what a week.

and it's not even over.

highlight of my week so far: standing in line to pay for a bottle of water [after accidentally walking out of the cafeteria and stealing it five minutes before] and a young gentleman in front of me paying for it instead.

not so bright part of my week so far: feeling like i was transported back to high school Monday morning and not being able to return to the present since. my dermatologist decided to put me on Accutane starting next month, and yes, a pregnancy test was included. while most of my friends went through this joyous phase in high school, i'm just now catching up. so... if you see me and notice my chapped lips, bleeding nose, and mood swings, you can just blame it on the medicine.

oh, and in case you were anxiously awaiting the results from my pregnancy test, i'm NOT pregnant.

off to bed. dentist tomorrow. yippee skippee.

I will be here still.

maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
and so you fight to keep from pouring out
but what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul?
do you think that there's enough that you would drown?

if no one will listen if you decide to speak
if no one's left standing after the bombs explode
if no one wants to look at you for what you really are
i will be here still

no one can tell you where you alone must go
there's no telling what you will find there
and, God, i know the fear that eats away at your bones
screaming every step, "just stay here"

if you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
if your legs have given out under the weight
if you find you've been settling for a world of gray
so you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

if no one will listen if you decide to speak
if no one's left standing after the bombs explode
if no one wants to look at you for what you really are
i will be here still
-kelly clarkson

...but you, Love, found me.

i lost my love but you, Love, found me

your name is on my lips as i'm dreaming

your eyes pierce through my heart when i'm breathing

your song is resonating in my head as it sits here waiting

should the rhythm be fast or slow?

it could collide with the pounding of my heart

or move as the goodness of who you are

major or a minor key?

the melody can be a simple tune

while the harmony exemplifies everything you do

what words could do you justice?

as you speak through me i'll write to you

and the lyrics will be the truth you already knew

the memories are slowly fading

as your love is overtaking who i used to be

my thoughts you're slowly changing

and i believe all you say to me

i've found myself because you, Love, found me

Written: July 2008

but the greatest of these is Love.

i should be doing a million other things... but instead i’m sitting down to write again. so many experiences...thoughts...messages...ideas seem to always circulate through my mind.. but when i sit down to type them out.. they vanish... and the only word i can conjure up is such a simple one. i write so much about it, and i think it’s because it’s the only solidity in my life... really, in the entire world.. that matters.

love.

it’s amazing how many ideas people have on this one word.. and sorry to say.. but most people have it completely wrong.. including me. most of the time. but every once in awhile, the Lord reminds me of what it truly means to love.. and i finally gain perspective again. the words, inspired by Love Himself, penetrate my shallow..hollow..soulful heart... slowly healing what was broken. it doesn’t happen in a moment but over time. the more i meditate on these words, the more i am taught. the more i learn about Him.. the more i realize how far i have left to go.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13

this is it. this is love.. and yet, it’s sometimes so hard to grasp.

we want love to be this really good feeling that we get deep inside of us. we want love to be proved to us.

thankfully, real love was proved on the cross. this love is unconditional, and no matter what has fallen through.. it believes all things.. hopes all things.. endures all things.

i long to love like Christ loves. when i forgive someone, i want His love to flow through me and cover the past. i don’t want to expect pay back, and i don’t want them to feel what i’ve felt. the love i want keeps no record of wrongs.

i’m not settling for anything less than this love. His Love.

Written: April 2008

i love snow [and snow cream].

i've been saying for the past week that i want snow cream. it looks like i'm going to get my wish after all. mom has two big bowls in our front yard now collecting snow to make some.

after explaining this to ET...

ET: how do you make it?

me: there are several different ways... milk, sugar, a little vanilla. some use condensed milk.

ET: i'll google it.

ET: how many cups are in a gallon?

me: 16... thanks to the converter on my computer here.

ET: wow... that's a lot. brb... i'm going to get some snow.

[no longer than 3 minutes later...]

ET: i did it! it's good.

me: that was fast!

ET: yeah... i scraped my snow off of a bush.

ohhh, ET.

