Hope Is Not Lost

life of an admitting clerk.

2012-01-30T12:31:00.000-08:00

me: single, married, divorced, or widowed?
patient: single, never been married, good dog... looking for a woman with a boat.

...approximately two minutes later proceeding the awkward silence/light, pretend laughter...

patient: so do you have a boat... or a canoe for that matter?

the heart of the matter

2012-01-23T12:46:00.000-08:00

sacrifice is always going to seem hard. of course it is. if it wasn't, it wouldn't be sacrifice. but the One we claim to love deserves it.

i just have to keep reminding myself that this world is not my home.

sometimes it feels like i'm watching from the outside

sometimes it feels like i'm breathing but am i alive

i won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

all i know is i'm not home yet

this is not where i belong

take this world and give me Jesus

this is not where i belong

so when the walls come falling down on me

and when i'm lost in the current of a raging sea

i have this blessed assurance holding me

-building 429

'take this world and give me Jesus'... it's so easy to say...or sing... or write. but being faced with making the choice between wrong and right is not always so easy. doing the right thing is hard and will cost us. we don't always know how making a true sacrifice feels until we have to give up something... or someone... or some place that means a lot to us.

the Lord has allowed me to go through struggles so my faith can be made stronger and i can become more aware of His love for me. my struggles, either there by my own will or His, have been turned around for my good. that's how He works. that's just His nature. He is so good to me.

i've told Him that i want to learn from my past mistakes---to take all He's taught me in the midst of my pain to heart. i don't want to keep compromising what i believe to please others or myself but live a life that brings Him glory.

i think these last few weeks He's been testing me. i could be wrong (it wouldn't be the first time), but i think He does that... tests us to see how faithful we're going to be to Him. i want him to know He can trust me. i've failed some lately, but He's also given me the grace and courage and boldness to stand up for what i believe some too. i can honestly say i've taken what i've been through and learned something from it. i have a long way to go on this journey, but i pray that i'll continue to learn and grow.

progression.

Kimberly has been kidding me about my backbone getting stronger and gettin' a little 'rough around the edges.' My nature has always been to avoid conflict, but because i never want to offend anyone or hurt feelings, i've also avoided speaking truth. this has not only been unfair to others but to me.

the last thing God wants for His children is to be taken advantage of. i believe we should always speak the truth... ALWAYS in love.

i just want to be a living sacrifice. i say it and mean it now, even though i know i won't always feel like it later. God sent the ultimate sacrifice for us--His son. Sacrificing can only make us more like Him.

give me Jesus.

whatever You have to do Lord to make me see, do it in me.

sweet dreams

2012-01-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

i had a dream tuesday night, and it ended up happening on wednesday. you can call it whatever you'd like, but i think God likes giving us dreams sometimes for different reasons. i believe this one was meant to prepare me.

what would have normally been hard for me was a lot easier because He had already prepared my heart. i can't even begin to explain how He works or even how the dream prepared me, but i don't have to understand. i just know He flooded me with the peace and love and forgiveness that can only come from Him.

i can do all things with Him on my side. :)

Christmas and Jaynie B

2011-12-28T19:47:00.000-08:00

my first experience at the Talley household during Christmas was a success. i even got a present (only because i put reindeer ears on)... a dirty Santa gift (aka an alabama/LSU national championship shirt) that we ended up giving to Josh. he loved it.

ohhh, Say. she was so proud of her onesie.

i miss the days when Cam called me his girlfriend. :)

A, B, and C! looove them!

i'm sure Mommio had just finished saying 'RTR' or something along those lines. she always feels the need to say it before a picture... or before anything really.

Kimberly and her little angel... JAYNIE B!

she's stolen my heart... and she loves me back... she just doesn't know it yet. :)

i'm going back in two weeks for her to lay on me just like this again.

follow peace.

2011-12-24T20:48:00.000-08:00

on christmas morning of last year, i woke up, looked at the snow falling outside, and knew this year would be significant somehow.

and i was right.

every day is significant, i know. but i think i've learned more this year than in the 26 others put together.

....and if i was asked to sum up all i've learned, my bit of advice would be two words: follow peace....

when we choose our own way, times will be hard, but we'll sure learn a lot. we'll learn the hard way and we'll never, ever forget it.

more than anything, i've learned more of what love looks like. it's sacrifice. it's truth. it's putting your needs above his own.

Love is a man named Jesus.

if anyone speaks in the name of love but doesn't display any characteristics of Love Himself, don't buy it 'cause it won't last. this world's version of love is cheap and temporary, and true love is unconditional and eternal.

so tonight, i'm thankful for all the ones in my life who are real... and who have shown me so much love i can hardly stand it.

and i'm thankful for the One who gives Christmas its name and who has made me as pure as snow over and over... again and again.

Truth stands.

2011-12-23T17:47:00.000-08:00

i love my job.

2011-12-16T13:39:00.000-08:00

if i was committed enough to write a book about the adventures of an admitting clerk at GRMC, i would in a second.

there's that story of the man who loves me almost as much as he loves his miniature horses and gave me his picture in a frame to put in my cubicle. i actually put it up for awhile until patients starting looking at me a little strange. their faces said it all. they were contemplating it in their heads... hoping he was my grandfather but secretly wondering if he was something a little less cute.

then there's a regular of ours who's brought me a box of chocolates (RUSSELL STOVER, too) both times February 14th has rolled around and on my birthday. the very last time he came in, he was accompanied by his wife, and he didn't talk quite so much. my smile towards her was a little brighter than my norm.

and then there's 'ole ____ _________. i wish i could type his name because it's oddly hilarious to me. if i wouldn't get fired for violating HIPAA or possibly ruin his shining star name in the community, i might just do it. i had just been working at GRMC a few weeks when he made his first appearance. being the overly-friendly front desk clerk that i was, i immediately started laughing and joking around with him as if he was my grandpa (he was early 70's). by the time it was all over, he had given me his life story (including his three previous marriages), the run-down on his family, and asked me for my number. this is the most embarrassing part of it all...

confession: i GAVE it to him.

i've known i should really get better at lying for times like this one, but i just couldn't come up with another number fast enough. and i was so stunned that the thought of saying, "no... i'd rather not give you my number..." did not even cross my mind. so... ____ _________ called my cell phone a good four times, leaving a message for me to call him back every time.

i think i'll take a bow, and i hope whoever is reading this is applauding me for my honesty/transparency right now. props to me. my co-workers told me the whole 'friendliness' thing would wear off in a few months, and i have to commend them for being right. while i try to be cordial and God-like, i'm more realistic than i used to be and my skin is just a wee bit tougher.

today's patient was the kicker. in my near two years of being an admitting clerk at GRMC, i have never been at a loss of words when describing my experiences, so i'm not even going to attempt it. just know that Monday when he's scheduled to come back in, there's a high possibility i might just call in sick.

