...offer your bodies as living sacrifices...

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

Romans 7:18

2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Philippians 2:13

3. We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.

Romans 12:1

so... as new leaders in Celebrate Recovery, we're required to go through the 12-step study. contrary to popular belief, leaders have internal issues too. shocking... i know.

the first two steps were pretty easy for me to accept. well, let's backtrack. after i swallowed the fact that i've been living in denial for a good while as a fake secure person (not to be confused with fake, secure person), the first two were simple. i am powerless without Him. i want to do good, but my flesh can't carry it out. it's only by Him working in me that His will is accomplished.

but here i am at step #3, and it's a little tough for me. it didn't seem hard at all when i read it the first time. besides, i gave my life over to Him years ago, right? oh, but how often i try to take care of my own will instead of turning it over to the One who can handle it best. it's hard for me to let go. i have these ideas of what i want my future to look like... who i want to be there with me... and what if He says no? what if He strips me of everything i think i need and just leaves me Himself? will i still believe He's worth it?

i'd like to think so, but to be perfectly honest, it'd be hard for me. as i'm just now scratching the surface of this wall of fear and insecurities i've had built up for so long, i'm also realizing i don't trust Him near enough. i know all of these truths... that His ways are higher than mine... that He knows what i need better than i ever could... that He loves me and wants the very best for me... so why is it so hard for me to surrender?

i just want to surrender. and not just once, but daily. all of me. completely.

oh, You are the best surprise.

so, this may be my new favorite song...

oh, it came suddenly

power rushing right through me

past my walls and through my doors

i'm not lonely anymore

how did You get inside?

my heart's like a maze at night

oh, but since You brought your light

i'm not lonely anymore

there's no need for rushing

when our lips are touching

this is love so clean and pure

all my life worth waiting for

oh, You are the best surprise

i see heaven in Your eyes

You've got my heart open wide

i'm not lonely anymore

baby, You give bliss

there's fire in Your kiss

Husband, You're the answer

to my prayer, my very wish

i will love You all my days

be Your wife, Your friend, always

home will be our favorite place

i'm not lonely anymore

-laura woodley osman

i need a breakthrough. i've been silent long enough. i just want Him to tear down this wall i built up a long time ago for whatever reason and be free... and fearless... and secure. i want to love people like He loves me --- and i can't give all of myself if i don't even believe i'm worth it.

Lord, deliver me. make me vulnerable and open my heart wide. i want nothing left inside of me but truth.

Love is greater than the fear.

i remember dreaming of this---his touch and laugh and heartbeat

never fully trusting that the dream would come to life

then he does, and i’m left here with a feeling somewhere between sickness and awe

the fear slips in along with insecurities, sometimes expected, never welcomed

my guarded heart slowly opening because Love is greater than the fear

raw and real and awkward and comfortable all at once

the more i learn of him, the more aware of this treasure i become

let me be brought low so he may be lifted up, let me be humbled for his good

and when this life is over, i’ll say i risked it all for this---for Love.

(c) 2010

i need the way you lift me up.

the Lord is showing me so much of Himself... through other people... and i am so thankful. we should have more hope than ever when we're in a place that looks impossible. as C.S. Lewis once wrote... "a miracle is when God does something that wouldn't happen if He didn't do it." if we were never in those places, we'd never even give Him the chance.

this is all for His glory.

the tears that used to come are nowhere near me now.

i’m pressed but not crushed, and Your voice is calling me out.

the world is beckoning but its skewed perspective is chasing me away into You.

i once would sit and weep… and weep… and weep.

but You’re holding me up, helping me stand. Your love is growing me.

looking at the world through Your eyes, i see Light, and He’s all I’ll ever need.

(c) 2010

when i see you standing there
you know it all becomes so clear
the way you look, the way you touch
i need the way you lift me up
this will never feel complete
until there’s nothing in between
and we have broke down every wall...

-steel magnolia

God has a way of making the most miserable thing beautiful. (Part II)

His name can make people so terribly uncomfortable. (Part I)

my loss is my gain.

balloons are floating up to the stars

there are no strings attached

crossing over into eternity

when they’re gone they cannot come back

fill me with hope instead of helium

cut these strings, let me fly

laughter will carry me somewhere new

where Jesus is and angels reside

freedom is endless on the journey here

sadness is left in shadows of time

no reversing the pattern of gravity now

where brokenness shatters and love binds

like a balloon suspended in the heavens

unbound by time or circumstance

so is my soul, now steadfast and alive

going further and higher with every glance

of You

(c) 2008

i will not offer up on the altar what costs me nothing

i only will sacrifice the best part of my heart

and if my loss is my gain, i would lose everything

and lose it again just to capture You

i'd lose everything just to worship You

if the sun lost its fire, You are the light

if love lost its power, You are faithful

if there was no tomorrow, You never end

You alone, You alone, You alone be praised

i'm coming to waste my oil, to pour it all on You

i'm coming to take the cup, to fill it up with praise

'cause my loss is my gain, i would lose everything

and lose it again just to capture You

i'd lose everything just to worship You

not one thing goes by without You

not one morning sky without You

there is none beside, there's none but You

-leonard jones