He's making progress.

i still have a long way to go.

but something cool happened tonight that just hit me about five seconds ago, and i have to share.

want to know how i know God's love for me is becoming more real to me and i'm slowly seeing myself as He sees me?

tonight i played the invitation at Celebrate Recovery. i played almost every single note wrong and i got the words all mixed up (the words i sang didn't even make sense together), and i didn't beat myself up over it.

WHOA... i didn't beat myself up. this is huge!

i'm not saying it was a good idea to try to play and sing a new song that i had only played through three or four times before, because it wasn't. i needed to prepare more. lesson learned. but after the fact, i laughed at myself and went on.

besides, the Lord knew the words that i meant to sing, and He probably thought it was pretty funny too.

He's doing away with the perfectionist in me, and how i love Him for it.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.

Ethel Barrymore

we just wanna to be fought for.

fight for me, not just once
continually seek me out
hold on tight, claim me as your prize

opposition awaits, be sure
contend with my resistance
when i push away, pull me into you

risk it all for me, relentlessly
love me again and again
surrender to the fire, burn 'til the end
(c) 2010

You won't relent

until You have it all

my heart is Yours

i'll set You as a seal upon my heart

as a seal upon my arm

for there is love that is as strong as death

jealousy demanding as the grave

and many waters cannot quench this love

come be the fire inside of me

come be the flame upon my heart

come be the fire inside of me

until You and I are one

-misty edwards

Step 4

this is horrible.

i haven't even gotten down to the meat of my inventory (i hate that phrase by the way... down to the meat of it? it grosses me out.) and all of these feelings of resentment and bitterness and anger are already rising up in me. i was thinking i must be a terrible person for feeling this way until Seth told me it's normal. all of these feelings have been in me all along... now they're just coming out.

i was also thinking how nice it'd be if i was off somewhere in the woods in a log cabin by myself for a few days/weeks (however long this process takes). i could have a 'Shack' type experience with the Trinity and all. but knowing me, i wouldn't take full advantage of it, and i'd eventually end up going off by myself somewhere and be found, months later, in a ditch on the side of a worn down trail.

hahaha... i'm really not a pessimist, i just like acting like i am. it adds a little humor to my day. and i'm not near as dramatic as i sound.

but really, isn't that how we usually work? we come to the Father through Jesus and His spirit comes and lives inside of us, and if we only surrender, He'll make the best decisions for us and lead us to just the right place. but 9 times out of 10 we make our own way instead.

the log cabin idea probably isn't a good one even if i did stay inside. i need people. we always need people (the ones that are going the same way we're going). i remember that one time i thought it could just be me and Jesus and i'd be fine. wrong again. human contact is good.

p.s. please pray with me that it doesn't snow tonight. it's pretty and all, but i think i'd sleep in the back of my car in the hospital parking lot before i sleep inside this place.

Perfection

i was looking back at some of the things i've written in the past several years, and this one stood out to me tonight. in just a few minutes, i'll continue answering questions about my past, and all the while, the Lord will be changing me. He's more than able to take the bad and replace it with more of Himself... we just have to let Him.

"Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth."

Psalm 50:2

growing up, i wanted to be strong.

i thought i was... for a while.

we all like to pretend that we are okay with ourselves.

we are the exceptions.

the one in a million who doesn't experience pain and has it all together.

in the last few years, i have realized just how weak i really am.

sometimes i like to think i'm okay with it.

but the fact is... i'm not okay with it yet. i am learning to be...

it's been a process... an extremely slow and painful one.

when one mountain seems to pass... another one is in the distance.

it has given me perspective though.. on a lot of things...

and i know this process has significance.

the circumstances haven't been in vain.

they have all shown me the roots of the problem.

they run so deep that it's taking a while for me to even understand them all.

sometimes our imperfections can lead to issues that sink so far down in

our hearts it takes time for them to resurface.

for a time, we can cover them up and forget they are alive.

sooner or later, they have to come forth and break free.

deliverance is desired, of course.

it would be far less complicated.

but growth is necessary and unfortunately not instantaneous.

so... in the meantime... i'm learning more about myself.

i'm realizing how messed up i am... how messed up i've always been.

it's not a good thing, but it's inevitable.

i'm human... and perfection has come only once to this earth...

as a man named Jesus.

while i strive for perfection... i will never reach it on this earth.

oddly enough, that comforts me.

my iniquities were known by Him before my existence,

and yet He created me and loves me.

He's always loved me... and His love will never fail me.

most of the time, this fact is too much for me to grasp.

occasionally, the realization overwhelms me and all i can do is worship.

"..but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away."

