2011

so... seeing as to how New Year's resolutions just never seem to stick with me... i only came up with one resolution for this next year.

i just want to know God better.

i don't want to just know about Him, but i want to know Him. i want to hear His voice more clearly than i do now. i want to know what He's telling me to do and do it. i want to be so close to Him that even in my day-to-day routine, i'm content. i want knowing that He's with me to be enough for me.

i woke up on Christmas morning, and i felt like the Lord was speaking to me. i looked out my blinds at the snow--the first snow in Alabama on Christmas since i've been alive--and i knew this day was significant. it's like He was saying to me... "here's your turning point. change is coming." 2010 has been full of me letting things go and slowly letting others in. it hasn't been easy, and maybe 2011 won't be easy either, but it's going to be good.

the work He starts in us He is faithful to complete.

i feel a breakthrough coming.

so are You to me...

like the stars that fill the night sky,

so do You light up my eyes

as the water gives peace of mind,

so are You flooding through me in time

as i sit in anticipation before the last song is played,

so does my heart beat and soul await

like the sun that glistens through the trees,

so do You shine on me

then as it gives way to the night,

so does my will when Your presence arrives

like the flame burning between the bride and her groom,

so do i long to burn for You

(c) 2008

the older i get, the less i know.

i'm going to be completely honest here. why even write for others to read if the words aren't authentic? i've wasted a lot of energy in the past speaking and writing words that i thought others wanted to hear instead of the ones really on my mind. that's the problem with most of us. we're all so concerned with others expectations of us that none of us get to the heart of any of our issues for fear of rejection.

okay... maybe not all of us... but a lot of us. and i've been the ring leader.

i feel like i'm alone in this... like i'm the only human being who's felt these emotions before. i feel sad because i have high expectations of people and they let me down. but instead of confronting them and laying my feelings out on the table, i bury them inside and pray it gets better. or i pray they learn to read my mind. i feel too needy when i want to be independent and too independent when i need to lean on someone a little more. i feel just a tad bit psychotic when i realize i'm actually acting and reacting like the woman in the relationship... wondering why he hasn't called or if he's even thinking of me.

admitting emotions like these makes me feel weak, when in reality, it's the healthy thing to do.

a few years ago my idealistic self would have told you that when i reached the ripe age of 26 and was in a relationship... or starting my career... or [enter any other significant event that might define my life]... i'd be the best version of myself. and boy, i would have been wrong. you see, we're always looking for more out of ourselves. we think if we could just fix this one thing that's wrong with us, we'd have everything figured out. but if we woke up tomorrow, and that one thing was no longer, we'd just find another flaw. i'm slowly learning that the flaws in us---in relationships---is what makes them worthwhile. this even sounds good to me now, but it still doesn't make it easier to live out. i guess it's the perfectionist in me.

Gabrielle and I were having a conversation tonight about the expectations we put on ourselves and how we just don't want to mess it up. we just don't want to make any huge mistakes... or any size mistake for that matter. but those mistakes... or those things in us that cause us to be insecure and feel like we don't measure up... make room for grace. how could we ever experience the love of God without His grace? that's the point of it all. we don't measure up... we're fallen... and He loves us anyway.

our relationships on earth should reflect that truth. we don't have to have it all together to enter in. if we did, it'd never be the right time, because we're never going to feel ready. that's where the trusting God part comes in. as a lady once told Gabrielle, the greatest part of a relationship is watching each other change and grow. he was once weak here, and now he's strong. she was once consumed there, and now she's free.

God, teach me how to love.

His words are always true.

it's hard to decipher sometimes if you're going down this road because it's what you want or because you think it's what He wants. some days you see the path so clearly, and others you can barely see to muster up the courage to take even a step. you're thrown into this mix of emotions you've never felt before and wonder if you're crazy or just like everyone else. 'crazy' or 'like everyone else' --- neither one sounds the slightest bit noteworthy. you gradually put a little more trust in your earthly gifts instead of the One who is able to love you better. and then... you're disappointed, with good reason, because you've been let down. at some time or another, they'll always let you down. He whispers to you, peaceful words of affirmation, telling you of your worth to Him. and the beautiful thing about it --- His words are always true.

you are fearfully and wonderfully made. fear not, for i have redeemed you; i have summoned you by name; you are mine. i have loved you with an everlasting love. i will never leave you or forsake you. i will hold your right hand, saying to you, fear not; i will help you. i will be faithful to complete the work i have started in you. i have plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. come to me, and i will give you rest. no one can snatch you out of my hand. come near to me, and i will come near to you. no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. i am faithful! i will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. my mercy is from everlasting to everlasting.

love is more than words.

i'm at work early today... early as in... it's still dark outside. it's easy for me to develop a bad attitude as the day goes on and i encounter people who just need Jesus. so today, i'm making a conscious decision to make a difference... to shed a little light in the darkness. you know, you can say the right things all day long, but if your actions don't show you care, the words are all in vain.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou

make someone feel special today... because they are.

