He breathes into me, and I live..

The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones. And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. And he said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "O Lord GOD, you know." Then he said to me, "Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD."

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone. And I looked, and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them. But there was no breath in them. Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, Thus says the Lord GOD: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live." So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.

Then he said to me, "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say 'Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.' Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will do it, declaresthe LORD."

Ezekiel 37:1-14

for the first time in days, i'm actually starting to believe He's slowly bringing me out of the darkness and holding me up to the Light of His face. i'm starting to notice the veil being torn from my eyes and seeing my passion for Him come forth... in new ways than before. as i sit here in the midst of the confusion and dry dust that have surrounded me for so long, i see a small speck of hope in the distance. i could hardly remember what He looked and felt like until today, so for now, this speck is good enough for me.

..not that Hope hasn't been there all along, but my vision has been too cloudy to see Him. this earth below me and dust about me have made me into who they wanted me to be instead of who i was created to be... sanctified, holy, righteous, His pure bride.. laying down this life He's given me as a gift at His feet. my dust--the sin i was born into and the filth that i acquire along the way--is now His. He gave His life to breathe life into these dry bones. reminds me of these lyrics to a song by Tim Reimherr...

..my heart is stirred by a noble theme

bringing blessed words unto my king

giving up my love as a sweet offering

oh the beauty of this man

for the sake of love, he left his father's throne

searching for a bride, bone of his bone

such a humble kiss to make my dust his own

oh the beauty of this man

see his hands, his head, his feet, and his side

they bear the marks of wrath, of pure sacrifice

to secure my love by giving up his life

oh the beauty of this man

she now faint with love beckons him to come

establish righteousness as God's risen son

on that glorious day she'll marry her fair one

oh the beauty of this man..

Hope is present, but it still seems as if it's a good ways off. there are still questions to be answered and voids to fill. i don't claim to know much, but there's one thing i do know. He's here waiting for me to respond. He's never stopped drawing me back to Him, and His grace is sufficient for us all.

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an excerpt from Whitney's blog:

I am tired. I am tired of living this mundane life, not knowing what road to take next. I am tired of my life not MEANING anything to me. I feel pulled to go deeper, do more, dream bigger, but don’t know which direction to follow. I am exhausted and weary from longing for MORE yet not accomplishing anything. I don’t know whether it’s me not opening my eyes and seeing or whether it’s a waiting period that God is asking me to endure. What if He is placing open doors along my path and I’m just turning my face away from them? Is it that? or could it possibly be that I must journey a little further before the doors are open?

There is an ache that seems to grow inside me that is screaming for me to follow a more narrow path. I feel like I am on a road being trampled by the crowds and yet I can’t seem to find the road less traveled. Am I just afraid of failure? Or is God calling me to be still? I know it’s my fault that I am so lost. I know I need to make more of an effort in my marriage to Him but can’t seem to find the energy. This scares me. I cannot allow myself to become who I was. I know that way doesn’t work. Yet, I can’t seem to find the instructions on how to turn around.

Grace. Mercy. Love… I need You.

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my response:

..how can i begin to answer when i don't know the answers myself? i can speak or type out answers that may sound good, but if my heart doesn't find any truth to them or peace within them, what good are they?

we're in the same boat. the truth is in my heart, but i don't feel it or even believe it half the time. i know all these things i'm supposed to be doing and have the desire to know Him more, but i can't make myself take the first step. if we ask, He'll give us the desire. we can't conjure it up on our own, i know that.

but i'm too tired and frustrated to even ask. that's my excuse, anyway. it's not a good one. they say if we want something bad enough or love something hard enough, we'll do anything. is this true? i love Him, i do, and i owe Him my life. why can't i get past this place i've been for awhile now and move to glory?

"...and it's nobody's fault but mine, and nobody's but my own. all the doubts in my head leave no will to carry on, and they're multiplying..."

the one thing i do know is that His grace is big enough to cover anything... the doubts and the fears and the mistakes we've made and are still making. and while confusion is all about me, i have enough faith to know we're gonna make it out of this place somehow.