:)

above all else

2011-11-30T19:48:00.000-08:00

this week's been full of ups and downs, and if i'm honest, more downs than ups. but today... it's been good.

and even though i'm sure i'll go back and forth in my mind a thousand times after i type this, i've decided something while staring at this computer of mine tonight. i don't ever want to take the easy way out.

i mean... obviously, my flesh will 'want' to... our pride always tells us we should.

go with the flow.

break some hearts but never get yours broke.

cut and run.

no strings attached.

anger is better than tears.

but why can't we just be real with ourselves and with the people around us? whatever happened to honesty... putting everything on the line no matter what the cost? i'm aware the truth can hurt, but it sure as heck beats a lie. we can talk about honesty and how great it is till Jesus comes, but if we don't actually live it, the talk is worth nothing.

i've done enough pretending in my lifetime.. even in the name of good intention. i'm not settling anymore.

you know the great thing about my relationship with God? when i'm with Him, i become more of who i was created to be. more myself.

His secret purpose framed from the very beginning [is] to bring us to our full glory.

I Corinthians 2:7 NEB

in her book, one thousand gifts, Ann Voskamp phrases it like this: 'He means to rename us---to return us to our true names, our truest selves. He means to heal our soul holes. from the very beginning, that Eden beginning, that has always been and always is, to this day, His secret purpose---our return to our full glory. Appalling---that He would! us, unworthy. and yet since we took a bite out of the fruit and tore into our own souls, that drain hole where joy seeps away, God's had this wild secretive plan. He means to fill us with glory again. with glory and grace.'

His pursuit of me has never been more real to me than now. He's given me dreams and words from others and thoughts and peace. what the enemy means for evil, He turns around for good. the enemy has this way of twisting the truth just enough to use it to his advantage. but God is fighting for us---for me. and He wins every single time.

obedience is hard... especially when we leave behind places and people we've loved for so long. but He gives us the grace to obey. we could never do it on our own. me, especially.

it's all about Jesus.

above all else... Jesus.

the best is yet to come.

2011-11-24T19:51:00.000-08:00

tonight, i'm thankful for...

family. old friends and new ones. the grace to forgive. second, third, and ninety-fifth chances. the love of God driving us to repentance. feeling like myself again. dreams. laughter through the tears. encouraging words. the body of Christ. my guardian angels. honesty. His never-ending pursuit of me. music. yoohoo's. hard times and all i've learned from them. my mentors. understanding. opportunities to see and tell what the Lord has done. country roads. acceptance. hearing and knowing His voice...

i could go on and on.

Jesus loves me. He sought me out and shed His blood for me. I am forever His!

this life is good, but the best is yet to come.

thank You, Jesus.

27

2011-11-17T17:18:00.000-08:00

welp, i'm one year older, and what a year it's been!

the flowers above are from my best friend, Kimberly. she sent them to me at work, and along with the the confetti and balloons, my desk was so colorful and fun!

one of my co-workers asked me if i turned 15 today. i don't know if she was just trying to be funny or give me a compliment, but either way, i'll take it.

this year i've met some of the greatest people in the world. i've become more grateful for the ones who have loved me from the beginning and who love me the most. i've fallen in love. i've had my heart broken. i've learned more about what real love is and what it's not. i've felt the joy... and the pain... of sacrifice... even though very few of us can even wrap our minds around true sacrifice. Lord, help us understand the concept of giving of ourselves to others and not expecting anything in return. i've seen darkness, but i've also experienced the Light. i've tasted the goodness of God. i've come to hate even more the wickedness of man. i've come to value the Truth more than i did before. i've become more aware of my sin nature and how it can affect others. i've laughed and cried a lot. i've heard His still, small voice more times than i can count... even when i chose to ignore Him for a little while. thank you, Jesus, for making Yourself known to me and for being so faithful even when i'm not. i've come to grips with the complexity of God and how He works in ways we'll only understand in heaven. i've also come to appreciate the simple things. most importantly, i've come to know Jesus a little more... in ways i never imagined.

Hope in the lonely nights

2011-11-09T18:59:00.000-08:00

i’m after Your heart
i’m having a new day start
turning the page and running after You
i’m out of my head
living a life among the dead
risking it all and running after You

it’s all to know You more

Beautiful

Wonderful

hope in the lonely nights
Beautiful

Wonderful
You have turned on the lights
i’m taking my sword, taking my shield

i’m coming out to fight
Beautiful

Wonderful
Love never felt so right

i’m ready to kneel
Your love is chasing down my will
laying it down and running after You
i'm walking in faith
living it out each day
taking a chance and running after You

-josh baldwin

i want a love that only you can give

filling me with peace and fire in my soul

pursuing me and never letting me go

i want stories that only you can write

pages of purity and vulnerability and sacrifice

no standing in the shadows but in the light

i want to know and be fully known

comfortable but not complacent and at rest

experiencing the fullness of His life with you

in the pain there is healing.

2011-10-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

i recently came to realize something about someone, and it made me sick. it literally made me sick. the details--who, or what, or why--don't even matter anymore. it's just the point that counts. when someone we think we know and have high expectations of disappoints us, it's devastating. in some cases trust can be built again (which is my preferred choice), but there are other times we just have to forgive and let go. the hard part is deciding if we're going to keep holding on and doing what we feel like doing or follow hard after God... even if He is telling us something we may not like hearing.

He may tell us to do something that scares us to death, and He may tell us to do something that hurts way more than we think it should.

...but in the pain there is healing.

while i was talking to God about it all, He turned it back to me. i think He likes doing that most of the time. i was focusing on what this person did, and the Holy Spirit gently reminded me of this flesh i still wear around too. we're all the same... we're sinners... and we're going to get it wrong some days. my job here is to love and seek God so I can hear Him and do what He says... and love people.

love people when they do right. and love people when they do wrong. God knows i need to be loved when i get it wrong. but it's so hard to love no matter what sometimes.

you know, we may give everything we have to give to someone, and it still may not be enough. that's the hard part. we can't fix anyone, only God can. and I pray i allow Him to change me from who i am now to who He wants me to be. i need to be fixed more than anyone.

if we pray, He'll guide us. He has to come through for us... He promised He would and He always does.

...but God looks at the heart.

2011-09-30T11:15:00.000-07:00

grace is something you can never get but can only be given. there's no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about anymore than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks... a good night's sleep is grace and so are good dreams. most tears are grace. the smell of rain is grace. somebody loving you is grace.
frederick buechner

i've been focusing too much on the bad lately and not enough on the good. i think this rings true for most of us. we get caught up in the confusion of everyday life and lose sight of the One who holds the world in His palm. i've discovered when i make Jesus the center of my day, it all turns out better. i have a better attitude and can actually minister to someone else. when i learn to be grateful for the gifts God has given me, the greatest being Jesus Himself, my perspective on everything changes for the good. and we all need a little perspective.

i haven't always made the best decisions. i've held hurt and bitterness in my heart for some time before letting it go, and i've been known to isolate myself. we all have our own ways of dealing with hurt and none of them are good. the only right way is God's way, and He's slowly but surely teaching me. it's not the teaching that's slow... it's the learning. but maybe that's how He intended it to be all along. the longer the process is for me, the harder it will be for me to forget.

the deeper the cut, the sweeter the healing.

i got a text a little over a month ago from Peggy Joy. i knew her in auburn and she was always so faithful to pray for me. it said... "Hey Emily, remembering you and the word of promise from the LORD to heal you...don't lose hope of God's word to your brother for it will come to pass. He is trustworthy. I love you little sister..."

i don't think encouragement like that is ever by accident or coincidence, and it came at just the right time. i believe my body will one day be whole, but right now He's working on my heart.

i was once a pre-med student...

