1-800-BADMEDICINE

i haven't written much lately... except little tidbits every now and then in the journal that resides on my bedside table, and it's usually understood to be reserved for significant things (although the older i get i'm learning the little things are, in fact, the big things). so here's one big thing to me: i am officially going to be a student again as of may 30th!

so as i type (and answer phone calls, of course), i'm sitting in PBX at the hospital (also known as the 'operator' room) working some OT. i guess a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. other than hanging up on the occasional caller, sometimes on accident and sometimes on purpose, it's not too dreadful.

example:

me: operator.
psych patient: 1-800-badmedicine.
me: excuse me?
psych patient: 1-800-badMEDICINE.
me: do what?
psych patient: I SAID 1-800-BADMEDICINE!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: *CLICK*

i have a considerable amount of patience, but i don't deal very well with people screaming in my ear.

with that being said, i have more motivation than i've had in a long time. for the first time in quite awhile, i feel like i'm on to something.

it's about durn time.

find me where He is.

he reminded me of a remote island you see in the distance

the sky or ocean separating you from that heart-shaped place
something fruitful must reside there but it appears so desolate
side by side, but a thousand miles between


he spoke with words and a voice everyone wanted to hear
and not just hear but listen to, ingest, and remember
he must have been speaking from his head back to his heart
or maybe his declarations were just sounds to him with no meaning
high frequency waves so believable that he fooled himself

and then there's you, polar opposite

emotionally available and unafraid, non-resistant and aware

occupying the tender places with the perfect balance of silence and meaning

___________________________________________

but where is He in all of this?

without Him here with us, the good isn't even that good.

and it's certainly not worth anything.

and i'm worth something, and so are you.

i'm praying you search for Him and let Him find you.

then you can find me and the person you were always meant to be.

Jesus went to church on Sunday

sat in the back and sang the hymns

Jesus went to church on Sunday

but they didn't recognize him, and He said...

you can lay your burden down

you can lay your burden down

oh, maybe you've been kicked around

but you can lay your burden down

-trevor morgan

lost but Found

i share at least two qualities with taylor swift: i have her curly hair and i write honestly (minus the names). if you know me even just a little bit, you don't have to wonder long what's going on in my life if you read what i have to say. when speaking aloud my words get jumbled together, for sure, but on paper the truth comes out. and usually without the whole going around in circles thing.

from a few months ago...

well, this time i done some thinking

and i think i'm done with you

'cause until i get to leaving

it's just the same old me too

well, your mama's gonna cry her eyes

there ain't gonna be no wedding day

what's she gonna say?

when i tell her how i had no choice

the same old you couldn't even raise your voice

and ask me to stay

i wouldn't anyway

...to now

just like the fringe on my boots

you move with every step i take

you walk in front of me to make sure

that i don't fall and break my own heart

'cause with you i could never

just like the leather on my saddle

we get prettier with time

together in the weather

shiny on the other side

polished and changed for the better

with you i'm safe

i follow you just like a shadow

only closer

and if you get tied and bound

i'll find a way to free your hands

i'll wash them clean

of everything but me

sometimes you might get thirsty

so i'll catch the rain

just like the ice in your glass

i'll rattle when you need a drink

you'll never run dry of love or anything

you make me feel like i'm the only girl in the whole wide world

i wanna hold you like a handful of diamonds and pearls

that i guard with my life or die trying

i'll keep you safe

so there's my story in the words of miranda lambert. this time, i think her words do my story much more justice than mine could. i've lost but also found. and those lies, they continued to push and push and push me until i had nowhere else to go but away. sometimes it takes the bad to realize you've got something better. and the better makes you better too... feeling more special, more taken care of, more yourself, and more at home.

...everything is better with you.

this is perfection.

i've got to have this horse painting, somehow.

You make me happy when skies are gray.

One had Something and lacked everything else. Another has everything else but lacks this one thing--and this One thing is Everything.

it's sometimes hard to stay faithful to my first Love, but it's impossible to turn my back on Him. i will never know a love like Him.

You're in front of me here.

i think i've had writers block for a couple years now. i used to write pretty frequently and even felt myself leaning toward the creative/intuitive/insightful side (the idea of being totally right-brained brings with it a little spark somewhere inside me, but i analyze a person's words and search for logical explanations of things that can never make sense on this side of heaven too much for that).

but now it's like...

nothing.

well, let me back up. there's an array of feelings but no words to express them. and the worst part is feeling like i have so much to say...

...lessons learned, hurts being dealt with and my heart mended, trusting again.

we hear stories of life and people it's happened to and as much as we want to empathize, we never really can until it happens to us... until the hurt cuts us in a tender place and we experience it for ourselves. and we have all hurt at some point... and no experience can be measured by another because not one of them are the same.

my friend and i were talking last week at work, and she said she's loved writing most of her life. it's always been an outlet she's used to express herself. she also mentioned that during her last couple years of marriage, she rarely ever picked up a pen. she was hurt so much that she eventually forgot how to express her emotions and feel at all. months after her divorce and several counseling sessions later, the emotions started to return and fill her, and she was able to pick up her journal and write again.

life happens. the important thing is that we move on.

we have to move on.

i never want to speak of ideas that i've heard others speak on before just to sound good... i want to speak truth. i want my words to come from a real place i've been before. whether this place is Loneliness, Abandonment, or Dishonored, i want others to not feel so alone.

and even if i haven't been where they are, i want to tell them they're still not alone. we are never alone. the One who created us has walked where we've walked and is walking with us even now. He's cried, and He sees our tears.

we are never alone.

__________________________________________

ever had a 'yes' moment? an opportunity comes or a question is asked, and yes is muttered, or screamed out, before you've even had time to think twice and process what this 'yes' means?

Sunday i just couldn't help myself. i don't think i could have said no even with a good amount of effort involved. i said yes to trusting again and possibilities and something significantly out of the blue. i had my mind set, and my plans were shredded to pieces. i may be wrong this time like i have been before, but i refuse to wonder what would have happened if i had not taken a chance. that's the story of my life.

__________________________________________

99% of the time, i see the good in people. i see what they can become. i see that even though they have bad habits, they can have good intentions. i see their hearts and what's caused them to choose destruction over life. it's just me. it's so easy for me to love and be an open book to those who are broken. i understand broken people because i'm breakable too.

i just know Someone who can make it all better and put it all back together again.

__________________________________________

i really hope the words come back to me--not my own words but ones inspired by Him who breathed life into my being.

and i hope these words bring life to you.

i've got a tight grip on reality

but i can't let go of what's in front of me here

-paramore

life of an admitting clerk.

me: single, married, divorced, or widowed?
patient: single, never been married, good dog... looking for a woman with a boat.

...approximately two minutes later proceeding the awkward silence/light, pretend laughter...

patient: so do you have a boat... or a canoe for that matter?