He changed my name to Victory.

when i look around me and try to see and understand how He's working everything out for my good, i'm only able to see glimpses.

but these glimpses are so good.

and i love the times, like tonight, when He allows me to become aware of a little more truth.

He's blessed me in more ways than i can count in the last few months, but they've been hard... and heavy... and, at times, painful.

when we begin to look back and take notice of the experiences that have shaped us into who we are today---the good and the bad---it can be pretty overwhelming. we may not even realize how past sins and hurts have transformed our ways of thinking until we begin dealing with them, and then we realize how messed up our thinking and views of ourselves really are.

but in the end, all of the remembering is going to be worth it. after we've searched our guarded places and found all sorts of memories, some of which we've tried so hard to forget, healing can come. sure, the healing process is painful for a little while (or even for a long while), but the outcome is always good.

i just want to be changed... to become more like Him.

“The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.”

Ezra Taft Benson

so, through this process, He's been showing me what it feels like to be 100% dependent on the Word of God. i've felt like i've been on an emotional roller coaster, so i've needed some stability. His words to me and about me have never disappointed me, and the more i rely on the Truth, the clearer it becomes.

why do i ever wonder why my life can't be easy? it never has been, but more often than not, i get mad at God about it.

but tonight i'm so glad it's not been easy. it forces me to look for Him.

and i always find Him.

well, He finds me.

don't tell my boss.

i'm blogging at work. if my boss knew this, she'd probably curl up and die. i wouldn't dare risk it if she didn't wear heels every day and i couldn't hear her coming from down the hall to check on me (which, by the way, is a lot).

i've had a few conversations with people today that have made me very aware of something. the only frustrating thing about getting free is that it makes me want everyone else to get free... and they've got to want it for themselves. i'm nowhere near done sorting out my issues, and i'm confident there are still some buried down there that i don't even know exist yet, but i'm making a conscious effort in seeking the Lord and asking Him to reveal them to me.

we need restoration. we're all addicts in one way or another. i've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, but i've sure been addicted to people-pleasing. and while the consequences of my actions may be a little less severe than the drug addicts, the root of the problem is the same. we're messed up inside and we need to be fixed. the problem is that we try fixing ourselves and it's 0% effective. but thank God for His power in us!

as i start to shed layers of my old self, little by little, and begin to understand who He created me to be, i want others to experience this life.

p.s. she just snuck up on me and i almost got caught. oops. no more blogging at work, i suppose.

...offer your bodies as living sacrifices...

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

Romans 7:18

2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Philippians 2:13

3. We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.

Romans 12:1

so... as new leaders in Celebrate Recovery, we're required to go through the 12-step study. contrary to popular belief, leaders have internal issues too. shocking... i know.

the first two steps were pretty easy for me to accept. well, let's backtrack. after i swallowed the fact that i've been living in denial for a good while as a fake secure person (not to be confused with fake, secure person), the first two were simple. i am powerless without Him. i want to do good, but my flesh can't carry it out. it's only by Him working in me that His will is accomplished.

but here i am at step #3, and it's a little tough for me. it didn't seem hard at all when i read it the first time. besides, i gave my life over to Him years ago, right? oh, but how often i try to take care of my own will instead of turning it over to the One who can handle it best. it's hard for me to let go. i have these ideas of what i want my future to look like... who i want to be there with me... and what if He says no? what if He strips me of everything i think i need and just leaves me Himself? will i still believe He's worth it?

i'd like to think so, but to be perfectly honest, it'd be hard for me. as i'm just now scratching the surface of this wall of fear and insecurities i've had built up for so long, i'm also realizing i don't trust Him near enough. i know all of these truths... that His ways are higher than mine... that He knows what i need better than i ever could... that He loves me and wants the very best for me... so why is it so hard for me to surrender?

i just want to surrender. and not just once, but daily. all of me. completely.

oh, You are the best surprise.

so, this may be my new favorite song...

oh, it came suddenly

power rushing right through me

past my walls and through my doors

i'm not lonely anymore

how did You get inside?

my heart's like a maze at night

oh, but since You brought your light

i'm not lonely anymore

there's no need for rushing

when our lips are touching

this is love so clean and pure

all my life worth waiting for

oh, You are the best surprise

i see heaven in Your eyes

You've got my heart open wide

i'm not lonely anymore

baby, You give bliss

there's fire in Your kiss

Husband, You're the answer

to my prayer, my very wish

i will love You all my days

be Your wife, Your friend, always

home will be our favorite place

i'm not lonely anymore

-laura woodley osman

i need a breakthrough. i've been silent long enough. i just want Him to tear down this wall i built up a long time ago for whatever reason and be free... and fearless... and secure. i want to love people like He loves me --- and i can't give all of myself if i don't even believe i'm worth it.

