unanswered inquisitions

i've been thinking a lot about my life the last few days. while i'm not sure what i expected it to look like by now, i know it hasn't turned out like i planned. ideally, i should have graduated in four years. i should have applied and gotten into medical school directly after, and i should be finished by the time i'm 27. instead, it took me five years to graduate. i haven't even applied to medical school yet because i haven't made high enough on the MCAT. i have a second shift job that depresses me more everyday. and if i'm lucky, i'll get to practice medicine by the time i'm 34. i know this shouldn't weigh me down like it does, but that doesn't stop the thoughts and questions that creep into the back of my mind.

i feel like i'm stuck here and my life is wasting away. i've grown complacent instead of passionate. as much as i want to move forward, i can't make myself take the first step. my mind is discouraged, and my heart is needing more. i go through the motions, while i'm certain i was created for much, much more than this. i hate the pressures of this world and knowing what's expected of me. i wish there were no expectations and no high hopes of what i can become. it's really not about me at all.

a friend once told me about a lady that traveled around the world and listened to people. simply listened. their stories, their dreams, their failures.. they mattered to her. i just want to love. is that too much to ask? i've always held a different perspective than most, and i used to be ashamed. recently, i've talked to a few others with the same views. maybe this is just how i was put together. we were put together. maybe that's how He intended me to be. i don't have any desire to live a normal life. i don't want to settle in and be comfortable. this life is too short to be like the rest. i want money to have no value and status to have no hold on me.

i want to change the world. i'll have to leave the people i love to meet the people that do not know love. does this make me selfish?

here is something i wrote about this time last year. the same questions are still in my mind waiting to be answered even now...
__________________________________________________

"...yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints..."

words... they are such a mystery. i speak one phrase that can mean a million different things. or it's just the opposite. i stumble around with an array of words trying to get this one idea that is pounding through my head across, and i cannot do it for the life of me. after awhile, they lose their meanings and gain new ones.. ones that most cannot even comprehend. they try so hard to express and describe and relate.. and most of the time.. they don't even do me justice. maybe it is the other way around. maybe i don't do words justice, because if i am honest with myself, i really have no idea what i am trying to say. if i just search hard enough, maybe the words will come to communicate exactly who i am and how i feel, but this is doubtful. words are just that.. simply words. they can never be enough.. or can they?

"My lips are moving and the sound's coming out
The words are audible but I have my doubts
That you realize what has been said
You look at me as if you're in a daze
It's like the feeling at the end of the page
When you realize You don't know what you just read..."
Missing Persons

feelings.. emotions... at times good, most often deceiving. i feel so deep.. yet i don't understand what's going on down there in the depths..or up here in the light. while i go deep, i want to go deeper. i need to go deeper. it's inside of me, and i just can't seem to quite figure it out. figuring it out.. how i feel.. what i want.. what it is i need.. that's the problem with me.. the problem for most of us. i hope my steps, one at a time, will take me to the right destination. my eyes see the beauty, but my heart doesn't feel it. if i go solely based on emotions, i miss the truth. if i try not to feel at all, i miss the world. i feel to live.. and i live to feel. where do i draw the line?

"It is the mind which creates the world around us, and even though we stand side by side in the same meadow, my eyes will never see what is beheld by yours, my heart will never stir to the emotions with which yours is touched."
George Gissing

idealism... is blinding. too many of us focus on what might or should be instead of what actually is. none of us were made with conformity in mind. through the course of time, differences have made their ways from greatness to shame.. with rules and regulations taking over simplicity. simply being just doesn't seem enough for me. now, standards have to be met and expectations attained... someone else's expectations at that. my choices are left to sit on my mind until they gain someone else's approval.. then they can be made and carried out. i wait for a more skillful artist to come and paint the picture of my life and how it should be...when deep down, i know i'm the only one who knows what the canvas should portray: grace.. humility.. honesty.. love... all of the things that will not fade. i cannot forget these come in many ways. my story doesn't have to look the same as theirs. it can be beautiful just the same.. right?

Let hope inspire you, but let not idealism blind you. Don't look back, you
can never look back.
Don Henley

i could go on forever asking myself or my fellow man questions like these.. wandering amongst the wreckage.. in and out of what i know and what i feel.. but in the end, i'm still as uncertain as before. the only way to know for sure is by the light of His word, and i'm glad He has all of the answers. His ways are higher than mine, and He gives us understanding. all we have to do is ask...

"...Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; or wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul..."
Proverbs 2: 3-10
_________________________________________________

i really do want to walk with the Lord. what He's started in me He'll be faithful to complete. i'll be faithful to obey. i've come too far to quit now. but imagine with me, what if all He's really called us to do is share His love with others? i can't fathom any greater purpose than this.