taking flight

i wrote this poem a few weeks ago. it stemmed from past experiences in planes and remembering why i love them so. sure, if i don't keep my ears popped constantly, the pain is near unbearable halfway into the trip [and chewing gum just doesn't seem to help my poor ears], but the views make up for it.


it makes me feel good to look down and see the world as simple for just a little while. i think the Lord likes teaching me from this perspective. i like writing so i can remember a tad of what i learn.

then, there are those times when my writing collides with my dreams as they come up to the surface of my heart. it's funny how sometimes i don't even know what those dreams are until they begin making their way to paper.

i'm sitting here, thousands of miles away from my town

looking down on the vertical distance between us is changing me
i'm wrapped up in this blanket because it's cold up here
but the inside of me is warmer than it's felt in years

the city looks clean and simple, tidy little boxes separated my streets
the square in the corner is lit up by a man who loves his family
he may have to work two jobs to give them what they need
but they know the long hours stem from love, not greed

from way up here, everything looks orderly and intact
the people have it all together and know what they've come to do
they speak with voices as calm as the ocean appears
and they all hold hands and pray because they know the end is near

the roads are never ending, left and right lead to the very same place
confusion isn't present when there's this bird's eye view
no one is questioning when or where and how or why
they just serve during the day and have peace in their homes at night

the clouds are below me now, so i'm above all the rain
these clouds may look heavy from where you are but that's not true
they surrounded me on my way up and wrapped me in white
and now they're parting just in time for you to see the light

when i land, i won't lose this perspective like before
when the newness wore off and and simplicities slowly faded away
distance has healed the pain and brought forth tears to roam
no more wondering what it's really like, i'm coming home

(c) 2009

fields of green

this is where i wish i was on this monday... in a wide, open field. i love fields. they make me so careless and free.

"Oh I see fields of green
Honey I see fields of green
I've been watching you in these dreams
I've been watching you in these dreams in fields of green.."
-Joe Purdy

look how they shine..

it's been a good day. i got up at 9am (earlier than i get up any other morning.. i have to make my favorite day count!) and worked on part of a practice test. Iron & Wine helped with this gruesome task. they're really good at setting the mood. since it was so warm, i spent the rest of my afternoon at the riverwalk with my fishermen friends. we ate chinese, as always, and caught up on life. my name is still carved on my bench, but it's fading a little. Carl goes back after a heavy rain to color it in again. it wouldn't surprise me a bit if i returned tomorrow with my name looking as good as new...

tonight, i had a movie night with nick and his family. bella is my favorite miniature pinscher in the world. i really just go to see her and josie. ohhh, i'm kidding. maybe. we watched a couple of movies, one of which really inspired me. i just have to rant for a few minutes.. starting now.

it really bothers me that various institutions and people have so much control over the human mind. one movie was based on intelligent design and how most won't ever be educated on it because it's not allowed to be discussed in classrooms at all; and yet, we can discuss Darwin's views all day long. having a degree in biomedical sciences, i sat through biology classes galore. i don't remember one professor ever mentioning God or creation. they gave us no option other than evolution. we are supposed to have the right to choose what we believe, but we are presented with only one choice.

i choose science and God. i choose to practice medicine and believe in a God who is supernatural and a much better Physician than i'll ever be. He created the first cell..the first human body.. so He knows it inside and out. that is such a relief. it's incomprehensible to me how people can put their faith in outrageous ideas such as aliens inhabiting the earth or the first molecule forming from nothing but turn a deaf ear to the sound of His name...

every design, however simple or complex, has a designer. the Designer i know created the beauty around me, and i wish everyone could see Him in all of His glory one day.

as i was driving home tonight after the downpour, i looked up and saw the stars in a very clear sky and smiled. it was just another moment that i realized how small i am and how sweet He is to me. i am blessed, and my life has meaning because of Him.

p.s. my best friend Stephanie just became a blogger. this also added joy to my Saturday in a really big way. now i can read about and remember her hilariousness anytime i please! i love you, Stephie. :)

chocolate lucky charms are yummy.

a few random facts:
1. i need to dramatically improve my skills on rock band. i'm better on drums than guitar, which is surprising. they throw that orange button in there, and it just gets me all discombobulated.
2. i really want to find me a box of chocolate lucky charms. caley deemed today "eat your weight in chocolate lucky charms day."
3. if i found one, i would not share it with anyone. (okay, if you smiled and said please, i would so share...)