2011-08-04T14:06:00.000-07:00

three stupid things i've done in the past week:

1. stole a "Just Busted" paper from the Texaco. it was only a buck, but i could have sworn those things were free. they should be, anyway. i mean... for our own protection and all! they were just laying there on the counter up for grabs, and after paying for my drinks, i grabbed one. i did realize a few minutes later (with the help of Seth and the big $1 circled on the front of the paper) that they were not free to the public. (and if you're curious, i did go back and pay her the dollar. she just laughed.)

2. showed up to work with my shirt on backwards. i knew it felt kind of funny, but it wasn't until i looked down and saw the tag below my chin that it hit me. good thing i realized it early on so many people didn't notice.

3. i was planning on typing the third stupid thing out too, but then i realized it probably wouldn't even make sense or be half as funny as it was to me at the time, so i'll just leave it at this... despite popular belief, i'm really not a dumb blonde most of the time. it just comes in spurts.

:)

in a nutshell...

2011-06-07T05:41:00.000-07:00

this weekend was life changing for me, and if you were around me at any point this weekend, you probably wouldn't have known.

it was a weekend of practice games, a little relaxing, hanging out by the pool, and celebrating Seth's birthday. (for the record, i'm really glad God thought of him before the foundation of the world and knew just what he was going to do through him.)

but in the midst of the craziness (which i'm growing accustomed to), the Lord spoke to me and added to my testimony.

i hear testimonies all the time. great, powerful ones. and it's hard not to testify to His faithfulness when i see people's lives being changed every day through His power. while i'm fully aware my testimony is always growing and changing because God is continually growing and changing me, He dusted off my platform this weekend and made the place i stand just a little more clear.

this is my testimony:

i was born a wreck. the outside of me was all twisted up, but the inside of me was worse. the 15 or so surgeries i had on my legs and feet helped my physical condition some, but no one outside of Christ could help me with my heart. God found me at an early age, but my sin nature still gets in the way. God's shown me that up until now, i've let my disability define me. it became my identity without me even knowing it. darkness led me to believe that i was unlovable because my legs and feet weren't pretty like others i've seen. i've spent wasted time replacing God in my life with other people/things i felt could satisfy. they do satisfy, for awhile, but they will always leave us empty. the good news is that the Light has shown me the truth. i am loved by Him just like i am, and He created this messed up body of mine with a purpose in mind. as if being loved by Him is not enough, He's sent people to me that love me for me. this is HUGE for me. His love for me is alive and active in the people He's placed around me. i'm a work in progress, but i'm gradually becoming the me that i was created to be. and from here on out, i choose to not be identified by my circumstance but by the God who gave Himself for me. i choose to believe His love is more than enough.

He came to his own people, but they didn't want him. But whoever did want him, who believed he was who he claimed and would do what he said, He made to be their true selves, their child-of-God selves.

1 John (MSG)

He is jealous for me.

2011-05-01T18:20:00.000-07:00

the last of this week has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster for me, but i'd actually feel bad about going into all of the details of the several instances that seemed to collide together to make my emotions soar. i guess it's because after i spent most of yesterday in Webster's Chapel looking around at all of the people there standing in the rubble that was once their homes, life shifted back into the right perspective for me, and i stood there in complete awe of the mercy and grace and sovereignty of God.

He sure has a way of reminding me of how big He is and how small i am.

i don't know why He chooses to spare me and take the life of someone else. i don't know why He sometimes feels so close and other times He seems at a distance (even though i'm pretty confident it's more than likely me that's moved away). i don't really even understand why there has to be pain to bring purpose to life. but i don't have to know or understand it all, and i'm completely good with that.

you know, i'm new with this whole man/woman relationship thing. i've never not liked boys, don't get me wrong, but a lot of these emotions that come with being in love are new to me. i haven't felt some of these feelings before now... one of them being jealousy.

we, as women, want to be priority. we want to be pursued. we'd like to think we're the only one on their minds and there's been no one before us. and up until tonight, i've felt bad for feeling

that way. and then the Lord reminds me that He's the one who made me. He made my emotions, and He's making the church... the bride... ready. God made a way, through Jesus, for us to live forever... and soon He's coming back for His bride.

We are a priority to Him. He pursues us. We are so small yet we are ALWAYS on His mind.

and He is jealous for me. He is JEALOUS for me!

i'm not too insane after all.

"so be careful not to break the covenant the LORD your God has made with you. do not make idols of any shape or form, for the LORD your God has forbidden this. the LORD your God is a devouring fire; he is a jealous God."

deuteronomy 4:23-24

Truth is here.

2011-04-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

we lost ourselves somewhere along the way
the darkness overshadowed us and left us with a name
forgotten
overlooked
abused
used up

insecure
ashamed
bound
too much

the world has whispered to us all this time
inconspicuously burying Truth with little white lies

'you surely won't die if you taste just a bite
the knowledge of good and evil wins out over life'

naked we came to be and naked we will go
we were made to be discovered and exposed

take us back to the garden in the cool of the day
walk with us and remind us we have a new name
chosen
prized
respected
justified

steadfast
content
set free
just right

You came in and made Your home in our hearts
we are covered by Your blood and we know who we are
(c) 2011

only He can satisfy...

2011-04-19T06:45:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting at work eating the rest of my Snickers, and as i'm enjoying one of my favorite tastes, i look down on the back of the wrapper that says "SATISFIES." and that's true. if i'm craving a Snickers (which is pretty often), it does satisfy me... for a little while. but nine times out of ten it leaves me wanting more.

anything we could name, other than the Lord, is the same. it leaves us wanting more. it's good for a little while but doesn't last like we think it should. He's given me many good gifts here on earth that i love and i'm so thankful for, but i've learned that if i'm not continually seeking His face, i'm not satisfied. my relationships with others are even pointless if He's not the focus of them.

some days i look at my life and think of how far i have left to go. i'm in recovery, and i do have a LONG way to go. but i'm thankful that He's brought me this far. i wish my character defects and insecurity issues could be fixed overnight, but that's not how He works. daily if i choose to surrender, daily He will do a work in me.

satisfy me, satisfy me
make my desert bloom like spring
won't You satisfy me

satisfy me, satisfy me
make my dry land a flowing stream
won't You satisfy me

if we wait He will come, send His rain on everyone
if we wait He will come

-sarah mcmillan

His name is Jesus.

2011-04-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

having to continually remind myself today that we're not wrestling against flesh and blood...

"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere."

Ephesians 6:10-18

Satan comes to destroy, but i have a light! i only hope i take every opportunity to shine it brightly.

sometimes i just need a sign.

2011-04-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

this is really more for my sake than anyone who may read this. i'm really bad at writing anything down by hand, so i try to blog to remind myself what's been going on. and today, i want to remind myself (and others) that the Lord never forgets us. we may not always see or feel Him working in our lives, but He's always there.

