the right time for Love is now.

it's 3:41am and i'm wide awake. it's a good thing i've coined today as "Get-out-of-bed-whenever-i-want-to-and-stay-in-my-pajamas-all-day Day."

it seems like i haven't really written in ages. though the excuse of not having enough time to write just isn't sufficient (considering i only work 3 days out of the week and haven't had to study 'til an unGodly hour in way too long), the words just haven't come--and i don't have the smarts to create them on my own. if you are guessing the previous statement about studying might have a hint of sarcasm in it, you are 99%... (ok, maybe 95%)...*drum roll*... WRONG.

i, in fact, miss school. i miss learning.

so, i'm going back this summer. i have two classes left to take before i can apply to OT school! Gadsden State offers one of them online, and i'm hoping JSU offers the other one. i have to say, it feels extremely good to have a plan.

...and now i'm well aware my plan could disintegrate before my very eyes, and i'm okay with it. i think that's part of the reason i've gone through this period of feeling like i don't know anything and wondering where this road is going to lead. i needed to know in my heart that when my plans fail, His will still be carried out. realizing that i don't want to go to medical school has freed me. all of those times i asked Him why the process couldn't be a little easier have lead me here. now i'm able to look at my own story and see how He's bringing beauty from the ashes.

i've been reading some of what i've written in the past few years, and it's safe to say the recurring theme is love. since it is February (i'm usually not a fan of the whole 'love month'/Valentine's idea), i thought i'd post some excerpts throughout the month.

i, being my own worst critic, always think someone else can say it better. let's face it--someone can always say it better. my words are mediocre and don't seem to have the effect i want them to, but insecurity isn't a valid reason to say nothing at all. so, here are some of my old words. i'm praying He gives me the heart i had back then.

and just for the record, you may have to remind me about my previous 'i miss school' statement once classes are back in full force. i knew i'd regret those words as i was typing them.

Seven Bridges Road

i went to visit my family in Montgomery yesterday, and they took me down Seven Bridges Road. it's only appropriate that i post the lyrics...

there are stars in the southern sky

southward as you go

there is moonlight and moss in the trees

down the seven bridges road

now i have loved you like a baby

like some lonesome child

and i have loved you in a tame way

and i have loved you wild

sometimes there's a part of me

has to turn from here and go

running like a child from these warm stars

down the seven bridges road

there are stars in the southern sky

and if ever you decide you should go

there is a taste of time sweetened honey

down the seven bridges road

The Eagles = amazing.

now my wandering soul is home again for a couple days before hitting the road. i don't want the road to be my home forever, but for now, i think it fits.

The End.

as i'm driving home tonight, the Lord gives me the interpretation to a dream i've had on several occasions. i wasn't praying or even thinking about the dream or Him, but in the span of about three minutes, He encourages me.

i haven't had the dream in a long time but remember having it at least three times during my life thus far. it goes something like this...

i've been kidnapped. i'm on the left side of the back seat of a black car, and there's either one or two men up front. they are yelling horrible things at me. we're going down this lonely road, and there's not many other cars or people--if any--around. the road is paved, but we're definitely not on a main highway. trees surround us, and the sun isn't shining through them. i'm covered in darkness. the further we travel, the more fearful i become. i'm alone and scared and in a strange place. i start to panic, my heart is racing, and i feel like i'm using all the strength i have left trying to get out of the car. i just want to escape and be free. i try opening the door, of course, but the door is locked. then i try beating on the window to no avail. i'm really losing my cool now. i've tried everything and almost lost every ounce of hope i have when, suddenly, the door opens and i fall out of the car onto the pavement. i feel relieved, but i'm still so tired from fighting. i don't even have the energy to stand. i'm crawling down the road and finally come to the end. i don't even remember how long it takes me to get there, but i think it's a while. i look up from my knees, and i know i've finally reached my destination. there are people everywhere. the sun is shining so bright. there are rows of tables with kids eating and laughing. the carousel is in the background going around and around. i'm at a carnival and probably thinking about cotton candy. everyone is happy, including me. i'm not afraid anymore.

then i wake up.

when i first had this dream as a little girl, i had no idea what was coming. i didn't know life would be this tiresome. i think i have a better perspective of life now, but even still, tomorrow will surprise me.

some days, like today, i'm reminded that this life is a vapor; but most days seem like they'll never end. i struggle. i try and tear the walls of my heart down myself instead of letting Him do the work for me. i do my best to open doors and bust out windows to escape before it's time. i crawl much more than i stand. the road stretches out before me, and no matter how i try, i can't even hold my head up long enough to see the end.

but the end is there, and it's so good. the beginning and in-between may be blurry and dark, and i may feel like the light is never going to break through the trees. but it will. it has to. so, i'll just give it time. i'll breathe in and out, panting at times, knowing the end is worth all of this.

we'll be torches together.

why burn poor and lonely?

under a bowl or under a lampshade

or on the shelf beside the bed

where at night you lay turning like a door on its hinges

first on your left side, then on your right side

then your left side again

why burn poor and lonely?

tell all the stones we're gonna make a building

we'll be cut into shape and set into place

or if you'd rather be a window, i'll gladly be the frame

reflecting any kind of words, we'll let in all the blame

and ruin our reputation all the same

so never mind our plan making, we'll start living...

anyway, aren't you unbearably sad?

then why burn so poor and lonely?

we'll be like torches, we'll be like torches

we'll be like torches, we'll be torches together

why pluck one string, what good is just one note?

oh, one string sounds fine i guess, but we were once "One Note"

we were lonely wheat, quietly ground into grain

what light and momentary pain

so why this safe distance, this curious look?

why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book?

why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar?

strum the guitar, strum the guitar

strum the guitar with no beginning, with no end

take down the guitar and strum the guitar

strum the guitar if you're afraid and i'm afraid, everyone's afraid

and everyone knows it but we don't have to be afraid anymore

-mewithoutYou

you'll find me in Stars Hollow.

Lorelai: "I just don't want to do or say anything else that's going to be completely moronic. "

Rory: "I'm afraid once your heart is involved, it all comes out in moron."

and then, His glory is revealed..

i was reading some old posts i'd written and came upon this. i get so caught up in not being able to see what's in front of me, i forget who's beside me. this was just a reminder...

my eyes are barely open.. and my surroundings blurry.

as the minutes pass by, the blurriness spreads across my entire view of the world, and i can hardly see.

apprehension sets in, and i'm scared to keep going.

i keep driving. i keep moving.

as i drive, i notice the headlights on the cars in front of me..coming toward me.. but instead of there being just two or four.. there are hundreds.

lights are coming from every direction, and i can't help but stare.

the lights coming from the cars shine across the street and join with the lights coming from the lampposts, and because of the rain, they create some of the most magnificent colors i've ever seen.

the light is multiplied and radiating all around me.. all because of the blurriness.

so.. blurriness isn't always bad.

the blurriness just makes the Light even more glorious.

(c) 2007

Rammer Jammer

[disclaimer]: this video does contain the word "hell." more than once. i would normally try and bleep it out, but to be honest, i can't remember what i was doing in all the excitement after the game (besides bonking a random guy's head in front of me and high-fiving and hugging everyone i came in contact with). besides, i consider beating the hell out of someone a good thing. and the female voice you hear over the rest? yours truly.

.