unanswered inquisitions

i've been thinking a lot about my life the last few days. while i'm not sure what i expected it to look like by now, i know it hasn't turned out like i planned. ideally, i should have graduated in four years. i should have applied and gotten into medical school directly after, and i should be finished by the time i'm 27. instead, it took me five years to graduate. i haven't even applied to medical school yet because i haven't made high enough on the MCAT. i have a second shift job that depresses me more everyday. and if i'm lucky, i'll get to practice medicine by the time i'm 34. i know this shouldn't weigh me down like it does, but that doesn't stop the thoughts and questions that creep into the back of my mind.

i feel like i'm stuck here and my life is wasting away. i've grown complacent instead of passionate. as much as i want to move forward, i can't make myself take the first step. my mind is discouraged, and my heart is needing more. i go through the motions, while i'm certain i was created for much, much more than this. i hate the pressures of this world and knowing what's expected of me. i wish there were no expectations and no high hopes of what i can become. it's really not about me at all.

a friend once told me about a lady that traveled around the world and listened to people. simply listened. their stories, their dreams, their failures.. they mattered to her. i just want to love. is that too much to ask? i've always held a different perspective than most, and i used to be ashamed. recently, i've talked to a few others with the same views. maybe this is just how i was put together. we were put together. maybe that's how He intended me to be. i don't have any desire to live a normal life. i don't want to settle in and be comfortable. this life is too short to be like the rest. i want money to have no value and status to have no hold on me.

i want to change the world. i'll have to leave the people i love to meet the people that do not know love. does this make me selfish?

here is something i wrote about this time last year. the same questions are still in my mind waiting to be answered even now...
__________________________________________________

"...yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints..."

words... they are such a mystery. i speak one phrase that can mean a million different things. or it's just the opposite. i stumble around with an array of words trying to get this one idea that is pounding through my head across, and i cannot do it for the life of me. after awhile, they lose their meanings and gain new ones.. ones that most cannot even comprehend. they try so hard to express and describe and relate.. and most of the time.. they don't even do me justice. maybe it is the other way around. maybe i don't do words justice, because if i am honest with myself, i really have no idea what i am trying to say. if i just search hard enough, maybe the words will come to communicate exactly who i am and how i feel, but this is doubtful. words are just that.. simply words. they can never be enough.. or can they?

"My lips are moving and the sound's coming out
The words are audible but I have my doubts
That you realize what has been said
You look at me as if you're in a daze
It's like the feeling at the end of the page
When you realize You don't know what you just read..."
Missing Persons

feelings.. emotions... at times good, most often deceiving. i feel so deep.. yet i don't understand what's going on down there in the depths..or up here in the light. while i go deep, i want to go deeper. i need to go deeper. it's inside of me, and i just can't seem to quite figure it out. figuring it out.. how i feel.. what i want.. what it is i need.. that's the problem with me.. the problem for most of us. i hope my steps, one at a time, will take me to the right destination. my eyes see the beauty, but my heart doesn't feel it. if i go solely based on emotions, i miss the truth. if i try not to feel at all, i miss the world. i feel to live.. and i live to feel. where do i draw the line?

"It is the mind which creates the world around us, and even though we stand side by side in the same meadow, my eyes will never see what is beheld by yours, my heart will never stir to the emotions with which yours is touched."
George Gissing

idealism... is blinding. too many of us focus on what might or should be instead of what actually is. none of us were made with conformity in mind. through the course of time, differences have made their ways from greatness to shame.. with rules and regulations taking over simplicity. simply being just doesn't seem enough for me. now, standards have to be met and expectations attained... someone else's expectations at that. my choices are left to sit on my mind until they gain someone else's approval.. then they can be made and carried out. i wait for a more skillful artist to come and paint the picture of my life and how it should be...when deep down, i know i'm the only one who knows what the canvas should portray: grace.. humility.. honesty.. love... all of the things that will not fade. i cannot forget these come in many ways. my story doesn't have to look the same as theirs. it can be beautiful just the same.. right?

Let hope inspire you, but let not idealism blind you. Don't look back, you
can never look back.
Don Henley

i could go on forever asking myself or my fellow man questions like these.. wandering amongst the wreckage.. in and out of what i know and what i feel.. but in the end, i'm still as uncertain as before. the only way to know for sure is by the light of His word, and i'm glad He has all of the answers. His ways are higher than mine, and He gives us understanding. all we have to do is ask...