Sunday after church and pizza, i headed towards Southside planning on going home for a little while before it was time to pick Lilly up. when i got to my street, i just kept going. most days, i spend time with God in my car, and it felt like a good day to just drive and listen. i drove for a good while before turning around, and as i was getting ready to turn around, i noticed a barn on my left with a big "CR" on the side of it. apparently it's the owner's brand, because after noticing the big one, i noticed a few other small CR's in different places. i, of course, thought of Celebrate Recovery because it's such a huge part of my life now... and then i didn't think anything else about it.

later on Sunday afternoon, Lilly and I went home from the park to clean up a little and change clothes, and as we were getting ready to walk out of the door, she intentionally breathed on me. i know that sounds crazy, but the moment she did, i remembered the dream i had a few nights before of her doing the same thing. i'm pretty sure she even said the same thing in real life as she did in my dream.

i just like moments like that... little moments that show me i'm in the right place even though i don't always believe it and half the time i screw things up. His mercies are never ending. and i can't speak for most people, but sometimes i just need a sign that i'm on the right road. Sunday i got two of them, and they wouldn't mean anything to anyone but me.

oh, and just in case you're wondering, i loved feeling like i had a little girl for a day. i feel more experienced with boys, since i've spent so much time with my cousins, but girls are so much fun. :)

so, here's my personality.

2011-03-29T19:24:00.001-07:00

i just got back from the Designer Genes get-together at church tonight. as if i didn't already know, i'm a full blown phlegmatic, and...

*i like avoiding conflict and keeping peace.

*i need to feel worthy and understood.

*i need emotional support.

*i hate making decisions.

*i like a dry sense of humor.

*even when i'm excited about something, i don't always show my enthusiasm.

*i have a hidden will of iron.

*i'm very friendly but i'm an introvert.

*i hate personal confrontation. i'd almost rather die.

*i like people who will make decisions for me, who recognize my strengths, and who will not ignore me. (amen!)

*i dislike people who are too pushy and expect too much of me. (double amen!)

*i am inoffensive.

*i should learn to face my own problems as well as i handle other people's problems.

*i'm recognized by my calm approach.

*i'm much better at listening than talking.

*i usually doubt people more than i believe them.

...just in case you needed to know how to better deal with me. :)

no, but on a more serious note, i believe when we invite the Holy Spirit to come in and begin changing us, He can change our personalities for the better. sure, i hate confrontation, but i'm praying He'll give me the grace to be confrontational when it's necessary. i'm also praying for boldness and a confidence of who i am in Christ. and i want grace for people who were made to be different than me.

come as close as You want...

2011-03-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

i was driving home from work one night when i was still living in Birmingham well over a year ago, and this phrase just came to me...

don't hand your heart to someone who can't feel the weight of it.

i knew it had to be from the Lord, because i couldn't come up with it on my own.

as i was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, i heard it again, and it took on a whole new meaning. i'm in a different place now than i was before, and for the first time, i'm learning how to trust someone else with my heart.

i've always trusted the Lord with my heart. i'm fully known by Him. He knows everything about me and loves me perfectly despite my shortcomings. but when it comes to trusting others, i'm hesitant. maybe hesitant is an understatement... and maybe it's more like resistant.

yes. resistant.

i've spent the majority of my life guarding my heart, and i've always counted that as a good thing until now.

i don't want to be misunderstood... guarding our hearts is a good thing. our hearts are so valuable and do not need to be placed in the hands of ones who don't recognize their worth. i just think that while trying to protect myself, walls have been built that are difficult to tear down. insecurities that have built up over time make their way to the surface and lie to me.

but i do know that just within the last few months, the Lord has taken the insecurities i've given him and restored me. and i also know that He will continue restoring and healing me until i'm with Him.

and that someone who's come along that's worth giving my heart to... he's patient and realizes this is all a process.

our hearts are big. our hearts are sometimes heavy. our hearts can hurt. our hearts are to be prized. we need to know whoever we hand them to will be careful with them.

perfect love casts out all fear.

oh, that we could love like we are loved... to the end.

to the end.

come as close as You want

consume this heart that longs to burn

i know Your fire can hurt

but i would be worse here without You

for i was made to dwell with you

and how i ache until i do

Holy God take my heart

purge with flame and truth

a holy heart is all i want

that i may live with you

come and take all these chains

that get in the way of what You want

as i stand in the flame

still i will say i trust You God

-misty edwards

confession

2011-03-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

i have a confession.

i gossiped at work yesterday and today.

i knew i was gossiping while i was gossiping… and i kept on gossiping. that’s my story that has gotten me in trouble in the past. i knew i was doing wrong while i was doing wrong… and i kept on doing wrong.

the difference between now and then is that now i’m learning to admit when i’m wrong and make it right. there comes a point where we have to take responsibility for our actions and stop blaming everyone else.

so… as i was sitting in the cafeteria with several co-workers talking about so-and-so and how she could possibly continue to act like she’s been acting, i was reminded that i’m no different. i let my flesh win some and make bad decisions.

one of the guys i was talking to asked me a little later what my tattoo on the back of my neck means, and i proceeded to tell him, “Yeshua.” i didn’t like how it felt saying His name and knowing i wasn’t doing a very good job portraying Him.

i really do want to honor Him. i am so glad His blood covers me.

i choose to love.

2011-03-09T09:03:00.000-08:00

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me. I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again. God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

-Donald Miller "Blue Like Jazz"

gentle reminder

2011-03-04T12:32:00.000-08:00

i was walking down one of the halls of the hospital coming back from lunch earlier today, and i caught myself thinking how hard it is for me to put my full trust in someone. i like to think i'm a trusting person, but when it comes down to facts, i'm not.

i set my standards so high that people always let me down. i'd rather go through my day with no expectations and be pleasantly surprised than have high expectations that hardly anyone can meet. i wouldn't even be able to meet my own expectations... and that's crazy.

so, while i was walking, the Lord gently reminded me... "your faith is not in man but in me." that's a good thing too. because even though we have the capacity to love, we'll never fully love like Jesus until we're made like Him. of course the more we grow in Him, the better we get at it, but we'll never love like we should 100% of the time until we're home.

i'm glad He constantly reminds me that He's the only one who can satisfy this hole in my heart that's been here since the beginning so i can have grace for people. i want more grace. and i want to love people even when i don't feel loved by them.

if you're reading this, pray for me. i've been seeking direction, and i know i probably need to take the first step (that's usually the way it goes), but i'm still unsure of what that step is. so... i'm waiting... and learning a lot in the meantime.

...and that's all i've got today.

:)

i like flowers.