Lord, deliver me. make me vulnerable and open my heart wide. i want nothing left inside of me but truth.

Love is greater than the fear.

i remember dreaming of this---his touch and laugh and heartbeat

never fully trusting that the dream would come to life

then he does, and i’m left here with a feeling somewhere between sickness and awe

the fear slips in along with insecurities, sometimes expected, never welcomed

my guarded heart slowly opening because Love is greater than the fear

raw and real and awkward and comfortable all at once

the more i learn of him, the more aware of this treasure i become

let me be brought low so he may be lifted up, let me be humbled for his good

and when this life is over, i’ll say i risked it all for this---for Love.

(c) 2010

i need the way you lift me up.

the Lord is showing me so much of Himself... through other people... and i am so thankful. we should have more hope than ever when we're in a place that looks impossible. as C.S. Lewis once wrote... "a miracle is when God does something that wouldn't happen if He didn't do it." if we were never in those places, we'd never even give Him the chance.

this is all for His glory.

the tears that used to come are nowhere near me now.

i’m pressed but not crushed, and Your voice is calling me out.

the world is beckoning but its skewed perspective is chasing me away into You.

i once would sit and weep… and weep… and weep.

but You’re holding me up, helping me stand. Your love is growing me.

looking at the world through Your eyes, i see Light, and He’s all I’ll ever need.

(c) 2010

when i see you standing there
you know it all becomes so clear
the way you look, the way you touch
i need the way you lift me up
this will never feel complete
until there’s nothing in between
and we have broke down every wall...

-steel magnolia

God has a way of making the most miserable thing beautiful. (Part II)

His name can make people so terribly uncomfortable. (Part I)

my loss is my gain.

balloons are floating up to the stars

there are no strings attached

crossing over into eternity

when they’re gone they cannot come back

fill me with hope instead of helium

cut these strings, let me fly

laughter will carry me somewhere new

where Jesus is and angels reside

freedom is endless on the journey here

sadness is left in shadows of time

no reversing the pattern of gravity now

where brokenness shatters and love binds

like a balloon suspended in the heavens

unbound by time or circumstance

so is my soul, now steadfast and alive

going further and higher with every glance

of You

(c) 2008

i will not offer up on the altar what costs me nothing

i only will sacrifice the best part of my heart

and if my loss is my gain, i would lose everything

and lose it again just to capture You

i'd lose everything just to worship You

if the sun lost its fire, You are the light

if love lost its power, You are faithful

if there was no tomorrow, You never end

You alone, You alone, You alone be praised

i'm coming to waste my oil, to pour it all on You

i'm coming to take the cup, to fill it up with praise

'cause my loss is my gain, i would lose everything

and lose it again just to capture You

i'd lose everything just to worship You

not one thing goes by without You

not one morning sky without You

there is none beside, there's none but You

-leonard jones

...not lacking anything.

i am God's favorite. He favors me!

on nights like these, when i look back on the last 12-14 hours of my life and see where the Lord has moved on my behalf, i feel so grateful. from Him picking out the song i would sing this morning at 10:30 (seeing as to how i still had no clue as of 9:30) to Him speaking to my heart tonight and giving me a little more insight into what He's up to, i can't begin to fill this empty space with words that could do Him justice.

i am very aware i have a lot of maturing to do, and the Lord made a truth evident to me tonight. when we won't mature on our own, He puts us in situations that force us to. of course, we have two options. we can take the easy way out, or we can push through towards Him... on our way to becoming mature and complete... not lacking anything. (i can't wait until that day of completion! i will be with Him!)

i can just feel the Lord growing me. the process is hard, He's putting me in uncomfortable positions, and more often times than not, i want to check the little box beside the statement that reads, 'i do not accept these terms of agreement.' but when i look back at who i was and then look ahead at where He's taking me, i can't help but follow Him.

