in the silence

here's something i wrote in january of last year. a year brings about change, but in some aspects, things seem just the same as before. i've been asking the Lord to make me new, and in reality, He already has. the old man is gone, and the new man has come. i just need to remember that and live like a new creation..

______________________________

I've been in this place for awhile it seems.

'Stuck between a rock and a hard place,' some might say.

I look around me through the light of Your eyes, and in the distance this is what I see...

...a young girl dancing to the most graceful and free tune playing softly in the background. Her movements appear as a feather dancing in the wind. I'm not even sure she is aware of the music playing. Even if the silence surrounded her...she would be dancing anyway... with the same dance as before. With one foot directed by the step of the other... she is lighting up the entire room.

in the silence, You are speaking

in the quiet, I can feel the fire

and it's burning, burning deeply

burning oils that You desire

to be silent

-jason upton

...the most brilliant oak tree standing tall in the middle of autumn. It's surely not the biggest or tallest among its kind, but its radiant colors shine with the sun. The leaves will soon make their way to the ground, but only so the new can come. while beauty is withheld, a change is taking place that can only happen in time... just as in the girl who is sitting under its shade. In the days to come, she will climb to the top and swing from its branches, and it will occur to her that she holds a beauty that runs much deeper than the roots of this tree. The Beauty within her runs through her veins to her very soul... penetrating through to her spirit.

...a faith so strong, that even in the silence, it is not shaken. This faith is so certain of what it hopes in that the silence is not a threat but rather a promise. Even in the quiet, this faith knows that plans are being spoken and drawn out and shaded in by the greatest artist in all of the land. Some areas of the painting are colored lightly while others are sketched with a slightly more forceful stroke, but the entirety of this piece of art is perfect. This faith knows firsthand of that perfection...

...a feeble woman of age with a heart that far outweighs the strength of her bones. At times, her mind may try to convince her of her weakness, but because of the change inside of her so many years before, her spirit is crying for her to press on. She follows this deep yearning for more, and her strength is replaced by the arms of One greater. For the length of her days, she has given more than received, blessed more than taken, and poured in more than soaked up. I'm sure some of the same words have passed through her thoughts a time or two...

to You I give my life

not just the parts I want to

to You I sacrifice

these dreams that I hold onto

to You I give the gifts

Your love has given me

How can I pour the treasure

that You designed for free?

to You I give my future

as long as it may last

to You I give my present

to You I give my past

Your thoughts are higher than mine

Your words are deeper than mine

Your love is stronger than mine

this is no sacrifice

here's my life

-jason upton

...and I realize who I am and who I want to become are two different people. Who I am is slowly being changed, even in the silence, in hopes of someone greater. While the silence is uncomfortable at first, it will become a moment of grace in time, and I will look back to the silence as a time of hearing You more clearly than ever before.

______________________________

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

II Corinthans 5: 16-21

make me new.

i think sometimes we have to go somewhere new to gain perspective, and i think sometimes we have to check out the options before we realize the options are endless. i'm also beginning to think, for most of us, hitting rock bottom is what it takes to make us reach up again.

i don't feel numb, but maybe i am numb and don't feel at all. my mind floods with doubt and would be ashamed if it wasn't numb. as of late, i feel like i'm going through the motions and hardly remember them at all. i'm not sure if it's my subconscious stepping in to protect me by blocking my memories or if i'm choosing not to remember. either way, it's hurting more than helping. i need to be reminded and washed and and delivered.

i know this, but where do i start? where do i begin again?

i want to be as expectant and eager as i was a few years ago when i wrote this...

the flowers are in bloom now, and although i have felt a little pressed down, i know my soul is alive.

just as the Lord paints the world around me.. the sunsets, the grass with the daffodils scattered about, and the pretty paint ponies i see before turning on my street.. He paints my heart with the very intention of showing off His beauty.

i'm joyful because He's made me to be.

He's colored my heart.. my being.. and i can't help but let all of the colors run together and drip along the sidewalk as i chase after Him. i want them to see Him. He's the best artist in all of the land, and He makes beautiful things out of nothing. we may not be nothing, but we are little things, seemingly insignificant little things, and He makes us colorful and spectacular and beautiful.

i want my colors to run wild and paint a picture for the world to see.

a picture of love.

a picture of Jesus in me.