2011-02-19T21:43:00.000-08:00

i should probably invest in a pretty vase just to keep at work. every time i get flowers my co-workers have to help me hunt something for me to put them in.

thanks Seth. :)

Weight of Glory

2011-02-13T19:38:00.000-08:00

i needed today.

you know that feeling you get when the Lord just comes to you and rests awhile? i feel Him the strongest when i sing. to me, He's sort of comparable to a weight (a good kind of weight) that comes and rests on me, filling my whole body with heat. and when i sing, i'm fully aware it's not really me singing at all. it's Him. in this moment when it's just me and Him, He comes in and changes my heart. i may not know exactly how He's changing me, but I know He is. He's making my heart, little by little, more like His.

after church today, Christie came up and asked me if i was planning on going to the mentor/mentee get-together at Susie's this afternoon. i hadn't planned on going since i didn't know anything about it, but since Christie was speaking, i figured i'd go hang out and enjoy some teaching. i was quick to tell Christie and a couple others when i got there that i didn't fill out a profile card because i wasn't planning on getting involved, but as always, the Lord had other plans already in order. (doesn't He always?) my excuse was that i didn't need to take on anything else... that my plate was already full... you know, the typical lines. but as i was sitting there listening to how these women have been blessed through forming relationships with each other, the Lord changed my mind for me. He told me i'd make the time. after all, relationships are really what this whole thing is about.

a friend texted me a while back and told me she was feeling heavy about a circumstance she was in, and i responded back with something like... "oh goodness... you know i understand. heavy is my middle name." funny thing is, i wasn't even trying to be funny. i have felt such heaviness lately, sometimes to the point of feeling like the weight of it is going to overtake me and drag me under, but days like today remind me of the truth.

the truth is that God's so much bigger than any of my feelings. and when He comes and rests on me and begins to give me new perspective, i'm reminded that He's far more powerful than i dare to imagine. His weight, the weight of glory (i find this title fitting since i'm reading C.S. Lewis's The Weight of Glory right now), is much stronger than the weight that heaviness can bring. He'll come and sit with us and throw our plans away and give us new ones from Him.

i'm glad He doesn't let me stay in control.

my thoughts today...

2011-02-11T06:15:00.000-08:00

1. if i ever start focusing more on the gifts He's given me rather than seeking His face, He's quick at getting my attention again.
2. i wanna have faith like Job. "he said, 'i came naked from my mother's womb, and i will be naked when i leave. the Lord gave me what i had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!'" Job 1:21
3. i thought i'd never say these words, but i think i might want to teach. this thought terrifies me a little since a teacher is the last thing i'd consider myself, but He equips, right?
4. you may think i'm wishy-washy for changing my mind so much, and that's ok. i can be wishy-washy when it comes to the small things. and believe it or not, my career is a minute thing to me. it's less important to me than the Lord, my love, my family, my church, etc. i'm fully aware He gave me a mind to put to good use and hands to work, i'm just trying to take one day at a time and follow His lead. he brought me back to Gadsden when i didn't want to come. now that i'm here, i don't want to leave. He's funny sometimes. i'll follow Him anywhere, but i'm praying hard He lets me stay.
5. i'm already tired of typing today. i think i'll go eat a donut.

He's making progress.

2011-01-30T19:55:00.000-08:00

i still have a long way to go.

but something cool happened tonight that just hit me about five seconds ago, and i have to share.

want to know how i know God's love for me is becoming more real to me and i'm slowly seeing myself as He sees me?

tonight i played the invitation at Celebrate Recovery. i played almost every single note wrong and i got the words all mixed up (the words i sang didn't even make sense together), and i didn't beat myself up over it.

WHOA... i didn't beat myself up. this is huge!

i'm not saying it was a good idea to try to play and sing a new song that i had only played through three or four times before, because it wasn't. i needed to prepare more. lesson learned. but after the fact, i laughed at myself and went on.

besides, the Lord knew the words that i meant to sing, and He probably thought it was pretty funny too.

He's doing away with the perfectionist in me, and how i love Him for it.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.

Ethel Barrymore

we just wanna to be fought for.

2011-01-26T09:13:00.000-08:00

fight for me, not just once
continually seek me out
hold on tight, claim me as your prize

opposition awaits, be sure
contend with my resistance
when i push away, pull me into you

risk it all for me, relentlessly
love me again and again
surrender to the fire, burn 'til the end
(c) 2010

You won't relent

until You have it all

my heart is Yours

i'll set You as a seal upon my heart

as a seal upon my arm

for there is love that is as strong as death

jealousy demanding as the grave

and many waters cannot quench this love

come be the fire inside of me

come be the flame upon my heart

come be the fire inside of me

until You and I are one

-misty edwards

Step 4

2011-01-25T04:41:00.000-08:00

this is horrible.

i haven't even gotten down to the meat of my inventory (i hate that phrase by the way... down to the meat of it? it grosses me out.) and all of these feelings of resentment and bitterness and anger are already rising up in me. i was thinking i must be a terrible person for feeling this way until Seth told me it's normal. all of these feelings have been in me all along... now they're just coming out.

i was also thinking how nice it'd be if i was off somewhere in the woods in a log cabin by myself for a few days/weeks (however long this process takes). i could have a 'Shack' type experience with the Trinity and all. but knowing me, i wouldn't take full advantage of it, and i'd eventually end up going off by myself somewhere and be found, months later, in a ditch on the side of a worn down trail.

hahaha... i'm really not a pessimist, i just like acting like i am. it adds a little humor to my day. and i'm not near as dramatic as i sound.

but really, isn't that how we usually work? we come to the Father through Jesus and His spirit comes and lives inside of us, and if we only surrender, He'll make the best decisions for us and lead us to just the right place. but 9 times out of 10 we make our own way instead.

the log cabin idea probably isn't a good one even if i did stay inside. i need people. we always need people (the ones that are going the same way we're going). i remember that one time i thought it could just be me and Jesus and i'd be fine. wrong again. human contact is good.

p.s. please pray with me that it doesn't snow tonight. it's pretty and all, but i think i'd sleep in the back of my car in the hospital parking lot before i sleep inside this place.

Perfection

2011-01-22T17:58:00.000-08:00

i was looking back at some of the things i've written in the past several years, and this one stood out to me tonight. in just a few minutes, i'll continue answering questions about my past, and all the while, the Lord will be changing me. He's more than able to take the bad and replace it with more of Himself... we just have to let Him.

"Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth."

Psalm 50:2

growing up, i wanted to be strong.

i thought i was... for a while.

we all like to pretend that we are okay with ourselves.

we are the exceptions.

the one in a million who doesn't experience pain and has it all together.

in the last few years, i have realized just how weak i really am.

sometimes i like to think i'm okay with it.

but the fact is... i'm not okay with it yet. i am learning to be...

it's been a process... an extremely slow and painful one.

when one mountain seems to pass... another one is in the distance.

it has given me perspective though.. on a lot of things...

and i know this process has significance.

the circumstances haven't been in vain.

they have all shown me the roots of the problem.

they run so deep that it's taking a while for me to even understand them all.

sometimes our imperfections can lead to issues that sink so far down in

our hearts it takes time for them to resurface.

for a time, we can cover them up and forget they are alive.

sooner or later, they have to come forth and break free.

deliverance is desired, of course.

it would be far less complicated.

but growth is necessary and unfortunately not instantaneous.

so... in the meantime... i'm learning more about myself.

i'm realizing how messed up i am... how messed up i've always been.

it's not a good thing, but it's inevitable.

i'm human... and perfection has come only once to this earth...

as a man named Jesus.

while i strive for perfection... i will never reach it on this earth.

oddly enough, that comforts me.

my iniquities were known by Him before my existence,

and yet He created me and loves me.

He's always loved me... and His love will never fail me.

most of the time, this fact is too much for me to grasp.

occasionally, the realization overwhelms me and all i can do is worship.

"..but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away."