He'll give us the grace.

unanswered inquisitions

i've been thinking a lot about my life the last few days. while i'm not sure what i expected it to look like by now, i know it hasn't turned out like i planned. ideally, i should have graduated in four years. i should have applied and gotten into medical school directly after, and i should be finished by the time i'm 27. instead, it took me five years to graduate. i haven't even applied to medical school yet because i haven't made high enough on the MCAT. i have a second shift job that depresses me more everyday. and if i'm lucky, i'll get to practice medicine by the time i'm 34. i know this shouldn't weigh me down like it does, but that doesn't stop the thoughts and questions that creep into the back of my mind.

i feel like i'm stuck here and my life is wasting away. i've grown complacent instead of passionate. as much as i want to move forward, i can't make myself take the first step. my mind is discouraged, and my heart is needing more. i go through the motions, while i'm certain i was created for much, much more than this. i hate the pressures of this world and knowing what's expected of me. i wish there were no expectations and no high hopes of what i can become. it's really not about me at all.

a friend once told me about a lady that traveled around the world and listened to people. simply listened. their stories, their dreams, their failures.. they mattered to her. i just want to love. is that too much to ask? i've always held a different perspective than most, and i used to be ashamed. recently, i've talked to a few others with the same views. maybe this is just how i was put together. we were put together. maybe that's how He intended me to be. i don't have any desire to live a normal life. i don't want to settle in and be comfortable. this life is too short to be like the rest. i want money to have no value and status to have no hold on me.

i want to change the world. i'll have to leave the people i love to meet the people that do not know love. does this make me selfish?

here is something i wrote about this time last year. the same questions are still in my mind waiting to be answered even now...
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"...yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints..."

words... they are such a mystery. i speak one phrase that can mean a million different things. or it's just the opposite. i stumble around with an array of words trying to get this one idea that is pounding through my head across, and i cannot do it for the life of me. after awhile, they lose their meanings and gain new ones.. ones that most cannot even comprehend. they try so hard to express and describe and relate.. and most of the time.. they don't even do me justice. maybe it is the other way around. maybe i don't do words justice, because if i am honest with myself, i really have no idea what i am trying to say. if i just search hard enough, maybe the words will come to communicate exactly who i am and how i feel, but this is doubtful. words are just that.. simply words. they can never be enough.. or can they?

"My lips are moving and the sound's coming out
The words are audible but I have my doubts
That you realize what has been said
You look at me as if you're in a daze
It's like the feeling at the end of the page
When you realize You don't know what you just read..."
Missing Persons

feelings.. emotions... at times good, most often deceiving. i feel so deep.. yet i don't understand what's going on down there in the depths..or up here in the light. while i go deep, i want to go deeper. i need to go deeper. it's inside of me, and i just can't seem to quite figure it out. figuring it out.. how i feel.. what i want.. what it is i need.. that's the problem with me.. the problem for most of us. i hope my steps, one at a time, will take me to the right destination. my eyes see the beauty, but my heart doesn't feel it. if i go solely based on emotions, i miss the truth. if i try not to feel at all, i miss the world. i feel to live.. and i live to feel. where do i draw the line?

"It is the mind which creates the world around us, and even though we stand side by side in the same meadow, my eyes will never see what is beheld by yours, my heart will never stir to the emotions with which yours is touched."
George Gissing

idealism... is blinding. too many of us focus on what might or should be instead of what actually is. none of us were made with conformity in mind. through the course of time, differences have made their ways from greatness to shame.. with rules and regulations taking over simplicity. simply being just doesn't seem enough for me. now, standards have to be met and expectations attained... someone else's expectations at that. my choices are left to sit on my mind until they gain someone else's approval.. then they can be made and carried out. i wait for a more skillful artist to come and paint the picture of my life and how it should be...when deep down, i know i'm the only one who knows what the canvas should portray: grace.. humility.. honesty.. love... all of the things that will not fade. i cannot forget these come in many ways. my story doesn't have to look the same as theirs. it can be beautiful just the same.. right?

Let hope inspire you, but let not idealism blind you. Don't look back, you
can never look back.
Don Henley

i could go on forever asking myself or my fellow man questions like these.. wandering amongst the wreckage.. in and out of what i know and what i feel.. but in the end, i'm still as uncertain as before. the only way to know for sure is by the light of His word, and i'm glad He has all of the answers. His ways are higher than mine, and He gives us understanding. all we have to do is ask...

"...Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; or wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul..."
Proverbs 2: 3-10
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i really do want to walk with the Lord. what He's started in me He'll be faithful to complete. i'll be faithful to obey. i've come too far to quit now. but imagine with me, what if all He's really called us to do is share His love with others? i can't fathom any greater purpose than this.