in the pain there is healing.

i recently came to realize something about someone, and it made me sick. it literally made me sick. the details--who, or what, or why--don't even matter anymore. it's just the point that counts. when someone we think we know and have high expectations of disappoints us, it's devastating. in some cases trust can be built again (which is my preferred choice), but there are other times we just have to forgive and let go. the hard part is deciding if we're going to keep holding on and doing what we feel like doing or follow hard after God... even if He is telling us something we may not like hearing.

He may tell us to do something that scares us to death, and He may tell us to do something that hurts way more than we think it should.

...but in the pain there is healing.

while i was talking to God about it all, He turned it back to me. i think He likes doing that most of the time. i was focusing on what this person did, and the Holy Spirit gently reminded me of this flesh i still wear around too. we're all the same... we're sinners... and we're going to get it wrong some days. my job here is to love and seek God so I can hear Him and do what He says... and love people.

love people when they do right. and love people when they do wrong. God knows i need to be loved when i get it wrong. but it's so hard to love no matter what sometimes.

you know, we may give everything we have to give to someone, and it still may not be enough. that's the hard part. we can't fix anyone, only God can. and I pray i allow Him to change me from who i am now to who He wants me to be. i need to be fixed more than anyone.

if we pray, He'll guide us. He has to come through for us... He promised He would and He always does.

...but God looks at the heart.

grace is something you can never get but can only be given. there's no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about anymore than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks... a good night's sleep is grace and so are good dreams. most tears are grace. the smell of rain is grace. somebody loving you is grace.
frederick buechner

i've been focusing too much on the bad lately and not enough on the good. i think this rings true for most of us. we get caught up in the confusion of everyday life and lose sight of the One who holds the world in His palm. i've discovered when i make Jesus the center of my day, it all turns out better. i have a better attitude and can actually minister to someone else. when i learn to be grateful for the gifts God has given me, the greatest being Jesus Himself, my perspective on everything changes for the good. and we all need a little perspective.

i haven't always made the best decisions. i've held hurt and bitterness in my heart for some time before letting it go, and i've been known to isolate myself. we all have our own ways of dealing with hurt and none of them are good. the only right way is God's way, and He's slowly but surely teaching me. it's not the teaching that's slow... it's the learning. but maybe that's how He intended it to be all along. the longer the process is for me, the harder it will be for me to forget.

the deeper the cut, the sweeter the healing.

i got a text a little over a month ago from Peggy Joy. i knew her in auburn and she was always so faithful to pray for me. it said... "Hey Emily, remembering you and the word of promise from the LORD to heal you...don't lose hope of God's word to your brother for it will come to pass. He is trustworthy. I love you little sister..."

i don't think encouragement like that is ever by accident or coincidence, and it came at just the right time. i believe my body will one day be whole, but right now He's working on my heart.

i was once a pre-med student...

three stupid things i've done in the past week:

1. stole a "Just Busted" paper from the Texaco. it was only a buck, but i could have sworn those things were free. they should be, anyway. i mean... for our own protection and all! they were just laying there on the counter up for grabs, and after paying for my drinks, i grabbed one. i did realize a few minutes later (with the help of Seth and the big $1 circled on the front of the paper) that they were not free to the public. (and if you're curious, i did go back and pay her the dollar. she just laughed.)

2. showed up to work with my shirt on backwards. i knew it felt kind of funny, but it wasn't until i looked down and saw the tag below my chin that it hit me. good thing i realized it early on so many people didn't notice.

3. i was planning on typing the third stupid thing out too, but then i realized it probably wouldn't even make sense or be half as funny as it was to me at the time, so i'll just leave it at this... despite popular belief, i'm really not a dumb blonde most of the time. it just comes in spurts.

:)

in a nutshell...

this weekend was life changing for me, and if you were around me at any point this weekend, you probably wouldn't have known.

it was a weekend of practice games, a little relaxing, hanging out by the pool, and celebrating Seth's birthday. (for the record, i'm really glad God thought of him before the foundation of the world and knew just what he was going to do through him.)

but in the midst of the craziness (which i'm growing accustomed to), the Lord spoke to me and added to my testimony.

i hear testimonies all the time. great, powerful ones. and it's hard not to testify to His faithfulness when i see people's lives being changed every day through His power. while i'm fully aware my testimony is always growing and changing because God is continually growing and changing me, He dusted off my platform this weekend and made the place i stand just a little more clear.