1 Corinthians 13:10

and so it begins...

2011-01-19T11:38:00.000-08:00

four questions and three journal pages down, this moral inventory is much tougher than i thought it'd be. as i was reading over the questions beforehand, i thought "do i REALLY have to remember all of this?" it's interesting that we can push anything we choose to the back of our minds for so long that we can forget it ever existed. as i wrote, i remembered more and more... of the good and the bad. i figured i'd go ahead and get as much down on paper as possible this first time around so there will be that much less to worry about in the future. i'm so glad when we give it all to the Lord, He takes it and makes us new in the process. as Nick said last night... we don't have the ability to fix anything, but He can. He can mend and restore. i am so thankful! and the most exciting part? after we've dealt with our pasts and found freedom in Him, we're able to tell our stories about all He's done so others can have life too!

"And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony..."

Revelation 12:11

Acts 16

2011-01-13T05:25:00.000-08:00

i'm thinking the Lord is trying to get my attention through Acts 16 again. the story of Paul and Silas getting thrown in prison has been brought up three or four times this week, and i never believe that's coincidence.

One day as we were going down to the place of prayer, we met a demon-possessed slave girl. She was a fortune-teller who earned a lot of money for her masters. She followed Paul and the rest of us, shouting, “These men are servants of the Most High God, and they have come to tell you how to be saved.” This went on day after day until Paul got so exasperated that he turned and said to the demon within her, “I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her.” And instantly it left her.

Her masters’ hopes of wealth were now shattered, so they grabbed Paul and Silas and dragged them before the authorities at the marketplace. “The whole city is in an uproar because of these Jews!” they shouted to the city officials. “They are teaching customs that are illegal for us Romans to practice.” A mob quickly formed against Paul and Silas, and the city officials ordered them stripped and beaten with wooden rods. They were severely beaten, and then they were thrown into prison. The jailer was ordered to make sure they didn’t escape. So the jailer put them into the inner dungeon and clamped their feet in the stocks.

Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off! The jailer woke up to see the prison doors wide open. He assumed the prisoners had escaped, so he drew his sword to kill himself. But Paul shouted to him, “Stop! Don’t kill yourself! We are all here!”

The jailer called for lights and ran to the dungeon and fell down trembling before Paul and Silas. Then he brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, along with everyone in your household.” And they shared the word of the Lord with him and with all who lived in his household. Even at that hour of the night, the jailer cared for them and washed their wounds. Then he and everyone in his household were immediately baptized. He brought them into his house and set a meal before them, and he and his entire household rejoiced because they all believed in God.

The next morning the city officials sent the police to tell the jailer, “Let those men go!” So the jailer told Paul, “The city officials have said you and Silas are free to leave. Go in peace.” But Paul replied, “They have publicly beaten us without a trial and put us in prison—and we are Roman citizens. So now they want us to leave secretly? Certainly not! Let them come themselves to release us!” When the police reported this, the city officials were alarmed to learn that Paul and Silas were Roman citizens. So they came to the jail and apologized to them. Then they brought them out and begged them to leave the city. When Paul and Silas left the prison, they returned to the home of Lydia. There they met with the believers and encouraged them once more. Then they left town.
Acts 16:16-40

you know, it's easy for me to say 'let me suffer well' when the suffering isn't taking place... or when it's let up a little. it's always easier said than done, but when i've found myself in the midst of suffering in the past, it's not even been easy for me to say. when we're tired and discouraged and hurt and confused and we can't see the end result, we don't feel like suffering well.

but when we do, people take notice. when we're bound up by chains and still praise Him through our circumstances, people see Him and are saved. when our focus is Him, we're not the only ones who find freedom. the people around us do too. He may deliver us from our afflictions on earth and He may not, but His glory is His ultimate purpose. i don't want to get in the way of that.

i pray He continues making me humble. i pray as my character defects and flaws come to the light, people will see Him working in me and perfecting me to be like Him.

cheesy quote for a snow day...

2011-01-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

When Harry Met Sally

p.s. i hope everyone is having a good snow day. i'm just happy i can't be found at 1007 goodyear avenue today! now it's time for me to get back to my book reading and movie watching...

oh, and one more thing:

"Wash yourselves and be clean! Get your sins out of my sight. Give up your evil ways. Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows. 'Come now, let’s settle this,' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. '"

Isaiah 1:16-18

Beautiful Mercy

2011-01-06T19:39:00.001-08:00

there is no pit too deep

that Jesus cannot reach

there is no sorrow so strong

that will overtake His beloved one

and He's brought me to this wilderness

where i will learn to sing

and He lets me know my barrenness

so i will learn to lean

oh Beautiful Mercy

do what You have to do

Jealous Lover

do what You have to do

so i will sing

yes i will sing

even in the brokenness

i will sing

-laura hackett

2011

2010-12-27T20:02:00.000-08:00

so... seeing as to how New Year's resolutions just never seem to stick with me... i only came up with one resolution for this next year.

i just want to know God better.

i don't want to just know about Him, but i want to know Him. i want to hear His voice more clearly than i do now. i want to know what He's telling me to do and do it. i want to be so close to Him that even in my day-to-day routine, i'm content. i want knowing that He's with me to be enough for me.

i woke up on Christmas morning, and i felt like the Lord was speaking to me. i looked out my blinds at the snow--the first snow in Alabama on Christmas since i've been alive--and i knew this day was significant. it's like He was saying to me... "here's your turning point. change is coming." 2010 has been full of me letting things go and slowly letting others in. it hasn't been easy, and maybe 2011 won't be easy either, but it's going to be good.

the work He starts in us He is faithful to complete.

i feel a breakthrough coming.

so are You to me...

2010-12-23T19:42:00.001-08:00

like the stars that fill the night sky,

so do You light up my eyes

as the water gives peace of mind,

so are You flooding through me in time

as i sit in anticipation before the last song is played,

so does my heart beat and soul await

like the sun that glistens through the trees,

so do You shine on me

then as it gives way to the night,

so does my will when Your presence arrives

like the flame burning between the bride and her groom,

so do i long to burn for You

the older i get, the less i know.

2010-12-21T19:33:00.000-08:00

i'm going to be completely honest here. why even write for others to read if the words aren't authentic? i've wasted a lot of energy in the past speaking and writing words that i thought others wanted to hear instead of the ones really on my mind. that's the problem with most of us. we're all so concerned with others expectations of us that none of us get to the heart of any of our issues for fear of rejection.

okay... maybe not all of us... but a lot of us. and i've been the ring leader.

i feel like i'm alone in this... like i'm the only human being who's felt these emotions before. i feel sad because i have high expectations of people and they let me down. but instead of confronting them and laying my feelings out on the table, i bury them inside and pray it gets better. or i pray they learn to read my mind. i feel too needy when i want to be independent and too independent when i need to lean on someone a little more. i feel just a tad bit psychotic when i realize i'm actually acting and reacting like the woman in the relationship... wondering why he hasn't called or if he's even thinking of me.

admitting emotions like these makes me feel weak, when in reality, it's the healthy thing to do.

a few years ago my idealistic self would have told you that when i reached the ripe age of 26 and was in a relationship... or starting my career... or [enter any other significant event that might define my life]... i'd be the best version of myself. and boy, i would have been wrong. you see, we're always looking for more out of ourselves. we think if we could just fix this one thing that's wrong with us, we'd have everything figured out. but if we woke up tomorrow, and that one thing was no longer, we'd just find another flaw. i'm slowly learning that the flaws in us---in relationships---is what makes them worthwhile. this even sounds good to me now, but it still doesn't make it easier to live out. i guess it's the perfectionist in me.

