above all else

this week's been full of ups and downs, and if i'm honest, more downs than ups. but today... it's been good.

and even though i'm sure i'll go back and forth in my mind a thousand times after i type this, i've decided something while staring at this computer of mine tonight. i don't ever want to take the easy way out.

i mean... obviously, my flesh will 'want' to... our pride always tells us we should.

go with the flow.

break some hearts but never get yours broke.

cut and run.

no strings attached.

anger is better than tears.

but why can't we just be real with ourselves and with the people around us? whatever happened to honesty... putting everything on the line no matter what the cost? i'm aware the truth can hurt, but it sure as heck beats a lie. we can talk about honesty and how great it is till Jesus comes, but if we don't actually live it, the talk is worth nothing.

i've done enough pretending in my lifetime.. even in the name of good intention. i'm not settling anymore.

you know the great thing about my relationship with God? when i'm with Him, i become more of who i was created to be. more myself.

His secret purpose framed from the very beginning [is] to bring us to our full glory.

I Corinthians 2:7 NEB

in her book, one thousand gifts, Ann Voskamp phrases it like this: 'He means to rename us---to return us to our true names, our truest selves. He means to heal our soul holes. from the very beginning, that Eden beginning, that has always been and always is, to this day, His secret purpose---our return to our full glory. Appalling---that He would! us, unworthy. and yet since we took a bite out of the fruit and tore into our own souls, that drain hole where joy seeps away, God's had this wild secretive plan. He means to fill us with glory again. with glory and grace.'

His pursuit of me has never been more real to me than now. He's given me dreams and words from others and thoughts and peace. what the enemy means for evil, He turns around for good. the enemy has this way of twisting the truth just enough to use it to his advantage. but God is fighting for us---for me. and He wins every single time.

obedience is hard... especially when we leave behind places and people we've loved for so long. but He gives us the grace to obey. we could never do it on our own. me, especially.

it's all about Jesus.

above all else... Jesus.

the best is yet to come.

tonight, i'm thankful for...

family. old friends and new ones. the grace to forgive. second, third, and ninety-fifth chances. the love of God driving us to repentance. feeling like myself again. dreams. laughter through the tears. encouraging words. the body of Christ. my guardian angels. honesty. His never-ending pursuit of me. music. yoohoo's. hard times and all i've learned from them. my mentors. understanding. opportunities to see and tell what the Lord has done. country roads. acceptance. hearing and knowing His voice...

i could go on and on.

Jesus loves me. He sought me out and shed His blood for me. I am forever His!

this life is good, but the best is yet to come.

thank You, Jesus.

27

welp, i'm one year older, and what a year it's been!

the flowers above are from my best friend, Kimberly. she sent them to me at work, and along with the the confetti and balloons, my desk was so colorful and fun!

one of my co-workers asked me if i turned 15 today. i don't know if she was just trying to be funny or give me a compliment, but either way, i'll take it.

this year i've met some of the greatest people in the world. i've become more grateful for the ones who have loved me from the beginning and who love me the most. i've fallen in love. i've had my heart broken. i've learned more about what real love is and what it's not. i've felt the joy... and the pain... of sacrifice... even though very few of us can even wrap our minds around true sacrifice. Lord, help us understand the concept of giving of ourselves to others and not expecting anything in return. i've seen darkness, but i've also experienced the Light. i've tasted the goodness of God. i've come to hate even more the wickedness of man. i've come to value the Truth more than i did before. i've become more aware of my sin nature and how it can affect others. i've laughed and cried a lot. i've heard His still, small voice more times than i can count... even when i chose to ignore Him for a little while. thank you, Jesus, for making Yourself known to me and for being so faithful even when i'm not. i've come to grips with the complexity of God and how He works in ways we'll only understand in heaven. i've also come to appreciate the simple things. most importantly, i've come to know Jesus a little more... in ways i never imagined.

