, while i'm certain i was created for much, much more than this. i hate the pressures of this world and knowing what's expected of me. i wish there were no expectations and no high hopes of what i can become. it's really not about me at all.
a friend once told me about a lady that traveled around the world and listened to people. simply listened. their stories, their dreams, their failures.. they mattered to her. i just want to love. is that too much to ask? i've always held a different perspective than most, and i used to be ashamed. recently, i've talked to a few others with the same views. maybe this is just how i was put together. we were put together. maybe that's how He intended me to be. i don't have any desire to live a normal life. i don't want to settle in and be comfortable. this life is too short to be like the rest. i want money to have no value and status to have no hold on me.
i want to change the world. i'll have to leave the people i love to meet the people that do not know love. does this make me selfish?
here is something i wrote about this time last year. the same questions are still in my mind waiting to be answered even now...
__________________________________________________
"...yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints..."
words... they are such a mystery. i speak one phrase that can mean a million different things. or it's just the opposite. i stumble around with an array of words trying to get this one idea that is pounding through my head across, and i cannot do it for the life of me. after awhile, they lose their meanings and gain new ones.. ones that most cannot even comprehend. they try so hard to express and describe and relate.. and most of the time.. they don't even do me justice. maybe it is the other way around. maybe i don't do words justice, because if i am honest with myself, i really have no idea what i am trying to say. if i just search hard enough, maybe the words will come to communicate exactly who i am and how i feel, but this is doubtful. words are just that.. simply words. they can never be enough.. or can they?
feelings.. emotions... at times good, most often deceiving. i feel so deep.. yet i don't understand what's going on down there in the depths..or up here in the light. while i go deep, i want to go deeper. i need to go deeper. it's inside of me, and i just can't seem to quite figure it out. figuring it out.. how i feel.. what i want.. what it is i need.. that's the problem with me.. the problem for most of us. i hope my steps, one at a time, will take me to the right destination. my eyes see the beauty, but my heart doesn't feel it. if i go solely based on emotions, i miss the truth. if i try not to feel at all, i miss the world. i feel to live.. and i live to feel. where do i draw the line?
i could go on forever asking myself or my fellow man questions like these.. wandering amongst the wreckage.. in and out of what i know and what i feel.. but in the end, i'm still as uncertain as before. the only way to know for sure is by the light of His word, and i'm glad He has all of the answers. His ways are higher than mine, and He gives us understanding. all we have to do is ask...
"...Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; or wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul..."
Proverbs 2: 3-10
_________________________________________________
i really do want to walk with the Lord. what He's started in me He'll be faithful to complete. i'll be faithful to obey. i've come too far to quit now. but imagine with me, what if all He's really called us to do is share His love with others? i can't fathom any greater purpose than this.
i feel like i'm stuck here and my life is wasting away. i've grown complacent instead of passionate. as much as i want to move forward, i can't make myself take the first step. my mind is discouraged, and my heart is needing more. i go through the motions, while i'm certain i was created for much, much more than this. i hate the pressures of this world and knowing what's expected of me. i wish there were no expectations and no high hopes of what i can become. it's really not about me at all.
a friend once told me about a lady that traveled around the world and listened to people. simply listened. their stories, their dreams, their failures.. they mattered to her. i just want to love. is that too much to ask? i've always held a different perspective than most, and i used to be ashamed. recently, i've talked to a few others with the same views. maybe this is just how i was put together. we were put together. maybe that's how He intended me to be. i don't have any desire to live a normal life. i don't want to settle in and be comfortable. this life is too short to be like the rest. i want money to have no value and status to have no hold on me.
i want to change the world. i'll have to leave the people i love to meet the people that do not know love. does this make me selfish?
here is something i wrote about this time last year. the same questions are still in my mind waiting to be answered even now...
__________________________________________________
"...yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints..."
"My lips are moving and the sound's coming out
The words are audible but I have my doubts
That you realize what has been said
You look at me as if you're in a daze
It's like the feeling at the end of the page
When you realize You don't know what you just read..."
Missing Persons
The words are audible but I have my doubts
That you realize what has been said
You look at me as if you're in a daze
It's like the feeling at the end of the page
When you realize You don't know what you just read..."
Missing Persons
"It is the mind which creates the world around us, and even though we stand side by side in the same meadow, my eyes will never see what is beheld by yours, my heart will never stir to the emotions with which yours is touched."
George Gissing
idealism... is blinding. too many of us focus on what might or should be instead of what actually is. none of us were made with conformity in mind. through the course of time, differences have made their ways from greatness to shame.. with rules and regulations taking over simplicity. simply being just doesn't seem enough for me. now, standards have to be met and expectations attained... someone else's expectations at that. my choices are left to sit on my mind until they gain someone else's approval.. then they can be made and carried out. i wait for a more skillful artist to come and paint the picture of my life and how it should be...when deep down, i know i'm the only one who knows what the canvas should portray: grace.. humility.. honesty.. love... all of the things that will not fade. i cannot forget these come in many ways. my story doesn't have to look the same as theirs. it can be beautiful just the same.. right?George Gissing
Let hope inspire you, but let not idealism blind you. Don't look back, you
can never look back.
