this is perfection.

i've got to have this horse painting, somehow.

You make me happy when skies are gray.

One had Something and lacked everything else. Another has everything else but lacks this one thing--and this One thing is Everything.

it's sometimes hard to stay faithful to my first Love, but it's impossible to turn my back on Him. i will never know a love like Him.

You're in front of me here.

i think i've had writers block for a couple years now. i used to write pretty frequently and even felt myself leaning toward the creative/intuitive/insightful side (the idea of being totally right-brained brings with it a little spark somewhere inside me, but i analyze a person's words and search for logical explanations of things that can never make sense on this side of heaven too much for that).

but now it's like...

nothing.

well, let me back up. there's an array of feelings but no words to express them. and the worst part is feeling like i have so much to say...

...lessons learned, hurts being dealt with and my heart mended, trusting again.

we hear stories of life and people it's happened to and as much as we want to empathize, we never really can until it happens to us... until the hurt cuts us in a tender place and we experience it for ourselves. and we have all hurt at some point... and no experience can be measured by another because not one of them are the same.

my friend and i were talking last week at work, and she said she's loved writing most of her life. it's always been an outlet she's used to express herself. she also mentioned that during her last couple years of marriage, she rarely ever picked up a pen. she was hurt so much that she eventually forgot how to express her emotions and feel at all. months after her divorce and several counseling sessions later, the emotions started to return and fill her, and she was able to pick up her journal and write again.

life happens. the important thing is that we move on.

we have to move on.

i never want to speak of ideas that i've heard others speak on before just to sound good... i want to speak truth. i want my words to come from a real place i've been before. whether this place is Loneliness, Abandonment, or Dishonored, i want others to not feel so alone.

and even if i haven't been where they are, i want to tell them they're still not alone. we are never alone. the One who created us has walked where we've walked and is walking with us even now. He's cried, and He sees our tears.

we are never alone.

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ever had a 'yes' moment? an opportunity comes or a question is asked, and yes is muttered, or screamed out, before you've even had time to think twice and process what this 'yes' means?

Sunday i just couldn't help myself. i don't think i could have said no even with a good amount of effort involved. i said yes to trusting again and possibilities and something significantly out of the blue. i had my mind set, and my plans were shredded to pieces. i may be wrong this time like i have been before, but i refuse to wonder what would have happened if i had not taken a chance. that's the story of my life.

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99% of the time, i see the good in people. i see what they can become. i see that even though they have bad habits, they can have good intentions. i see their hearts and what's caused them to choose destruction over life. it's just me. it's so easy for me to love and be an open book to those who are broken. i understand broken people because i'm breakable too.

i just know Someone who can make it all better and put it all back together again.

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i really hope the words come back to me--not my own words but ones inspired by Him who breathed life into my being.

and i hope these words bring life to you.

i've got a tight grip on reality

but i can't let go of what's in front of me here

-paramore

life of an admitting clerk.

me: single, married, divorced, or widowed?
patient: single, never been married, good dog... looking for a woman with a boat.

...approximately two minutes later proceeding the awkward silence/light, pretend laughter...

patient: so do you have a boat... or a canoe for that matter?

the heart of the matter

sacrifice is always going to seem hard. of course it is. if it wasn't, it wouldn't be sacrifice. but the One we claim to love deserves it.

i just have to keep reminding myself that this world is not my home.

sometimes it feels like i'm watching from the outside

sometimes it feels like i'm breathing but am i alive

i won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

all i know is i'm not home yet

this is not where i belong

take this world and give me Jesus

this is not where i belong

so when the walls come falling down on me

and when i'm lost in the current of a raging sea

i have this blessed assurance holding me

-building 429

'take this world and give me Jesus'... it's so easy to say...or sing... or write. but being faced with making the choice between wrong and right is not always so easy. doing the right thing is hard and will cost us. we don't always know how making a true sacrifice feels until we have to give up something... or someone... or some place that means a lot to us.

the Lord has allowed me to go through struggles so my faith can be made stronger and i can become more aware of His love for me. my struggles, either there by my own will or His, have been turned around for my good. that's how He works. that's just His nature. He is so good to me.

i've told Him that i want to learn from my past mistakes---to take all He's taught me in the midst of my pain to heart. i don't want to keep compromising what i believe to please others or myself but live a life that brings Him glory.

i think these last few weeks He's been testing me. i could be wrong (it wouldn't be the first time), but i think He does that... tests us to see how faithful we're going to be to Him. i want him to know He can trust me. i've failed some lately, but He's also given me the grace and courage and boldness to stand up for what i believe some too. i can honestly say i've taken what i've been through and learned something from it. i have a long way to go on this journey, but i pray that i'll continue to learn and grow.

progression.

Kimberly has been kidding me about my backbone getting stronger and gettin' a little 'rough around the edges.' My nature has always been to avoid conflict, but because i never want to offend anyone or hurt feelings, i've also avoided speaking truth. this has not only been unfair to others but to me.

the last thing God wants for His children is to be taken advantage of. i believe we should always speak the truth... ALWAYS in love.

i just want to be a living sacrifice. i say it and mean it now, even though i know i won't always feel like it later. God sent the ultimate sacrifice for us--His son. Sacrificing can only make us more like Him.

give me Jesus.

whatever You have to do Lord to make me see, do it in me.

sweet dreams

i had a dream tuesday night, and it ended up happening on wednesday. you can call it whatever you'd like, but i think God likes giving us dreams sometimes for different reasons. i believe this one was meant to prepare me.

what would have normally been hard for me was a lot easier because He had already prepared my heart. i can't even begin to explain how He works or even how the dream prepared me, but i don't have to understand. i just know He flooded me with the peace and love and forgiveness that can only come from Him.

i can do all things with Him on my side. :)

Christmas and Jaynie B

my first experience at the Talley household during Christmas was a success. i even got a present (only because i put reindeer ears on)... a dirty Santa gift (aka an alabama/LSU national championship shirt) that we ended up giving to Josh. he loved it.

ohhh, Say. she was so proud of her onesie.

i miss the days when Cam called me his girlfriend. :)

A, B, and C! looove them!

i'm sure Mommio had just finished saying 'RTR' or something along those lines. she always feels the need to say it before a picture... or before anything really.

Kimberly and her little angel... JAYNIE B!

she's stolen my heart... and she loves me back... she just doesn't know it yet. :)

i'm going back in two weeks for her to lay on me just like this again.