Hope in the lonely nights

i’m after Your heart
i’m having a new day start
turning the page and running after You
i’m out of my head
living a life among the dead
risking it all and running after You

it’s all to know You more

it’s all to know You more

Beautiful

Wonderful

hope in the lonely nights
Beautiful

Wonderful
You have turned on the lights
i’m taking my sword, taking my shield

i’m coming out to fight
Beautiful

Wonderful
Love never felt so right

i’m ready to kneel
Your love is chasing down my will
laying it down and running after You
i'm walking in faith
living it out each day
taking a chance and running after You

-josh baldwin

i want a love that only you can give

filling me with peace and fire in my soul

pursuing me and never letting me go

i want stories that only you can write

pages of purity and vulnerability and sacrifice

no standing in the shadows but in the light

i want to know and be fully known

comfortable but not complacent and at rest

experiencing the fullness of His life with you

in the pain there is healing.

i recently came to realize something about someone, and it made me sick. it literally made me sick. the details--who, or what, or why--don't even matter anymore. it's just the point that counts. when someone we think we know and have high expectations of disappoints us, it's devastating. in some cases trust can be built again (which is my preferred choice), but there are other times we just have to forgive and let go. the hard part is deciding if we're going to keep holding on and doing what we feel like doing or follow hard after God... even if He is telling us something we may not like hearing.

He may tell us to do something that scares us to death, and He may tell us to do something that hurts way more than we think it should.

...but in the pain there is healing.

while i was talking to God about it all, He turned it back to me. i think He likes doing that most of the time. i was focusing on what this person did, and the Holy Spirit gently reminded me of this flesh i still wear around too. we're all the same... we're sinners... and we're going to get it wrong some days. my job here is to love and seek God so I can hear Him and do what He says... and love people.

love people when they do right. and love people when they do wrong. God knows i need to be loved when i get it wrong. but it's so hard to love no matter what sometimes.

you know, we may give everything we have to give to someone, and it still may not be enough. that's the hard part. we can't fix anyone, only God can. and I pray i allow Him to change me from who i am now to who He wants me to be. i need to be fixed more than anyone.

if we pray, He'll guide us. He has to come through for us... He promised He would and He always does.

...but God looks at the heart.

grace is something you can never get but can only be given. there's no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about anymore than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks... a good night's sleep is grace and so are good dreams. most tears are grace. the smell of rain is grace. somebody loving you is grace.
frederick buechner

i've been focusing too much on the bad lately and not enough on the good. i think this rings true for most of us. we get caught up in the confusion of everyday life and lose sight of the One who holds the world in His palm. i've discovered when i make Jesus the center of my day, it all turns out better. i have a better attitude and can actually minister to someone else. when i learn to be grateful for the gifts God has given me, the greatest being Jesus Himself, my perspective on everything changes for the good. and we all need a little perspective.

i haven't always made the best decisions. i've held hurt and bitterness in my heart for some time before letting it go, and i've been known to isolate myself. we all have our own ways of dealing with hurt and none of them are good. the only right way is God's way, and He's slowly but surely teaching me. it's not the teaching that's slow... it's the learning. but maybe that's how He intended it to be all along. the longer the process is for me, the harder it will be for me to forget.

the deeper the cut, the sweeter the healing.

i got a text a little over a month ago from Peggy Joy. i knew her in auburn and she was always so faithful to pray for me. it said... "Hey Emily, remembering you and the word of promise from the LORD to heal you...don't lose hope of God's word to your brother for it will come to pass. He is trustworthy. I love you little sister..."

i don't think encouragement like that is ever by accident or coincidence, and it came at just the right time. i believe my body will one day be whole, but right now He's working on my heart.

i was once a pre-med student...

three stupid things i've done in the past week:

1. stole a "Just Busted" paper from the Texaco. it was only a buck, but i could have sworn those things were free. they should be, anyway. i mean... for our own protection and all! they were just laying there on the counter up for grabs, and after paying for my drinks, i grabbed one. i did realize a few minutes later (with the help of Seth and the big $1 circled on the front of the paper) that they were not free to the public. (and if you're curious, i did go back and pay her the dollar. she just laughed.)

2. showed up to work with my shirt on backwards. i knew it felt kind of funny, but it wasn't until i looked down and saw the tag below my chin that it hit me. good thing i realized it early on so many people didn't notice.

3. i was planning on typing the third stupid thing out too, but then i realized it probably wouldn't even make sense or be half as funny as it was to me at the time, so i'll just leave it at this... despite popular belief, i'm really not a dumb blonde most of the time. it just comes in spurts.

:)