the heart of the matter

sacrifice is always going to seem hard. of course it is. if it wasn't, it wouldn't be sacrifice. but the One we claim to love deserves it.

i just have to keep reminding myself that this world is not my home.

sometimes it feels like i'm watching from the outside

sometimes it feels like i'm breathing but am i alive

i won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

all i know is i'm not home yet

this is not where i belong

take this world and give me Jesus

this is not where i belong

so when the walls come falling down on me

and when i'm lost in the current of a raging sea

i have this blessed assurance holding me

-building 429

'take this world and give me Jesus'... it's so easy to say...or sing... or write. but being faced with making the choice between wrong and right is not always so easy. doing the right thing is hard and will cost us. we don't always know how making a true sacrifice feels until we have to give up something... or someone... or some place that means a lot to us.

the Lord has allowed me to go through struggles so my faith can be made stronger and i can become more aware of His love for me. my struggles, either there by my own will or His, have been turned around for my good. that's how He works. that's just His nature. He is so good to me.

i've told Him that i want to learn from my past mistakes---to take all He's taught me in the midst of my pain to heart. i don't want to keep compromising what i believe to please others or myself but live a life that brings Him glory.

i think these last few weeks He's been testing me. i could be wrong (it wouldn't be the first time), but i think He does that... tests us to see how faithful we're going to be to Him. i want him to know He can trust me. i've failed some lately, but He's also given me the grace and courage and boldness to stand up for what i believe some too. i can honestly say i've taken what i've been through and learned something from it. i have a long way to go on this journey, but i pray that i'll continue to learn and grow.

progression.

Kimberly has been kidding me about my backbone getting stronger and gettin' a little 'rough around the edges.' My nature has always been to avoid conflict, but because i never want to offend anyone or hurt feelings, i've also avoided speaking truth. this has not only been unfair to others but to me.

the last thing God wants for His children is to be taken advantage of. i believe we should always speak the truth... ALWAYS in love.

i just want to be a living sacrifice. i say it and mean it now, even though i know i won't always feel like it later. God sent the ultimate sacrifice for us--His son. Sacrificing can only make us more like Him.

give me Jesus.

whatever You have to do Lord to make me see, do it in me.

sweet dreams

i had a dream tuesday night, and it ended up happening on wednesday. you can call it whatever you'd like, but i think God likes giving us dreams sometimes for different reasons. i believe this one was meant to prepare me.

what would have normally been hard for me was a lot easier because He had already prepared my heart. i can't even begin to explain how He works or even how the dream prepared me, but i don't have to understand. i just know He flooded me with the peace and love and forgiveness that can only come from Him.

i can do all things with Him on my side. :)

Christmas and Jaynie B

my first experience at the Talley household during Christmas was a success. i even got a present (only because i put reindeer ears on)... a dirty Santa gift (aka an alabama/LSU national championship shirt) that we ended up giving to Josh. he loved it.

ohhh, Say. she was so proud of her onesie.

i miss the days when Cam called me his girlfriend. :)

A, B, and C! looove them!

i'm sure Mommio had just finished saying 'RTR' or something along those lines. she always feels the need to say it before a picture... or before anything really.

Kimberly and her little angel... JAYNIE B!

she's stolen my heart... and she loves me back... she just doesn't know it yet. :)

i'm going back in two weeks for her to lay on me just like this again.

follow peace.

on christmas morning of last year, i woke up, looked at the snow falling outside, and knew this year would be significant somehow.

and i was right.

every day is significant, i know. but i think i've learned more this year than in the 26 others put together.

....and if i was asked to sum up all i've learned, my bit of advice would be two words: follow peace....

when we choose our own way, times will be hard, but we'll sure learn a lot. we'll learn the hard way and we'll never, ever forget it.

more than anything, i've learned more of what love looks like. it's sacrifice. it's truth. it's putting your needs above his own.

Love is a man named Jesus.

if anyone speaks in the name of love but doesn't display any characteristics of Love Himself, don't buy it 'cause it won't last. this world's version of love is cheap and temporary, and true love is unconditional and eternal.

so tonight, i'm thankful for all the ones in my life who are real... and who have shown me so much love i can hardly stand it.

and i'm thankful for the One who gives Christmas its name and who has made me as pure as snow over and over... again and again.