He is worth my life... even my death.

i've also been amazed today at the people He's putting in my life. after Celebrate Recovery on Sunday nights (which is a ministry i'm becoming passionate about!), our women's small group meets, and each of us take about two minutes to tell what's going on in our lives. (some run a little longer. me? i'm still trying to hit the two minute mark.) the transparency overwhelms and encourages me so much. we don't try to fix each other, we just listen to each other. in listening to everyone else's stories, i've learned about myself. in hearing how the Lord is ministering to others, He's ministered to me.

this journey is incredible.

oh, and i got to church early this afternoon, so i was able to play the piano in the dark sanctuary by myself for a good five minutes before someone came and turned the lights on. it was so peaceful and probably the best five minutes of my day.

ramblings of the heart.

i've been saved since i was 5 years old. i remember the day so clear. i had come to understand that i needed Him, and i was so excited for my pastor to come to my house to help lead me in the prayer to ask Jesus in my heart. i remember the pureness of it all and literally imagining Jesus coming in and dwelling in me.

while we've been in this relationship with each other ever since, i've wandered off... forgotten Him... more times than i can count. i used to think this roller coaster of emotions... wrong choices... life... [fill in the blank] was just experienced by me, but now i know it's experienced by everyone that's ever lived. we are on the mountain trying to be perfect, and when we just can't succeed, we get frustrated. we feel guilty. and ashamed. and the next thing we know we're so far deep in the valley we can barely see the Light. some of us reach up anyway, get help, and eventually make it back up to stand on the mountain for a while before spiraling down again. and some of us just believe it's a lost cause and stay there. it's a never-ending cycle.

we're sinful. we're fallen. we are nothing outside of His grace.

but the good news is that whether we're having a good 'spiritual' day, or whether we feel so sinful we can barely stand to look at ourselves in the mirror, the Lord is faithful. the Lord is always good. He has no bad days. He is always the same. and the more we fix our eyes on Jesus and allow His Word to transform us, the more our perspective begins to match up with His. He is the author and perfecter of our faith, and He is faithful to complete in us what He started. Hallelujah!

i've been in some low places. everyone knows what i'm talking about. we may not all be transparent about them, but we all have our low places... places we don't want anyone else to know exist. they may all look different, but they are really all the same. sin is sin.

i just recently joined a new church, and i've grown more in the last few months than i have in a long, long time. the openness and transparency of my church now overwhelms me. one of the most important lessons i've learned is the critical need for accountability. it can never be 'just me and Jesus.' it sounds good... it sounded good to me at one time too... but the body of Christ was made for a reason. we have GOT to lift each other up in prayer and hold one another accountable. Christ is living in us, but our flesh will always be getting in the way on earth. it's just so good to know we're not in this alone. with growth comes attack [as i have experienced in the last couple of weeks probably more than any other time in my life], and knowing brothers and sisters are on our sides is a blessing from the Lord.

one more thought, and i'm done. [i haven't rambled this much on my blog in a good year. it feels pretty satisfying.]

when we are seeking the Lord and trying to be obedient to His voice, the places He calls us to and the things He tells us will not always be the most popular. following Him may even look foolish to the world and cause people to turn against us. [isn't that the understatement of the century?!] He has put people in our lives to counsel us and give us Godly advice, that's for sure, but we have to make sure what people say lines up with the Word of God. we can all be quick to spit out an opinion, even if it stems from a good motive just to protect the ones we love, but we can't always assume our 'facts' are facts and not be open to correction. oh, and i'd much rather be too forgiving than not forgiving enough. why? because i've seen the depths of my sin and know how capable any of us are of doing the unspeakable. i forgive because i've been forgiven!

i've been reading in Matthew for the past week, and the Gospels aren't for the faint of heart. the cost of following Jesus is high.

Now when Jesus saw a crowd around him, he gave orders to go over to the other side. And a scribe came up and said to him, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go." And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head." Another of the disciples said to him, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." And Jesus said to him, "Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead."

Following the Lord is not going to be comfortable. we're more than likely going to step on a lot of toes along the way. but i know this... the popular, Americanized, dimmed-down version of Christianity just isn't cutting it for me. call me extreme. better yet... radical. besides, that's who Jesus is.

the only time we're sure of is now.

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

Isaiah 43:18-19

to be truthful, i've never really thought i had a great testimony. but see... if the Lord's in it... it is great. and it's worth telling.

Craig had asked me to sing a couple weeks ago, and of course i said yes. i could sing all day long to anyone. but when he came back up to be at the hospital a few days ago and asked me if i'd share some of my testimony before i sang, i just looked at him. as i told the congregation Sunday, my flesh was saying "say no! please say no!"

