follow peace.

on christmas morning of last year, i woke up, looked at the snow falling outside, and knew this year would be significant somehow.

and i was right.

every day is significant, i know. but i think i've learned more this year than in the 26 others put together.

....and if i was asked to sum up all i've learned, my bit of advice would be two words: follow peace....

when we choose our own way, times will be hard, but we'll sure learn a lot. we'll learn the hard way and we'll never, ever forget it.

more than anything, i've learned more of what love looks like. it's sacrifice. it's truth. it's putting your needs above his own.

Love is a man named Jesus.

if anyone speaks in the name of love but doesn't display any characteristics of Love Himself, don't buy it 'cause it won't last. this world's version of love is cheap and temporary, and true love is unconditional and eternal.

so tonight, i'm thankful for all the ones in my life who are real... and who have shown me so much love i can hardly stand it.

and i'm thankful for the One who gives Christmas its name and who has made me as pure as snow over and over... again and again.

Truth stands.

i love my job.

if i was committed enough to write a book about the adventures of an admitting clerk at GRMC, i would in a second.

there's that story of the man who loves me almost as much as he loves his miniature horses and gave me his picture in a frame to put in my cubicle. i actually put it up for awhile until patients starting looking at me a little strange. their faces said it all. they were contemplating it in their heads... hoping he was my grandfather but secretly wondering if he was something a little less cute.

then there's a regular of ours who's brought me a box of chocolates (RUSSELL STOVER, too) both times February 14th has rolled around and on my birthday. the very last time he came in, he was accompanied by his wife, and he didn't talk quite so much. my smile towards her was a little brighter than my norm.

and then there's 'ole ____ _________. i wish i could type his name because it's oddly hilarious to me. if i wouldn't get fired for violating HIPAA or possibly ruin his shining star name in the community, i might just do it. i had just been working at GRMC a few weeks when he made his first appearance. being the overly-friendly front desk clerk that i was, i immediately started laughing and joking around with him as if he was my grandpa (he was early 70's). by the time it was all over, he had given me his life story (including his three previous marriages), the run-down on his family, and asked me for my number. this is the most embarrassing part of it all...

confession: i GAVE it to him.

i've known i should really get better at lying for times like this one, but i just couldn't come up with another number fast enough. and i was so stunned that the thought of saying, "no... i'd rather not give you my number..." did not even cross my mind. so... ____ _________ called my cell phone a good four times, leaving a message for me to call him back every time.

i think i'll take a bow, and i hope whoever is reading this is applauding me for my honesty/transparency right now. props to me. my co-workers told me the whole 'friendliness' thing would wear off in a few months, and i have to commend them for being right. while i try to be cordial and God-like, i'm more realistic than i used to be and my skin is just a wee bit tougher.

today's patient was the kicker. in my near two years of being an admitting clerk at GRMC, i have never been at a loss of words when describing my experiences, so i'm not even going to attempt it. just know that Monday when he's scheduled to come back in, there's a high possibility i might just call in sick.

:)

above all else

this week's been full of ups and downs, and if i'm honest, more downs than ups. but today... it's been good.

and even though i'm sure i'll go back and forth in my mind a thousand times after i type this, i've decided something while staring at this computer of mine tonight. i don't ever want to take the easy way out.

i mean... obviously, my flesh will 'want' to... our pride always tells us we should.

go with the flow.

break some hearts but never get yours broke.

cut and run.

no strings attached.

anger is better than tears.

but why can't we just be real with ourselves and with the people around us? whatever happened to honesty... putting everything on the line no matter what the cost? i'm aware the truth can hurt, but it sure as heck beats a lie. we can talk about honesty and how great it is till Jesus comes, but if we don't actually live it, the talk is worth nothing.

i've done enough pretending in my lifetime.. even in the name of good intention. i'm not settling anymore.

you know the great thing about my relationship with God? when i'm with Him, i become more of who i was created to be. more myself.

His secret purpose framed from the very beginning [is] to bring us to our full glory.

I Corinthians 2:7 NEB

in her book, one thousand gifts, Ann Voskamp phrases it like this: 'He means to rename us---to return us to our true names, our truest selves. He means to heal our soul holes. from the very beginning, that Eden beginning, that has always been and always is, to this day, His secret purpose---our return to our full glory. Appalling---that He would! us, unworthy. and yet since we took a bite out of the fruit and tore into our own souls, that drain hole where joy seeps away, God's had this wild secretive plan. He means to fill us with glory again. with glory and grace.'

His pursuit of me has never been more real to me than now. He's given me dreams and words from others and thoughts and peace. what the enemy means for evil, He turns around for good. the enemy has this way of twisting the truth just enough to use it to his advantage. but God is fighting for us---for me. and He wins every single time.

obedience is hard... especially when we leave behind places and people we've loved for so long. but He gives us the grace to obey. we could never do it on our own. me, especially.

it's all about Jesus.

above all else... Jesus.

the best is yet to come.

tonight, i'm thankful for...

family. old friends and new ones. the grace to forgive. second, third, and ninety-fifth chances. the love of God driving us to repentance. feeling like myself again. dreams. laughter through the tears. encouraging words. the body of Christ. my guardian angels. honesty. His never-ending pursuit of me. music. yoohoo's. hard times and all i've learned from them. my mentors. understanding. opportunities to see and tell what the Lord has done. country roads. acceptance. hearing and knowing His voice...

i could go on and on.

Jesus loves me. He sought me out and shed His blood for me. I am forever His!

this life is good, but the best is yet to come.

thank You, Jesus.

27

welp, i'm one year older, and what a year it's been!

the flowers above are from my best friend, Kimberly. she sent them to me at work, and along with the the confetti and balloons, my desk was so colorful and fun!

one of my co-workers asked me if i turned 15 today. i don't know if she was just trying to be funny or give me a compliment, but either way, i'll take it.

this year i've met some of the greatest people in the world. i've become more grateful for the ones who have loved me from the beginning and who love me the most. i've fallen in love. i've had my heart broken. i've learned more about what real love is and what it's not. i've felt the joy... and the pain... of sacrifice... even though very few of us can even wrap our minds around true sacrifice. Lord, help us understand the concept of giving of ourselves to others and not expecting anything in return. i've seen darkness, but i've also experienced the Light. i've tasted the goodness of God. i've come to hate even more the wickedness of man. i've come to value the Truth more than i did before. i've become more aware of my sin nature and how it can affect others. i've laughed and cried a lot. i've heard His still, small voice more times than i can count... even when i chose to ignore Him for a little while. thank you, Jesus, for making Yourself known to me and for being so faithful even when i'm not. i've come to grips with the complexity of God and how He works in ways we'll only understand in heaven. i've also come to appreciate the simple things. most importantly, i've come to know Jesus a little more... in ways i never imagined.

Hope in the lonely nights

i’m after Your heart
i’m having a new day start
turning the page and running after You
i’m out of my head
living a life among the dead
risking it all and running after You

it’s all to know You more

it’s all to know You more

Beautiful

Wonderful

hope in the lonely nights
Beautiful

Wonderful
You have turned on the lights
i’m taking my sword, taking my shield

i’m coming out to fight
Beautiful

Wonderful
Love never felt so right

i’m ready to kneel
Your love is chasing down my will
laying it down and running after You
i'm walking in faith
living it out each day
taking a chance and running after You

-josh baldwin

i want a love that only you can give

filling me with peace and fire in my soul

pursuing me and never letting me go

i want stories that only you can write

pages of purity and vulnerability and sacrifice

no standing in the shadows but in the light

i want to know and be fully known

comfortable but not complacent and at rest

experiencing the fullness of His life with you