Gabrielle and I were having a conversation tonight about the expectations we put on ourselves and how we just don't want to mess it up. we just don't want to make any huge mistakes... or any size mistake for that matter. but those mistakes... or those things in us that cause us to be insecure and feel like we don't measure up... make room for grace. how could we ever experience the love of God without His grace? that's the point of it all. we don't measure up... we're fallen... and He loves us anyway.

our relationships on earth should reflect that truth. we don't have to have it all together to enter in. if we did, it'd never be the right time, because we're never going to feel ready. that's where the trusting God part comes in. as a lady once told Gabrielle, the greatest part of a relationship is watching each other change and grow. he was once weak here, and now he's strong. she was once consumed there, and now she's free.

God, teach me how to love.

His words are always true.

2010-12-16T14:01:00.000-08:00

it's hard to decipher sometimes if you're going down this road because it's what you want or because you think it's what He wants. some days you see the path so clearly, and others you can barely see to muster up the courage to take even a step. you're thrown into this mix of emotions you've never felt before and wonder if you're crazy or just like everyone else. 'crazy' or 'like everyone else' --- neither one sounds the slightest bit noteworthy. you gradually put a little more trust in your earthly gifts instead of the One who is able to love you better. and then... you're disappointed, with good reason, because you've been let down. at some time or another, they'll always let you down. He whispers to you, peaceful words of affirmation, telling you of your worth to Him. and the beautiful thing about it --- His words are always true.

you are fearfully and wonderfully made. fear not, for i have redeemed you; i have summoned you by name; you are mine. i have loved you with an everlasting love. i will never leave you or forsake you. i will hold your right hand, saying to you, fear not; i will help you. i will be faithful to complete the work i have started in you. i have plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. come to me, and i will give you rest. no one can snatch you out of my hand. come near to me, and i will come near to you. no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. i am faithful! i will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. my mercy is from everlasting to everlasting.

love is more than words.

2010-12-16T03:49:00.000-08:00

i'm at work early today... early as in... it's still dark outside. it's easy for me to develop a bad attitude as the day goes on and i encounter people who just need Jesus. so today, i'm making a conscious decision to make a difference... to shed a little light in the darkness. you know, you can say the right things all day long, but if your actions don't show you care, the words are all in vain.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou

make someone feel special today... because they are.

He changed my name to Victory.

2010-12-06T22:43:00.000-08:00

when i look around me and try to see and understand how He's working everything out for my good, i'm only able to see glimpses.

but these glimpses are so good.

and i love the times, like tonight, when He allows me to become aware of a little more truth.

He's blessed me in more ways than i can count in the last few months, but they've been hard... and heavy... and, at times, painful.

when we begin to look back and take notice of the experiences that have shaped us into who we are today---the good and the bad---it can be pretty overwhelming. we may not even realize how past sins and hurts have transformed our ways of thinking until we begin dealing with them, and then we realize how messed up our thinking and views of ourselves really are.

but in the end, all of the remembering is going to be worth it. after we've searched our guarded places and found all sorts of memories, some of which we've tried so hard to forget, healing can come. sure, the healing process is painful for a little while (or even for a long while), but the outcome is always good.

i just want to be changed... to become more like Him.

“The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.”

Ezra Taft Benson

so, through this process, He's been showing me what it feels like to be 100% dependent on the Word of God. i've felt like i've been on an emotional roller coaster, so i've needed some stability. His words to me and about me have never disappointed me, and the more i rely on the Truth, the clearer it becomes.

why do i ever wonder why my life can't be easy? it never has been, but more often than not, i get mad at God about it.

but tonight i'm so glad it's not been easy. it forces me to look for Him.

and i always find Him.

well, He finds me.

don't tell my boss.

2010-11-30T13:41:00.000-08:00

i'm blogging at work. if my boss knew this, she'd probably curl up and die. i wouldn't dare risk it if she didn't wear heels every day and i couldn't hear her coming from down the hall to check on me (which, by the way, is a lot).

i've had a few conversations with people today that have made me very aware of something. the only frustrating thing about getting free is that it makes me want everyone else to get free... and they've got to want it for themselves. i'm nowhere near done sorting out my issues, and i'm confident there are still some buried down there that i don't even know exist yet, but i'm making a conscious effort in seeking the Lord and asking Him to reveal them to me.

we need restoration. we're all addicts in one way or another. i've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, but i've sure been addicted to people-pleasing. and while the consequences of my actions may be a little less severe than the drug addicts, the root of the problem is the same. we're messed up inside and we need to be fixed. the problem is that we try fixing ourselves and it's 0% effective. but thank God for His power in us!

as i start to shed layers of my old self, little by little, and begin to understand who He created me to be, i want others to experience this life.

p.s. she just snuck up on me and i almost got caught. oops. no more blogging at work, i suppose.

...offer your bodies as living sacrifices...

2010-11-27T22:07:00.000-08:00

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

Romans 7:18

2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Philippians 2:13

3. We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.

Romans 12:1

so... as new leaders in Celebrate Recovery, we're required to go through the 12-step study. contrary to popular belief, leaders have internal issues too. shocking... i know.

the first two steps were pretty easy for me to accept. well, let's backtrack. after i swallowed the fact that i've been living in denial for a good while as a fake secure person (not to be confused with fake, secure person), the first two were simple. i am powerless without Him. i want to do good, but my flesh can't carry it out. it's only by Him working in me that His will is accomplished.

but here i am at step #3, and it's a little tough for me. it didn't seem hard at all when i read it the first time. besides, i gave my life over to Him years ago, right? oh, but how often i try to take care of my own will instead of turning it over to the One who can handle it best. it's hard for me to let go. i have these ideas of what i want my future to look like... who i want to be there with me... and what if He says no? what if He strips me of everything i think i need and just leaves me Himself? will i still believe He's worth it?

i'd like to think so, but to be perfectly honest, it'd be hard for me. as i'm just now scratching the surface of this wall of fear and insecurities i've had built up for so long, i'm also realizing i don't trust Him near enough. i know all of these truths... that His ways are higher than mine... that He knows what i need better than i ever could... that He loves me and wants the very best for me... so why is it so hard for me to surrender?

i just want to surrender. and not just once, but daily. all of me. completely.

oh, You are the best surprise.

2010-11-14T20:23:00.000-08:00

so, this may be my new favorite song...

oh, it came suddenly

power rushing right through me

past my walls and through my doors

i'm not lonely anymore

how did You get inside?

my heart's like a maze at night

oh, but since You brought your light

i'm not lonely anymore

there's no need for rushing

when our lips are touching

this is love so clean and pure

all my life worth waiting for

oh, You are the best surprise

i see heaven in Your eyes

You've got my heart open wide

i'm not lonely anymore

baby, You give bliss

there's fire in Your kiss

Husband, You're the answer

to my prayer, my very wish

i will love You all my days

be Your wife, Your friend, always

home will be our favorite place

i'm not lonely anymore

-laura woodley osman

i need a breakthrough. i've been silent long enough. i just want Him to tear down this wall i built up a long time ago for whatever reason and be free... and fearless... and secure. i want to love people like He loves me --- and i can't give all of myself if i don't even believe i'm worth it.