Don Henley
can never look back.
Don Henley
"...Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; or wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul..."
Proverbs 2: 3-10
_________________________________________________
i really do want to walk with the Lord. what He's started in me He'll be faithful to complete. i'll be faithful to obey. i've come too far to quit now. but imagine with me, what if all He's really called us to do is share His love with others? i can't fathom any greater purpose than this.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
spider monkeys and cherry blossoms
ah, it's been such a great weekend. i'm not usually very good at documenting significant events, but i get the idea that's what bloggers are supposed to do. i say this weekend is significant because it's finally spring! i'll do my best at re-capping..
Kristi and Leyden came to spend the weekend with me. it was good to have two more souls in my tiny apartment to keep me entertained! friday night, Kristi read some of Grandaddy's journal to us and, of course, we nearly died laughing. he wrote about the first time he met Gran and how he had to break Mary Louise's heart (the girl he had asked to marry him before laying eyes on his "dear, sweet Juanita"). we also found a poem Gran had written him while he was at war. who knew she was a writer?
we spent the majority of our time Saturday at the zoo. Kristi and Leyden had planned on going to the mcwane center and vulcan park but decided at the last minute the zoo would be a good choice. apparently, everyone and their brothers thought so. i felt like i was at disneyworld all over again. the animals were cute (especially the spider monkeys and massive lion), and the train ride was pretty swell too. my mom told me they would probably keep me with the monkeys. thanks, mom. afterwards, they got to experience cheesecake from the cheesecake factory and iguana grill. Lauren, Ryan, and Claire met us at iguana grill, and it was fun getting to see them. Ryan really made me laugh.
i rolled out of bed this morning and rode home with Mollie to get in some much-needed riding time. the weather was perfect. Rio, my Arabian friend, doesn't have the most pleasant trot, so i ended up losing my cell phone in the middle of a huge field. we later played hide-and-seek and found it. my poor phone.
i figured my dead camera had spent long enough in the glove compartment of my car, so i re-charged it and put it to good use this weekend. a few of the pictures are below...
Kristi and Leyden came to spend the weekend with me. it was good to have two more souls in my tiny apartment to keep me entertained! friday night, Kristi read some of Grandaddy's journal to us and, of course, we nearly died laughing. he wrote about the first time he met Gran and how he had to break Mary Louise's heart (the girl he had asked to marry him before laying eyes on his "dear, sweet Juanita"). we also found a poem Gran had written him while he was at war. who knew she was a writer?
we spent the majority of our time Saturday at the zoo. Kristi and Leyden had planned on going to the mcwane center and vulcan park but decided at the last minute the zoo would be a good choice. apparently, everyone and their brothers thought so. i felt like i was at disneyworld all over again. the animals were cute (especially the spider monkeys and massive lion), and the train ride was pretty swell too. my mom told me they would probably keep me with the monkeys. thanks, mom. afterwards, they got to experience cheesecake from the cheesecake factory and iguana grill. Lauren, Ryan, and Claire met us at iguana grill, and it was fun getting to see them. Ryan really made me laugh.
i rolled out of bed this morning and rode home with Mollie to get in some much-needed riding time. the weather was perfect. Rio, my Arabian friend, doesn't have the most pleasant trot, so i ended up losing my cell phone in the middle of a huge field. we later played hide-and-seek and found it. my poor phone.
i figured my dead camera had spent long enough in the glove compartment of my car, so i re-charged it and put it to good use this weekend. a few of the pictures are below...
pictures of spring...
the fuzzy baby flamingo slept the whole time.
...and this monkey was just lazy.
me and leyden riding the choo choo
lily pads
my bridle and boots
i think teddy likes purple.
mollie and rio
we took goober-ish pictures and decided these are the best kind.
just another trail..
i call this one "special ed."
sweet horsieWednesday, March 18, 2009
in these shadows
she was guarded, covered up
he was darkly shaded in
they were shadows in the absence of light
full of mistrust, overwhelmed with doubt
she loved, he lost again
this place was their refuge in the night
illumination blocked, she cried
unwanted reflection, he denied
he walked on, she secretly followed
the dawn came, radiating through
her guard fell, his perspective new
the Light had brought healing once again
(c) 2009
he was darkly shaded in
they were shadows in the absence of light
full of mistrust, overwhelmed with doubt
she loved, he lost again
this place was their refuge in the night
illumination blocked, she cried
unwanted reflection, he denied
he walked on, she secretly followed
the dawn came, radiating through
her guard fell, his perspective new
the Light had brought healing once again
(c) 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
it's almost twilight.