this is my testimony:

i was born a wreck. the outside of me was all twisted up, but the inside of me was worse. the 15 or so surgeries i had on my legs and feet helped my physical condition some, but no one outside of Christ could help me with my heart. God found me at an early age, but my sin nature still gets in the way. God's shown me that up until now, i've let my disability define me. it became my identity without me even knowing it. darkness led me to believe that i was unlovable because my legs and feet weren't pretty like others i've seen. i've spent wasted time replacing God in my life with other people/things i felt could satisfy. they do satisfy, for awhile, but they will always leave us empty. the good news is that the Light has shown me the truth. i am loved by Him just like i am, and He created this messed up body of mine with a purpose in mind. as if being loved by Him is not enough, He's sent people to me that love me for me. this is HUGE for me. His love for me is alive and active in the people He's placed around me. i'm a work in progress, but i'm gradually becoming the me that i was created to be. and from here on out, i choose to not be identified by my circumstance but by the God who gave Himself for me. i choose to believe His love is more than enough.

He came to his own people, but they didn't want him. But whoever did want him, who believed he was who he claimed and would do what he said, He made to be their true selves, their child-of-God selves.

1 John (MSG)

He is jealous for me.

the last of this week has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster for me, but i'd actually feel bad about going into all of the details of the several instances that seemed to collide together to make my emotions soar. i guess it's because after i spent most of yesterday in Webster's Chapel looking around at all of the people there standing in the rubble that was once their homes, life shifted back into the right perspective for me, and i stood there in complete awe of the mercy and grace and sovereignty of God.

He sure has a way of reminding me of how big He is and how small i am.

i don't know why He chooses to spare me and take the life of someone else. i don't know why He sometimes feels so close and other times He seems at a distance (even though i'm pretty confident it's more than likely me that's moved away). i don't really even understand why there has to be pain to bring purpose to life. but i don't have to know or understand it all, and i'm completely good with that.

you know, i'm new with this whole man/woman relationship thing. i've never not liked boys, don't get me wrong, but a lot of these emotions that come with being in love are new to me. i haven't felt some of these feelings before now... one of them being jealousy.

we, as women, want to be priority. we want to be pursued. we'd like to think we're the only one on their minds and there's been no one before us. and up until tonight, i've felt bad for feeling

that way. and then the Lord reminds me that He's the one who made me. He made my emotions, and He's making the church... the bride... ready. God made a way, through Jesus, for us to live forever... and soon He's coming back for His bride.

We are a priority to Him. He pursues us. We are so small yet we are ALWAYS on His mind.

and He is jealous for me. He is JEALOUS for me!

i'm not too insane after all.

"so be careful not to break the covenant the LORD your God has made with you. do not make idols of any shape or form, for the LORD your God has forbidden this. the LORD your God is a devouring fire; he is a jealous God."

deuteronomy 4:23-24

Truth is here.

we lost ourselves somewhere along the way
the darkness overshadowed us and left us with a name
forgotten
overlooked
abused
used up

insecure
ashamed
bound
too much

the world has whispered to us all this time
inconspicuously burying Truth with little, white lies

'you surely won't die if you taste just a bite
the knowledge of good and evil wins out over life'

naked we came to be and naked we will go
we were made to be discovered and exposed

take us back to the garden in the cool of the day
walk with us and remind us we have a new name
chosen
prized
respected
justified

steadfast
content
set free
just right

You came in and made Your home in our hearts
we are covered by Your blood and we know who we are
(c) 2011

only He can satisfy...

i'm sitting at work eating the rest of my Snickers, and as i'm enjoying one of my favorite tastes, i look down on the back of the wrapper that says "SATISFIES." and that's true. if i'm craving a Snickers (which is pretty often), it does satisfy me... for a little while. but nine times out of ten it leaves me wanting more.

anything we could name, other than the Lord, is the same. it leaves us wanting more. it's good for a little while but doesn't last like we think it should. He's given me many good gifts here on earth that i love and i'm so thankful for, but i've learned that if i'm not continually seeking His face, i'm not satisfied. my relationships with others are even pointless if He's not the focus of them.

some days i look at my life and think of how far i have left to go. i'm in recovery, and i do have a LONG way to go. but i'm thankful that He's brought me this far. i wish my character defects and insecurity issues could be fixed overnight, but that's not how He works. daily if i choose to surrender, daily He will do a work in me.

satisfy me, satisfy me
make my desert bloom like spring
won't You satisfy me

satisfy me, satisfy me
make my dry land a flowing stream
won't You satisfy me

if we wait He will come, send His rain on everyone
if we wait He will come

-sarah mcmillan