Truth stands.

i love my job.

if i was committed enough to write a book about the adventures of an admitting clerk at GRMC, i would in a second.

there's that story of the man who loves me almost as much as he loves his miniature horses and gave me his picture in a frame to put in my cubicle. i actually put it up for awhile until patients starting looking at me a little strange. their faces said it all. they were contemplating it in their heads... hoping he was my grandfather but secretly wondering if he was something a little less cute.

then there's a regular of ours who's brought me a box of chocolates (RUSSELL STOVER, too) both times February 14th has rolled around and on my birthday. the very last time he came in, he was accompanied by his wife, and he didn't talk quite so much. my smile towards her was a little brighter than my norm.

and then there's 'ole ____ _________. i wish i could type his name because it's oddly hilarious to me. if i wouldn't get fired for violating HIPAA or possibly ruin his shining star name in the community, i might just do it. i had just been working at GRMC a few weeks when he made his first appearance. being the overly-friendly front desk clerk that i was, i immediately started laughing and joking around with him as if he was my grandpa (he was early 70's). by the time it was all over, he had given me his life story (including his three previous marriages), the run-down on his family, and asked me for my number. this is the most embarrassing part of it all...

confession: i GAVE it to him.

i've known i should really get better at lying for times like this one, but i just couldn't come up with another number fast enough. and i was so stunned that the thought of saying, "no... i'd rather not give you my number..." did not even cross my mind. so... ____ _________ called my cell phone a good four times, leaving a message for me to call him back every time.

i think i'll take a bow, and i hope whoever is reading this is applauding me for my honesty/transparency right now. props to me. my co-workers told me the whole 'friendliness' thing would wear off in a few months, and i have to commend them for being right. while i try to be cordial and God-like, i'm more realistic than i used to be and my skin is just a wee bit tougher.

today's patient was the kicker. in my near two years of being an admitting clerk at GRMC, i have never been at a loss of words when describing my experiences, so i'm not even going to attempt it. just know that Monday when he's scheduled to come back in, there's a high possibility i might just call in sick.

:)

above all else

this week's been full of ups and downs, and if i'm honest, more downs than ups. but today... it's been good.

and even though i'm sure i'll go back and forth in my mind a thousand times after i type this, i've decided something while staring at this computer of mine tonight. i don't ever want to take the easy way out.

i mean... obviously, my flesh will 'want' to... our pride always tells us we should.

go with the flow.

break some hearts but never get yours broke.

cut and run.

no strings attached.

anger is better than tears.

but why can't we just be real with ourselves and with the people around us? whatever happened to honesty... putting everything on the line no matter what the cost? i'm aware the truth can hurt, but it sure as heck beats a lie. we can talk about honesty and how great it is till Jesus comes, but if we don't actually live it, the talk is worth nothing.

i've done enough pretending in my lifetime.. even in the name of good intention. i'm not settling anymore.

you know the great thing about my relationship with God? when i'm with Him, i become more of who i was created to be. more myself.

His secret purpose framed from the very beginning [is] to bring us to our full glory.

I Corinthians 2:7 NEB

in her book, one thousand gifts, Ann Voskamp phrases it like this: 'He means to rename us---to return us to our true names, our truest selves. He means to heal our soul holes. from the very beginning, that Eden beginning, that has always been and always is, to this day, His secret purpose---our return to our full glory. Appalling---that He would! us, unworthy. and yet since we took a bite out of the fruit and tore into our own souls, that drain hole where joy seeps away, God's had this wild secretive plan. He means to fill us with glory again. with glory and grace.'

His pursuit of me has never been more real to me than now. He's given me dreams and words from others and thoughts and peace. what the enemy means for evil, He turns around for good. the enemy has this way of twisting the truth just enough to use it to his advantage. but God is fighting for us---for me. and He wins every single time.

obedience is hard... especially when we leave behind places and people we've loved for so long. but He gives us the grace to obey. we could never do it on our own. me, especially.

it's all about Jesus.

above all else... Jesus.