the Twilight series is oh, so good. i never would have dreamed i would fall for a vampire, but it's true. i go on dates with Edward Cullen every night now. he's a good vampire, don't worry. i started the second book in the series, New Moon, two nights ago. i even cried while reading it in the hospital cafeteria yesterday.. pretty embarrassing. i don't think anyone noticed, so that's good.
i think i'm drawn to the way he loves this girl, Bella. he has so much love for her, and this love surpasses his weakness. he chooses her life over his satisfaction. i wish my relationship with the Lord looked like that.. overcoming temptations and choosing Him every single time.
it's 1:30am. i just got home from celebrating St. Patty's at Mollie and Patrick's house and decided on a 7th addition to my bucket list. you can check it out below. now i plan on hitting the sack (...only after squeezing another chapter or so into my day).
goodnight all, or should i say good morning?
i think i'm drawn to the way he loves this girl, Bella. he has so much love for her, and this love surpasses his weakness. he chooses her life over his satisfaction. i wish my relationship with the Lord looked like that.. overcoming temptations and choosing Him every single time.
it's 1:30am. i just got home from celebrating St. Patty's at Mollie and Patrick's house and decided on a 7th addition to my bucket list. you can check it out below. now i plan on hitting the sack (...only after squeezing another chapter or so into my day).
goodnight all, or should i say good morning?
Friday, March 13, 2009
my bucket list
1. write a book. it would have to be an informal one, probably just comprised of poems and thoughts i've written in the past. Mamaw has begged me to, and that gives me incentive to do so. besides, she has faith in me. :) i like reading books that are real and full of issues that most ignore. we all have them, most of us just don't admit it.
2. "..think i'll find a lover, fly them out to Spain.." i listened to these words by Augustana tonight on the way home. my lover will be my husband, of course (God-willing), and i'll be going to Spain with him.
3. see the Northern Lights. i've recently become fascinated with auroras. i didn't even know what they were a few weeks ago, but now i'm set on seeing one during my lifetime. it's like an awesome light show straight from the Lord. research it, and you're guaranteed to be amazed. you can see them best from Alaska, Norway, or Russia. i would be fine watching from any of the three.
4. go to Africa, hold the orphans, and kiss them on their cheeks. they just look so precious in the pictures i've been looking at. i also want to see Jesus in them.
5. go skydiving. it seems like almost everyone's list of things-to-do includes this one. who wants to go with me?
6. walk where Jesus walked. being where He was, while He's also living inside of me, has got to be the best thing next to heaven. i think if i ever go to Israel, i'll just cry the whole time. not out of sadness but of joy. He has redeemed me and is alive!
7. spend St. Patty's in Ireland. i would have to take Mollie and Patrick with me. one reason being they love St. Patty's and Ireland, and another reason being they are just two really cool people to hang with. we've always said we needed to go to Europe together. this would be the ideal occasion. if i had my way, we would pay an outrageous amount of money to ride horses through the Gap of Dunloe on this day.
8. go sailing. there's something about the idea of it that's so freeing. listening to david gray makes it even more appealing. "sail away with me honey, i put my heart in your hands..."
9. take a road trip to Cali. i've never been, and i have a hunch i would like it. i've always wanted to go to arizona too, to see where my cowboy of a Grandaddy grew up, so i figure i'll just stop and see all the sights along the way.
[more to be added...]
2. "..think i'll find a lover, fly them out to Spain.." i listened to these words by Augustana tonight on the way home. my lover will be my husband, of course (God-willing), and i'll be going to Spain with him.
3. see the Northern Lights. i've recently become fascinated with auroras. i didn't even know what they were a few weeks ago, but now i'm set on seeing one during my lifetime. it's like an awesome light show straight from the Lord. research it, and you're guaranteed to be amazed. you can see them best from Alaska, Norway, or Russia. i would be fine watching from any of the three.
4. go to Africa, hold the orphans, and kiss them on their cheeks. they just look so precious in the pictures i've been looking at. i also want to see Jesus in them.
5. go skydiving. it seems like almost everyone's list of things-to-do includes this one. who wants to go with me?
6. walk where Jesus walked. being where He was, while He's also living inside of me, has got to be the best thing next to heaven. i think if i ever go to Israel, i'll just cry the whole time. not out of sadness but of joy. He has redeemed me and is alive!
7. spend St. Patty's in Ireland. i would have to take Mollie and Patrick with me. one reason being they love St. Patty's and Ireland, and another reason being they are just two really cool people to hang with. we've always said we needed to go to Europe together. this would be the ideal occasion. if i had my way, we would pay an outrageous amount of money to ride horses through the Gap of Dunloe on this day.
8. go sailing. there's something about the idea of it that's so freeing. listening to david gray makes it even more appealing. "sail away with me honey, i put my heart in your hands..."
9. take a road trip to Cali. i've never been, and i have a hunch i would like it. i've always wanted to go to arizona too, to see where my cowboy of a Grandaddy grew up, so i figure i'll just stop and see all the sights along the way.
[more to be added...]
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