...but my spirit was saying yes. it won over this time around.

i just have to say the Lord really came through for me. doesn't He always? how easily i forget until i step into faith and see again.

i was nervous at first, but when i started speaking about Jesus, the words just flowed out of me. i told my mom i could've probably talked for another ten minutes, and if you know me, that's huge! i do love to talk. i have since i was little. my parents have called me "chatty Cathy" for as long as i can remember. but stick me in front of a crowd, and the talking is over. anyway, i digress.

the point is... Jesus is so good. if we are willing, He is faithful.

i've told the Lord throughout my life that i just want to make a difference, but it amazes me when He actually provides an opportunity. i think it's because even after i blow it over and over again, He still wants to use me.

THAT is so incredible to me. that He continues to draw me to Himself. that He never lets me get too far gone. that nothing or no one can snatch me out of His grasp.

so.... Sunday was my baby step. if i want to make a difference, i'm going to have to learn how to be uncomfortable every once in awhile. i'm also going to stop talking about the person i want to be and start actually being.

if we don't follow Him out of our comfort zone, how do we really learn to trust Him? there has to be a time when we stop talking about changing and take action.

and the only time we're sure of is now.

help some sisters out.

I just received a package from my friend Carla all the way from Uganda!

If anyone wants to buy any jewelry that was made by the widows living there with AIDS, let me know. I have sets of bracelets, necklaces, and earrings that range from $12-20. By supporting this project, you would be helping them with medicines, transportation, food, and school supplies for their children.

If you want to know more, visit: Lamplighter Ministries

(Oh, and the jewelry is so cute!)

life in the fast lane.

i survived the rapids.

and i'm going to the Lady A concert at the Fox Theatre in November! they have some major talent and are right up there on my list next to George Strait.

now, don't judge. i do have a wide taste in music. if you scrolled through my iPod you'd see. but you just can't beat country music. i love the stories, and i love blaring them in my car in the summertime.

every day i drive by a little white church

it's got these little white crosses like angels in the yard

maybe i should stop on in and say a prayer

maybe talk to God like He is there

oh, i know He's there, yeah, i know He's there

-lady antebellum

p.s. i hate i haven't updated much about life lately. my excuse is that i've been enjoying it too much to make the time. it's been flyyyying by. my last thought by an anonymous someone... never get to busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

love. :)

i'll always call you home.

(i totally stole this off of sarah teague's blog.)

if i ever left this town
i’d never settle down
i’d just be wandering around
if i ever left this town

if i wasn’t by your side
i’d never be satisfied
nothin’ would feel just right
if i wasn’t by your side

cause i’m not easy to understand
but you know me like the back of your hand
i’m your girl and you’re my man
and we’re makin’ plans

we can go on and on
won’t ever feel too long
i’ll always call you home
and we’ll go on and on

‘cause i know you like the back of my hand
got a heart of gold and a piece of land
i’m your girl and you’re my man
and we’re makin’ plans

-miranda lambert

we'll gaze into the flames and look for You.

if You say go, we will go

if You say wait, we will wait

if You say step out on the water

and they say it can't be done

we'll fix our eyes on You and we will come...

this empty page is intimidating me now.

a few years ago when i had a thousand other places to be besides on my bed writing, ideas would come one right after another. now that i’m here with no other obligations, i sit and wait.

and wait.

......and...wait...

the only reason i’m here now is because i’m home and the power is off. my options are thin. i could go read a book... which is what i would normally do in this scenario. but today, i just keep staring at this page like i’m secretly hoping the words appear and the answers become clear.

i’m currently listening to Coeur De Pirate, and although i understand none of the words, the music... along with her voice... is so beautiful. i almost think the words would ruin it for me.

words mean everything to me. don’t get me wrong.

let me rephrase that.

truthful words mean everything to me.

there are so many words that float around with no meanings and sting and corrupt and make their ways down so deep into our hearts that it makes it hard to know which ones to believe.

so... more often than not, i enjoy moments with no words at all.

words can make the truth blurry to us.

too may words, too little action. i’ll say it again and again and again...

too many words. too little action.

the power came back on about thirty minutes ago, and i’m still here. this is progress. it used to be somewhat easy for me and now it’s not.

who am i kidding? it was never easy.

it will be easy one day, but for now, i’ll press on.

...Your ways are higher than our ways

and the plans that You have made are good and true

if You call us to the fire, You will not withdraw Your hand

We'll gaze into the flames and look for You

-Rita Springer