tenderly, sweetly, freely, completely

my heart and my mind are much too complicated for me. lately i've had trouble telling the difference between the two. i know truth in my mind, but i can't figure out how to get it down in my heart. i know a lot of good, but i can't feel it. i want this goodness deep within me, filling up and spilling over, and yet i'm almost sure it can't make its way there by any efforts of mine. i think He has to make the transfer, and sometimes i think He wants us to really think about our circumstances before He takes over. only when we've felt hopeless can we be driven to Hope. and this Hope can't be contained.

...and His mercy? ...

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus."
Ephesians 2: 1-7 [emphasis added]

oh, how His mercies are new every morning.

i was sitting here at work tonight listening to music, and suddenly, His love for humanity overwhelmed me. i like to think i've always had a heart for people, but most of the time i find myself wanting to love more.. give more... be more. as tears formed in my eyes, He gave me just a taste of Himself. i started praying for salvation for one of my friends. i want him with me in heaven one day. i want him to see the beauty of Jesus. but as much as i love this friend, Jesus loves him even more. for a moment, i felt this love stronger than ever. so Lord, humbly i ask. save him. keep him. show Yourself to him.

as one of my best friends said, the Lord has been gradually tightening my leash. He's been drawing my attention and disciplining me in love. my sin humbles me. and after confession time this weekend, i can say that exposure does lead to healing. keeping each other accountable is necessary for us to walk in obedience. the fact that He's provided someone for me to confide in--who is walking through some of the same struggles i am--has been such a blessing. i didn't even think to ask for it, He just gave it to me. freely.

tenderly, sweetly,

you whisper the truth.

freely, completely,

i wanna love like You.

some advice i received from a spiritual father in an email a couple of weeks ago... "do all that He puts in your heart. when you do, He provides the way and the resources. don't be afraid to do what's in your heart. we do the will of God from the heart. you know your desires. all that is good and according to His Word will be blessed."

...and after all of this pondering, He reminds me.. Goodness is already there. He's in my heart. my flesh just likes to get in the way. so i guess it's not about wondering what's in my heart, it's about letting it come out. love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

"my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
psalm 73:26

speaking of...

this weather is perfect. it's finally cool enough to wear boots. i looove boots. speaking of boots, i bought my first pair of the infamous Ugg's this weekend. ( they were my early birthday present from mom and dad.) i still think they are some of the ugliest shoes i've ever seen, but they are so waaaarm. i think i'll wear them to the Alabama game this weekend.

speaking of Alabama football, i'm having withdrawals. a part of me wish i could watch them play every day, but then again, i'm afraid i'd have a nervous breakdown, especially if all of their games were as ugly as this past one. okay, so the defense wasn't ugly at all. and i wish i could hug Ingram for stepping it up on the offense.

speaking of Ingram, he needs a Heisman. and if they had a trophy for the "most ridiculously giddy Alabama fan during the Walk of Champions," i would nominate my mom. she never fails to jump out in the middle of the team as they're walking and convince them to give her high fives. she says it gives her a rush. all of them look at her like she's a loon, but some of them concede and reluctantly hold their hands out anyway.

this past week, the girl beside me kept laughing at mom and saying, "look at her! Roll Tide! look at her!" i just laughed, nodded, and tried to hide my face with my hands. i would like to think that maybe the fans around me had no idea she was my mom, but considering we look just alike, it's a pretty hopeless situation. and deep down, i think i love how she gets over the Tide.

i can't wait to enjoy another Bryant-Denny stadium dog this weekend, and i really hope Alabama beats the heck out of UT.

but not me, i'm alive

tailgatin'

taking a spin in T-Rav's F250 with Kimberly

sips n strokes: round II

i feel like i need to write. it's already seven days into october and no blog entries. heaven forbid. i've never been one to write just for the sake of writing itself, though, and i don't have any earth-shattering news. i guess that's where pictures can come in and do my life a little justice. [not much... i'd rather experience life than try to capture it all, although some friends of mine would disagree. one in particular calls me the "picture nazi." ohhh, brother.]

i don't know what to do with this jumbled mess that entangles my thoughts and isn't quite willing to free them just yet. i see a glimmer of a thought trying to peek its way through every now and then but not enough to decipher it and put it down in words. most days i have an epiphany and think, "whoa, that was good and deep and maybe even life-altering," and before i know it, it's found its place again in the web i like to call my mind. one of these days i may take the time to pick out the pieces that contain substance, put them all together, and teach myself a thing or two. but for now, these empty words and lifeless pictures will have to do.

because while the pictures themselves contain no life, i'm full of it.

it’d be easy to add up all the pain
and all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
but not me, i’m alive

and today you know that’s good enough for me
breathin' in and out's a blessin' can’t you see
today's the first day of the rest of my life
and i’m alive, and well
i’m alive, and well

-kenny chesney

ralph waldo emerson

*do the thing we fear, and death of fear is certain.

*hitch your wagon to a star.