"...Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; or wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul..."
Proverbs 2: 3-10
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i really do want to walk with the Lord. what He's started in me He'll be faithful to complete. i'll be faithful to obey. i've come too far to quit now. but imagine with me, what if all He's really called us to do is share His love with others? i can't fathom any greater purpose than this.

spider monkeys and cherry blossoms

ah, it's been such a great weekend. i'm not usually very good at documenting significant events, but i get the idea that's what bloggers are supposed to do. i say this weekend is significant because it's finally spring! i'll do my best at re-capping..

Kristi and Leyden came to spend the weekend with me. it was good to have two more souls in my tiny apartment to keep me entertained! friday night, Kristi read some of Grandaddy's journal to us and, of course, we nearly died laughing. he wrote about the first time he met Gran and how he had to break Mary Louise's heart (the girl he had asked to marry him before laying eyes on his "dear, sweet Juanita"). we also found a poem Gran had written him while he was at war. who knew she was a writer?

we spent the majority of our time Saturday at the zoo. Kristi and Leyden had planned on going to the mcwane center and vulcan park but decided at the last minute the zoo would be a good choice. apparently, everyone and their brothers thought so. i felt like i was at disneyworld all over again. the animals were cute (especially the spider monkeys and massive lion), and the train ride was pretty swell too. my mom told me they would probably keep me with the monkeys. thanks, mom. afterwards, they got to experience cheesecake from the cheesecake factory and iguana grill. Lauren, Ryan, and Claire met us at iguana grill, and it was fun getting to see them. Ryan really made me laugh.

i rolled out of bed this morning and rode home with Mollie to get in some much-needed riding time. the weather was perfect. Rio, my Arabian friend, doesn't have the most pleasant trot, so i ended up losing my cell phone in the middle of a huge field. we later played hide-and-seek and found it. my poor phone.

i figured my dead camera had spent long enough in the glove compartment of my car, so i re-charged it and put it to good use this weekend. a few of the pictures are below...

pictures of spring...

the fuzzy baby flamingo slept the whole time.

...and this monkey was just lazy.

me and leyden riding the choo choo

lily pads

my bridle and boots

i think teddy likes purple.

mollie and rio

we took goober-ish pictures and decided these are the best kind.

just another trail..

i call this one "special ed."

sweet horsie

in these shadows

she was guarded, covered up
he was darkly shaded in

they were shadows in the absence of light

full of mistrust, overwhelmed with doubt
she loved, he lost again

this place was their refuge in the night

illumination blocked, she cried
unwanted reflection, he denied

he walked on, she secretly followed

the dawn came, radiating through
her guard fell, his perspective new

the Light had brought healing once again
(c) 2009

it's almost twilight.

the Twilight series is oh, so good. i never would have dreamed i would fall for a vampire, but it's true. i go on dates with Edward Cullen every night now. he's a good vampire, don't worry. i started the second book in the series, New Moon, two nights ago. i even cried while reading it in the hospital cafeteria yesterday.. pretty embarrassing. i don't think anyone noticed, so that's good.

i think i'm drawn to the way he loves this girl, Bella. he has so much love for her, and this love surpasses his weakness. he chooses her life over his satisfaction. i wish my relationship with the Lord looked like that.. overcoming temptations and choosing Him every single time.

it's 1:30am. i just got home from celebrating St. Patty's at Mollie and Patrick's house and decided on a 7th addition to my bucket list. you can check it out below. now i plan on hitting the sack (...only after squeezing another chapter or so into my day).

goodnight all, or should i say good morning?

my bucket list

1. write a book. it would have to be an informal one, probably just comprised of poems and thoughts i've written in the past. Mamaw has begged me to, and that gives me incentive to do so. besides, she has faith in me. :) i like reading books that are real and full of issues that most ignore. we all have them, most of us just don't admit it.

2. "..think i'll find a lover, fly them out to Spain.." i listened to these words by Augustana tonight on the way home. my lover will be my husband, of course (God-willing), and i'll be going to Spain with him.