Love as it was meant to be...

i’m finally letting go...

letting go of love the way i perceived it to be

and embracing love as it was meant to be.

it’s funny how someone can say only a few words to show that what they’ve been saying all along is a lie... a lie that maybe even they believe to be true.

they aren’t to blame. besides... all of us are just searching for love. we don’t want any of the replacements that satisfy for just a while... we want the true love that our hearts can barely breathe without...

i’ve learned a little more about love in the past couple of days...

love listens

love also talks back

love sets us free

love makes us feel worthy

love is satisfying

love is letting go so no more damage is done

love doesn’t grow complacent

love always finds its way in the end

love heals, and then it starts over again...

Written: January 2008

Love is living inside of me.

you are my bulwark in this land, protecting me as they come at me.
i search for the mot juste to describe you.. all of you or even just a part of you.. and it doesn't come. i wish it would.

i want to fill my curio cabinet with all that is unusual about you... just unable to wrap my arms around it all.
the words you speak edify me daily. i pray your illumination will enlighten the others who surround me.
i have grown dim. my light does not shine as bright as it did before. light me again and radiate in and through me.

you cushion my falls.

you are my sustenance and help me stand...

stronger than before.

again and again.

By your favor, O LORD, you made my mountain stand strong;

you hid your face, I was dismayed.

Psalm 30:7

your distance from me has made you even more glorious. maybe this season will be ending soon, and maybe not.
the grace you show me continuously dwells in my heart, welling up in me at times as a reminder of perfection.

thank you for being perfect so i don't have to be.

you are love in its purest form... just living inside of me.

show me your face again.

let me memorize your expressions and the lines on your skin.

with a strong hand and an outstretched arm,

for his steadfast love endures forever..

Psalm 136:12

your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens,

your faithfulness to the clouds.

Psalm 36:5

you whisper your thoughts through my dreams at night. impart...intrust...utter more of yourself to me, please.
i dreamed of being separated from you, and upon awaking, i realized you were still here. thank you.
uphold me so you can better trust me. maintain me so you may choose to use me. fix my eyes on heaven.. on you.
turn my suffering into gladness and my shame into praise.
submerge me in your goodness, not letting me come up for even a breath. you're the only air i need.
as the day begins and draws to an end, let me be aware of you and what you're doing in this realm and in the other.
give me insight..revelation..but really, just more of you.

But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may

also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed,

because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.

I Peter 4:13-14

Written: December 2008

the right time for Love is now.

it's 3:41am and i'm wide awake. it's a good thing i've coined today as "Get-out-of-bed-whenever-i-want-to-and-stay-in-my-pajamas-all-day Day."

it seems like i haven't really written in ages. though the excuse of not having enough time to write just isn't sufficient (considering i only work 3 days out of the week and haven't had to study 'til an unGodly hour in way too long), the words just haven't come--and i don't have the smarts to create them on my own. if you are guessing the previous statement about studying might have a hint of sarcasm in it, you are 99%... (ok, maybe 95%)...*drum roll*... WRONG.

i, in fact, miss school. i miss learning.

so, i'm going back this summer. i have two classes left to take before i can apply to OT school! Gadsden State offers one of them online, and i'm hoping JSU offers the other one. i have to say, it feels extremely good to have a plan.

...and now i'm well aware my plan could disintegrate before my very eyes, and i'm okay with it. i think that's part of the reason i've gone through this period of feeling like i don't know anything and wondering where this road is going to lead. i needed to know in my heart that when my plans fail, His will still be carried out. realizing that i don't want to go to medical school has freed me. all of those times i asked Him why the process couldn't be a little easier have lead me here. now i'm able to look at my own story and see how He's bringing beauty from the ashes.

i've been reading some of what i've written in the past few years, and it's safe to say the recurring theme is love. since it is February (i'm usually not a fan of the whole 'love month'/Valentine's idea), i thought i'd post some excerpts throughout the month.

i, being my own worst critic, always think someone else can say it better. let's face it--someone can always say it better. my words are mediocre and don't seem to have the effect i want them to, but insecurity isn't a valid reason to say nothing at all. so, here are some of my old words. i'm praying He gives me the heart i had back then.

and just for the record, you may have to remind me about my previous 'i miss school' statement once classes are back in full force. i knew i'd regret those words as i was typing them.