Truth is here.

we lost ourselves somewhere along the way
the darkness overshadowed us and left us with a name
forgotten
overlooked
abused
used up

insecure
ashamed
bound
too much

the world has whispered to us all this time
inconspicuously burying Truth with little, white lies

'you surely won't die if you taste just a bite
the knowledge of good and evil wins out over life'

naked we came to be and naked we will go
we were made to be discovered and exposed

take us back to the garden in the cool of the day
walk with us and remind us we have a new name
chosen
prized
respected
justified

steadfast
content
set free
just right

You came in and made Your home in our hearts
we are covered by Your blood and we know who we are
(c) 2011

only He can satisfy...

i'm sitting at work eating the rest of my Snickers, and as i'm enjoying one of my favorite tastes, i look down on the back of the wrapper that says "SATISFIES." and that's true. if i'm craving a Snickers (which is pretty often), it does satisfy me... for a little while. but nine times out of ten it leaves me wanting more.

anything we could name, other than the Lord, is the same. it leaves us wanting more. it's good for a little while but doesn't last like we think it should. He's given me many good gifts here on earth that i love and i'm so thankful for, but i've learned that if i'm not continually seeking His face, i'm not satisfied. my relationships with others are even pointless if He's not the focus of them.

some days i look at my life and think of how far i have left to go. i'm in recovery, and i do have a LONG way to go. but i'm thankful that He's brought me this far. i wish my character defects and insecurity issues could be fixed overnight, but that's not how He works. daily if i choose to surrender, daily He will do a work in me.

satisfy me, satisfy me
make my desert bloom like spring
won't You satisfy me

satisfy me, satisfy me
make my dry land a flowing stream
won't You satisfy me

if we wait He will come, send His rain on everyone
if we wait He will come

-sarah mcmillan

His name is Jesus.

having to continually remind myself today that we're not wrestling against flesh and blood...

"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere."

Ephesians 6:10-18

Satan comes to destroy, but i have a light! i only hope i take every opportunity to shine it brightly.

sometimes i just need a sign.

this is really more for my sake than anyone who may read this. i'm really bad at writing anything down by hand, so i try to blog to remind myself what's been going on. and today, i want to remind myself (and others) that the Lord never forgets us. we may not always see or feel Him working in our lives, but He's always there.

Sunday after church and pizza, i headed towards Southside planning on going home for a little while before it was time to pick Lilly up. when i got to my street, i just kept going. most days, i spend time with God in my car, and it felt like a good day to just drive and listen. i drove for a good while before turning around, and as i was getting ready to turn around, i noticed a barn on my left with a big "CR" on the side of it. apparently it's the owner's brand, because after noticing the big one, i noticed a few other small CR's in different places. i, of course, thought of Celebrate Recovery because it's such a huge part of my life now... and then i didn't think anything else about it.

later on Sunday afternoon, Lilly and I went home from the park to clean up a little and change clothes, and as we were getting ready to walk out of the door, she intentionally breathed on me. i know that sounds crazy, but the moment she did, i remembered the dream i had a few nights before of her doing the same thing. i'm pretty sure she even said the same thing in real life as she did in my dream.

i just like moments like that... little moments that show me i'm in the right place even though i don't always believe it and half the time i screw things up. His mercies are never ending. and i can't speak for most people, but sometimes i just need a sign that i'm on the right road. Sunday i got two of them, and they wouldn't mean anything to anyone but me.

oh, and just in case you're wondering, i loved feeling like i had a little girl for a day. i feel more experienced with boys, since i've spent so much time with my cousins, but girls are so much fun. :)

so, here's my personality.

i just got back from the Designer Genes get-together at church tonight. as if i didn't already know, i'm a full blown phlegmatic, and...

*i like avoiding conflict and keeping peace.

*i need to feel worthy and understood.

*i need emotional support.

*i hate making decisions.

*i like a dry sense of humor.

*even when i'm excited about something, i don't always show my enthusiasm.

*i have a hidden will of iron.

*i'm very friendly but i'm an introvert.

*i hate personal confrontation. i'd almost rather die.

*i like people who will make decisions for me, who recognize my strengths, and who will not ignore me. (amen!)

*i dislike people who are too pushy and expect too much of me. (double amen!)

*i am inoffensive.

*i should learn to face my own problems as well as i handle other people's problems.

*i'm recognized by my calm approach.

*i'm much better at listening than talking.

*i usually doubt people more than i believe them.

...just in case you needed to know how to better deal with me. :)

no, but on a more serious note, i believe when we invite the Holy Spirit to come in and begin changing us, He can change our personalities for the better. sure, i hate confrontation, but i'm praying He'll give me the grace to be confrontational when it's necessary. i'm also praying for boldness and a confidence of who i am in Christ. and i want grace for people who were made to be different than me.

come as close as You want...

i was driving home from work one night when i was still living in Birmingham well over a year ago, and this phrase just came to me...

don't hand your heart to someone who can't feel the weight of it.

i knew it had to be from the Lord, because i couldn't come up with it on my own.

as i was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, i heard it again, and it took on a whole new meaning. i'm in a different place now than i was before, and for the first time, i'm learning how to trust someone else with my heart.

i've always trusted the Lord with my heart. i'm fully known by Him. He knows everything about me and loves me perfectly despite my shortcomings. but when it comes to trusting others, i'm hesitant. maybe hesitant is an understatement... and maybe it's more like resistant.

yes. resistant.

i've spent the majority of my life guarding my heart, and i've always counted that as a good thing until now.

i don't want to be misunderstood... guarding our hearts is a good thing. our hearts are so valuable and do not need to be placed in the hands of ones who don't recognize their worth. i just think that while trying to protect myself, walls have been built that are difficult to tear down. insecurities that have built up over time make their way to the surface and lie to me.

but i do know that just within the last few months, the Lord has taken the insecurities i've given him and restored me. and i also know that He will continue restoring and healing me until i'm with Him.

and that someone who's come along that's worth giving my heart to... he's patient and realizes this is all a process.

our hearts are big. our hearts are sometimes heavy. our hearts can hurt. our hearts are to be prized. we need to know whoever we hand them to will be careful with them.

perfect love casts out all fear.

oh, that we could love like we are loved... to the end.

to the end.

come as close as You want

consume this heart that longs to burn

i know Your fire can hurt

but i would be worse here without You

for i was made to dwell with you

and how i ache until i do

Holy God take my heart

purge with flame and truth

a holy heart is all i want

that i may live with you

come and take all these chains

that get in the way of what You want

as i stand in the flame

still i will say i trust You God

-misty edwards

confession

i have a confession.

i gossiped at work yesterday and today.

i knew i was gossiping while i was gossiping… and i kept on gossiping. that’s my story that has gotten me in trouble in the past. i knew i was doing wrong while i was doing wrong… and i kept on doing wrong.

the difference between now and then is that now i’m learning to admit when i’m wrong and make it right. there comes a point where we have to take responsibility for our actions and stop blaming everyone else.

so… as i was sitting in the cafeteria with several co-workers talking about so-and-so and how she could possibly continue to act like she’s been acting, i was reminded that i’m no different. i let my flesh win some and make bad decisions.

one of the guys i was talking to asked me a little later what my tattoo on the back of my neck means, and i proceeded to tell him, “Yeshua.” i didn’t like how it felt saying His name and knowing i wasn’t doing a very good job portraying Him.

i really do want to honor Him. i am so glad His blood covers me.