3. see the Northern Lights. i've recently become fascinated with auroras. i didn't even know what they were a few weeks ago, but now i'm set on seeing one during my lifetime. it's like an awesome light show straight from the Lord. research it, and you're guaranteed to be amazed. you can see them best from Alaska, Norway, or Russia. i would be fine watching from any of the three.

4. go to Africa, hold the orphans, and kiss them on their cheeks. they just look so precious in the pictures i've been looking at. i also want to see Jesus in them.

5. go skydiving. it seems like almost everyone's list of things-to-do includes this one. who wants to go with me?

6. walk where Jesus walked. being where He was, while He's also living inside of me, has got to be the best thing next to heaven. i think if i ever go to Israel, i'll just cry the whole time. not out of sadness but of joy. He has redeemed me and is alive!

7. spend St. Patty's in Ireland. i would have to take Mollie and Patrick with me. one reason being they love St. Patty's and Ireland, and another reason being they are just two really cool people to hang with. we've always said we needed to go to Europe together. this would be the ideal occasion. if i had my way, we would pay an outrageous amount of money to ride horses through the Gap of Dunloe on this day.

8. go sailing. there's something about the idea of it that's so freeing. listening to david gray makes it even more appealing. "sail away with me honey, i put my heart in your hands..."

9. take a road trip to Cali. i've never been, and i have a hunch i would like it. i've always wanted to go to arizona too, to see where my cowboy of a Grandaddy grew up, so i figure i'll just stop and see all the sights along the way.

[more to be added...]

oh, Greece

i love when the moon is full. i usually notice the moon at night, but particularly when it's full. tonight it reminded me of Greece. one night when we were in Ithaca (...or another one of the many islands we went to that all seem to be spelled similarly), Gabrielle's dad took about 239,234 pictures of the moon. it was surrounded by clouds and reflecting off of the water that was filled with hundreds of cute, colorful boats. it was so pretty. i need to go back there soon. since i can't find the picture i took of the moon that night, a picture of the boats will do.

back to You..

back to you
it always comes around
back to you
i tried to forget you
i tried to stay away
but it's too late

over you
i'm never over
over you

something about you

it's just the way you move
the way you move me

oh, i'm so good at forgetting
and i quit every game i play
but forgive me, love
i can't turn and walk away
-john mayer

the clouds are parting
the sky is slowly turning from grey back to blue
the sun is shining in
the branches break and fall like the chains that held me to you

the leaves are changing
my dreams are rising as the breeze stirs them up
the flowers dance about me
the birds' song playing in the background is more than enough

...if you told me then this day would come
i would have said you were hopeful
ask me now how much stronger i've become
they were right when they discovered..
it's all in time
(c) 2009

reading + riding - arithmetic

this picture reminded me of where i will be in a little over a month, and it made me happy! it also reminded me that i need to start looking for a sundress and a big hat to wear to the Golden Cup.

Jesse told me this weekend that he wants me to plan to spend a whole day with him at his granddad's ranch. he wants me to help them work cows. he might even teach me how to rope, although i would be perfectly fine just watching.

oh, and i'm officially a reader again. i decided this weekend i'm going to take the time to start reading something besides my Biology book and Bible (even those should continue to take priority). i used to be an avid reader. i remember my mom taking me to the library when i was younger, coming back two hours later to pick me up, and still not giving me enough time to pick my ten books out. thankfully, my friend Mollie is now a librarian. she's going to create a reading list for me and save me lots of time. i feel smarter already.

my word for the day is: meandering.

the perfect Love

yesterday was a hard day. i walked in Gran and Grandaddy's house for the last time. i know they are gone, but there is something about going back to that place where so many memories were first born. i could still smell them. when we drove away, i could almost see them standing outside the door waving goodbye like they always did. the house is now empty, but my heart will never be. i love them both so much. i wish i could tell them one more time here on earth, but i will be seeing them again. this is something i wrote a few days after my grandmother finally went to her home above...

i want to love. really love.

i want the kind of love that only Jesus can give. the kind of love that is unconditional. the world cannot take unconditional love away.. because it's commitment. it's forever.. and we cannot really even understand it until He teaches us about it. He teaches us about this love through His Word and through the cross of Jesus.

i'm tired of seeing the temporary happiness that overwhelms this world. i want to see the real thing.. love overflowing. i do know what real Love is, and He is inside of me. i just want to come to a better understanding of Him.