*always do what you are afraid to do.

*don't waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.

*give all to love; obey thy heart.

*live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.

*our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.

*the only gift is a portion of thyself.

*this time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it.

*what you do speaks so loud that i cannot hear what you say.

*to be great is to be misunderstood.

books, ears, and the beach

can i make my excitement really evident and write in enormous letters and say something that i've been waiting to say for what seems like an eternity now? well, even if you whisper "no" and i still hear it, i'm going to do it anyway, because...

I CAN HEAR!!!!!

(i was really going for something a little more dramatic than that, but whatever works. that's the best me and this here blog can do.)

after the doctor finished rummaging around in my right ear again today, i felt a little bit like an ant would feel if a dinosaur walked up and started talking to it. okay, i'm pretty sure ants don't have ears, and if they did, they would probably be too minute to hear much of anything. maybe you still get my point. the world seemed completely different. the doctor asked me a question, and i jumped a little. he understood. and then i responded and thought, "so THAT'S what i sound like." i had forgotten. i made it a point to turn my radio down as soon as i got in my car to leave. it would have blasted me to the third heaven. (...and that would have been unfortunate why?)

i love our senses. the world is so much more beautiful when they're included.

i bought new books today. in my eyes, a long beach trip is the perfect excuse to invest in some new reading material. i was afraid i'd be in books-a-million for hours trying to reach a decision. while i'm as indecisive as a person can be, i'm not blaming my personality flaw for the countless hours i've spent in bookstores. it's plain and simple. i just love books. and how anyone can walk in, grab a book off the shelf, and walk out is beyond me. i did, however, manage to make it a quick trip... a record time of only 45 minutes!

my choices? when crickets cry by charles martin and the time-traveler's wife by audrey niffenegger. i surprised myself with the latter, but i figure with the movie coming out that i'll probably end up seeing, i'll rest better knowing i read the book first. i'm sure i won't be disappointed.

beach, i can't wait to see you.

i've been looking for you.

maybe you're just jaded
from some nobody's unforgotten words
maybe you're just faded
a little gray from every time that you've been hurt
so you're looking for your skin
that you never did fit in
you can't hide when you're turned inside out
love is looking for you now

maybe you've been burning
but you can't blow out a flame that you can't find
maybe you've been thirsty
but the rain just ain't enough when you're this dry
so you're running from the water
and the fire's getting hotter
i think you better find some level ground
love is looking for you now

maybe you've been wearing
the shoes that someone else is wearing now
maybe you've been swearing forever might have already run out
you can't love yourself at the expense of someone else
you can't hide a liar from the truth
love is looking for you

i've been looking for you

-miranda lambert

just a little further now...

i'm laying on my bed in Gadsden, and there are still several boxes on the floor around me. one of them is filled with stuff i've collected over the years that i'm finally getting rid of, and in the others' are random objects i have to find places for. it's weird being back home.

it's not like i've ever moved too far away, but some of the same feelings i felt when i was about to leave for college make their way up to the surface of me again. i'm unsure of where i'm going and have no idea what the next step for me will be. my mind is consumed with all of the possibilities. all in all, i just want to be passionate about what i do and make a difference. i don't think that's too much to ask.

i just got back from a short trip to Virginia with Kimberly and T-Rav monday night, and i'm already wanting to go back. the mountains were beautiful, the grass looked a little greener (it always seems to on the other side), horses were everywhere, and it wasn't Alabama. is it bad that i'm so anxious to leave when almost everyone who means anything at all to me is here?

mom, she does more for me than any other mom on the planet. i'm sure of that. she has put me before herself every day of her life. she wants me to be happy and successful even more than i want myself to be happy and successful. and my dad, i find myself becoming more thankful for him each day i live. i hear and witness stories of how fathers' are absent, or violent, or both, and i see the effects it has on families for generations. my good friend's husband is having trouble showing love and approval because he was never shown approval himself. a man uses violence as a means of control because, well, that's what his father did. my father... he's always been there, and i love him for that.

i could go on and on about the people here i love: Josh, Heather, Mamaw, Papaw, Nancy, TR, the boys, the Montgomery clan, and my friends that I couldn't survive without talking to or laughing with. for sanity's sake, i'll keep this list to a minimum. (quite frankly, reading shout-outs in the front of books or the back of CD covers has always stressed me out because i just KNOW a special person who has been detrimental in the life of the writer has been left out.) now, back to my point...

Mamaw saw me today and said, "well, it's my wandering granddaughter!" i feel bad for being a "wanderer" most of the time, but i'm learning that it shouldn't be considered a bad thing. i've never been one to stay when i had the chance to leave. i've never been content to stay. i was born curious. i was made for adventure. that's just who i am.

i don't know how long i'll be here or where i'll be going, but when the Lord provides a new path, i'm going to take it. i can only hope and pray that if this path leads me a little further away this time (or a little further north... i definitely wouldn't mind Virginia being added to the mix..), the people in my life will know they mean the world to me.