1 Corinthians 13:10

and so it begins...

four questions and three journal pages down, this moral inventory is much tougher than i thought it'd be. as i was reading over the questions beforehand, i thought "do i REALLY have to remember all of this?" it's interesting that we can push anything we choose to the back of our minds for so long that we can forget it ever existed. as i wrote, i remembered more and more... of the good and the bad. i figured i'd go ahead and get as much down on paper as possible this first time around so there will be that much less to worry about in the future. i'm so glad when we give it all to the Lord, He takes it and makes us new in the process. as Nick said last night... we don't have the ability to fix anything, but He can. He can mend and restore. i am so thankful! and the most exciting part? after we've dealt with our pasts and found freedom in Him, we're able to tell our stories about all He's done so others can have life too!

"And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony..."

Revelation 12:11

Acts 16

i'm thinking the Lord is trying to get my attention through Acts 16 again. the story of Paul and Silas getting thrown in prison has been brought up three or four times this week, and i never believe that's coincidence.

One day as we were going down to the place of prayer, we met a demon-possessed slave girl. She was a fortune-teller who earned a lot of money for her masters. She followed Paul and the rest of us, shouting, “These men are servants of the Most High God, and they have come to tell you how to be saved.” This went on day after day until Paul got so exasperated that he turned and said to the demon within her, “I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her.” And instantly it left her.

Her masters’ hopes of wealth were now shattered, so they grabbed Paul and Silas and dragged them before the authorities at the marketplace. “The whole city is in an uproar because of these Jews!” they shouted to the city officials. “They are teaching customs that are illegal for us Romans to practice.” A mob quickly formed against Paul and Silas, and the city officials ordered them stripped and beaten with wooden rods. They were severely beaten, and then they were thrown into prison. The jailer was ordered to make sure they didn’t escape. So the jailer put them into the inner dungeon and clamped their feet in the stocks.

Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off! The jailer woke up to see the prison doors wide open. He assumed the prisoners had escaped, so he drew his sword to kill himself. But Paul shouted to him, “Stop! Don’t kill yourself! We are all here!”

The jailer called for lights and ran to the dungeon and fell down trembling before Paul and Silas. Then he brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, along with everyone in your household.” And they shared the word of the Lord with him and with all who lived in his household. Even at that hour of the night, the jailer cared for them and washed their wounds. Then he and everyone in his household were immediately baptized. He brought them into his house and set a meal before them, and he and his entire household rejoiced because they all believed in God.

The next morning the city officials sent the police to tell the jailer, “Let those men go!” So the jailer told Paul, “The city officials have said you and Silas are free to leave. Go in peace.” But Paul replied, “They have publicly beaten us without a trial and put us in prison—and we are Roman citizens. So now they want us to leave secretly? Certainly not! Let them come themselves to release us!” When the police reported this, the city officials were alarmed to learn that Paul and Silas were Roman citizens. So they came to the jail and apologized to them. Then they brought them out and begged them to leave the city. When Paul and Silas left the prison, they returned to the home of Lydia. There they met with the believers and encouraged them once more. Then they left town.
Acts 16:16-40

you know, it's easy for me to say 'let me suffer well' when the suffering isn't taking place... or when it's let up a little. it's always easier said than done, but when i've found myself in the midst of suffering in the past, it's not even been easy for me to say. when we're tired and discouraged and hurt and confused and we can't see the end result, we don't feel like suffering well.

but when we do, people take notice. when we're bound up by chains and still praise Him through our circumstances, people see Him and are saved. when our focus is Him, we're not the only ones who find freedom. the people around us do too. He may deliver us from our afflictions on earth and He may not, but His glory is His ultimate purpose. i don't want to get in the way of that.

i pray He continues making me humble. i pray as my character defects and flaws come to the light, people will see Him working in me and perfecting me to be like Him.

cheesy quote for a snow day...

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

When Harry Met Sally

p.s. i hope everyone is having a good snow day. i'm just happy i can't be found at 1007 goodyear avenue today! now it's time for me to get back to my book reading and movie watching...

oh, and one more thing:

"Wash yourselves and be clean! Get your sins out of my sight. Give up your evil ways. Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows. 'Come now, let’s settle this,' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. '"

Isaiah 1:16-18

Beautiful Mercy

there is no pit too deep

that Jesus cannot reach

there is no sorrow so strong

that will overtake His beloved one

and He's brought me to this wilderness

where i will learn to sing

and He lets me know my barrenness

so i will learn to lean

oh Beautiful Mercy

do what You have to do

Jealous Lover

do what You have to do

so i will sing

yes i will sing

even in the brokenness

i will sing

-laura hackett