as i wear this ring that symbolizes the love that my grandparents shared throughout their years on earth together, i want it to remind me how important it is to be committed. committed to family.. to friends.. but most of all.. to my Maker. i believe He wants us to find love on earth as He loves His bride, and i pray that i won't settle for anything that doesn't come from Him. i can't...

my grandparents were the two most committed people i've ever seen on this earth. they were committed to the Lord.. to their church.. to their family and friends.. and to each other. they loved each other unconditionally. i am so blessed to have had them in my life for so long to teach me a little more about love. remembering them makes me long to love like they did.

although my grandmother was buried thursday, she really died when my grandfather did in april. she didn't want to live anymore. she didn't have the will to fight death. she kept saying.. "it's time for me to go home. i want to see him." she couldn't bear to live this life without the one who had made a covenant with her. they shared a love that doesn't come from this world. they experiences real love.

i want to be taught more about this love, so that i can give it away. i want a love that is steadfast and secure. a love that brings no guilt or shame. until i find love on earth.. and even then.. i'm setting my eyes on Jesus.. the perfect love.

perfect love casts out all fear.

i really need this love.

Your Joy, it comes with the light..

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

many times, i'm inspired by a song or by nature... or even by a dream. today i was inspired by two people. one has been my best friend for a couple of years, and the other one i have never even met. one had finally set his heart on something he thought was his destiny. today, he found out his plans and the goals he had for himself can no longer be carried out the way he wanted them to because of his past. the other may be fighting for her life tomorrow. her disease is making her so weak that she is now questioning whether she will ever be able to lead the life she's always thought of.

the suffering isn't what inspires me. the way they handle the inevitable is what i love. after telling my friend not to give up, he stated, "who said anything about giving up? the apostle Paul had a lot to deal with too, ya know? i still love life!" i'm glad he sees the big picture and his hope isn't bound to his circumstances. and no matter what his past looks like, the Lord's blood, grace, and mercy cover him now.

and for the other.. she may be questioning, but she sure isn't giving up. she gets up, goes to school every day, struggles to have the energy to take a test, and talks about where she hopes to go next. she knows she has no other choice. besides, none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. i'm thankful our time here is only a flash compared to eternity.

Let this be the only love song I write
May You be the only Love in my life
I asked You to draw me, I said I would run
So though I walk through the valley, yet will I trust
I asked You to call me, I said I would come
So though I go up the mountain, yet will I run

Though my song be taken from me
Yet will I sing; yet will I praise You
Though the joy be taken from me
Yet will I laugh; yet will I shout unto You
Though the light be hidden from me
Yet will I walk; yet will I run after You
Though my heart be slain within me
Yet will I trust; yet will I follow You

‘Cause I know whatever You do, You do through the eyes of mercy
And nothing can be added to it, nothing can be taken away
There is a time for every purpose under the heavens
So though my weeping may last for the night
Oh how Your joy, it comes with the light
-Audra Lynn

Twitter!

www.twitter.com

this site is pretty awesome.. and pretty addicting. anyone who hasn't checked it out should. it makes me feel like everyone in the world is one big, happy family. i get to know what's going on in everyone's life without even being nosy!

today at work...
erik: "who are you reading texts from, Emily?"
me: "ohh.. John Mayer and Ashton Kutcher."

so, yeah. you should check it out.

tweet, tweet.

God loves my heart.

i had a dream last night that an old friend gave me a tattoo. it was going down the backside of my arm and read, "God loves your heart." (Mom, don't worry.. i'm not getting any more tattoos). i just love the way He encourages me. sometimes i wonder how He can love me. i feel so unworthy, and i feel like my heart is no longer pure... like it ever was. that's the beautiful thing about it all. we are unworthy and have never been pure, but He sees us this way because of His blood that covers us. His blood covers my heart and He sees me as holy.

gabrielle made me a CD today with this song on it. His timing is perfect. i love the words..

i can't understand this work of grace
how a perfect God would come and take my place

i can't understand this work of grace
how a perfect God would come and take my place

the stars they don't move you
the waves can't undo you
the mountains in their splendor
they cannot steal your heart

this God who is holy
perfect in beauty
awesome in glory
is ravished by my heart

though i'm poor you say i'm lovely
though i'm dark you say i am beautiful

somehow my weak glance, it overwhelms you
somehow my weak love, it has stolen away your heart
-sarah edwards