Lord, deliver me. make me vulnerable and open my heart wide. i want nothing left inside of me but truth.

Love is greater than the fear.

2010-11-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

i remember dreaming of this---his touch and laugh and heartbeat

never fully trusting that the dream would come to life

then he does, and i’m left here with a feeling somewhere between sickness and awe

the fear slips in along with insecurities, sometimes expected, never welcomed

my guarded heart slowly opening because Love is greater than the fear

raw and real and awkward and comfortable all at once

the more i learn of him, the more aware of this treasure i become

let me be brought low so he may be lifted up, let me be humbled for his good

and when this life is over, i’ll say i risked it all for this---for Love.

i need the way you lift me up.

2010-10-07T21:01:00.000-07:00

the Lord is showing me so much of Himself... through other people... and i am so thankful. we should have more hope than ever when we're in a place that looks impossible. as C.S. Lewis once wrote... "a miracle is when God does something that wouldn't happen if He didn't do it." if we were never in those places, we'd never even give Him the chance.

this is all for His glory.

the tears that used to come are nowhere near me now.

i’m pressed but not crushed, and Your voice is calling me out.

the world is beckoning but its skewed perspective is chasing me away into You.

i once would sit and weep… and weep… and weep.

but You’re holding me up, helping me stand. Your love is growing me.

looking at the world through Your eyes, i see Light, and He’s all I’ll ever need.

when i see you standing there
you know it all becomes so clear
the way you look, the way you touch
i need the way you lift me up
this will never feel complete
until there’s nothing in between
and we have broke down every wall...

-steel magnolia

God has a way of making the most miserable thing beautiful. (Part II)

2010-09-30T18:59:00.000-07:00

His name can make people so terribly uncomfortable. (Part I)

2010-09-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

my loss is my gain.

2010-09-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

balloons are floating up to the stars

there are no strings attached

crossing over into eternity

when they’re gone they cannot come back

fill me with hope instead of helium

cut these strings, let me fly

laughter will carry me somewhere new

where Jesus is and angels reside

freedom is endless on the journey here

sadness is left in shadows of time

no reversing the pattern of gravity now

where brokenness shatters and love binds

like a balloon suspended in the heavens

unbound by time or circumstance

so is my soul, now steadfast and alive

going further and higher with every glance

of You

i will not offer up on the altar what costs me nothing

i only will sacrifice the best part of my heart

and if my loss is my gain, i would lose everything

and lose it again just to capture You

i'd lose everything just to worship You

if the sun lost its fire, You are the light

if love lost its power, You are faithful

if there was no tomorrow, You never end

You alone, You alone, You alone be praised

i'm coming to waste my oil, to pour it all on You

i'm coming to take the cup, to fill it up with praise

'cause my loss is my gain, i would lose everything

and lose it again just to capture You

i'd lose everything just to worship You

not one thing goes by without You

not one morning sky without You

there is none beside, there's none but You

-leonard jones

...not lacking anything.

2010-09-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

i am God's favorite. He favors me!

on nights like these, when i look back on the last 12-14 hours of my life and see where the Lord has moved on my behalf, i feel so grateful. from Him picking out the song i would sing this morning at 10:30 (seeing as to how i still had no clue as of 9:30) to Him speaking to my heart tonight and giving me a little more insight into what He's up to, i can't begin to fill this empty space with words that could do Him justice.

i am very aware i have a lot of maturing to do, and the Lord made a truth evident to me tonight. when we won't mature on our own, He puts us in situations that force us to. of course, we have two options. we can take the easy way out, or we can push through towards Him... on our way to becoming mature and complete... not lacking anything. (i can't wait until that day of completion! i will be with Him!)

i can just feel the Lord growing me. the process is hard, He's putting me in uncomfortable positions, and more often times than not, i want to check the little box beside the statement that reads, 'i do not accept these terms of agreement.' but when i look back at who i was and then look ahead at where He's taking me, i can't help but follow Him.

He is worth my life... even my death.

i've also been amazed today at the people He's putting in my life. after Celebrate Recovery on Sunday nights (which is a ministry i'm becoming passionate about!), our women's small group meets, and each of us take about two minutes to tell what's going on in our lives. (some run a little longer. me? i'm still trying to hit the two minute mark.) the transparency overwhelms and encourages me so much. we don't try to fix each other, we just listen to each other. in listening to everyone else's stories, i've learned about myself. in hearing how the Lord is ministering to others, He's ministered to me.

this journey is incredible.

oh, and i got to church early this afternoon, so i was able to play the piano in the dark sanctuary by myself for a good five minutes before someone came and turned the lights on. it was so peaceful and probably the best five minutes of my day.

ramblings of the heart.

2010-09-05T21:13:00.000-07:00

i've been saved since i was 5 years old. i remember the day so clear. i had come to understand that i needed Him, and i was so excited for my pastor to come to my house to help lead me in the prayer to ask Jesus in my heart. i remember the pureness of it all and literally imagining Jesus coming in and dwelling in me.

while we've been in this relationship with each other ever since, i've wandered off... forgotten Him... more times than i can count. i used to think this roller coaster of emotions... wrong choices... life... [fill in the blank] was just experienced by me, but now i know it's experienced by everyone that's ever lived. we are on the mountain trying to be perfect, and when we just can't succeed, we get frustrated. we feel guilty. and ashamed. and the next thing we know we're so far deep in the valley we can barely see the Light. some of us reach up anyway, get help, and eventually make it back up to stand on the mountain for a while before spiraling down again. and some of us just believe it's a lost cause and stay there. it's a never-ending cycle.

we're sinful. we're fallen. we are nothing outside of His grace.

but the good news is that whether we're having a good 'spiritual' day, or whether we feel so sinful we can barely stand to look at ourselves in the mirror, the Lord is faithful. the Lord is always good. He has no bad days. He is always the same. and the more we fix our eyes on Jesus and allow His Word to transform us, the more our perspective begins to match up with His. He is the author and perfecter of our faith, and He is faithful to complete in us what He started. Hallelujah!

i've been in some low places. everyone knows what i'm talking about. we may not all be transparent about them, but we all have our low places... places we don't want anyone else to know exist. they may all look different, but they are really all the same. sin is sin.

i just recently joined a new church, and i've grown more in the last few months than i have in a long, long time. the openness and transparency of my church now overwhelms me. one of the most important lessons i've learned is the critical need for accountability. it can never be 'just me and Jesus.' it sounds good... it sounded good to me at one time too... but the body of Christ was made for a reason. we have GOT to lift each other up in prayer and hold one another accountable. Christ is living in us, but our flesh will always be getting in the way on earth. it's just so good to know we're not in this alone. with growth comes attack [as i have experienced in the last couple of weeks probably more than any other time in my life], and knowing brothers and sisters are on our sides is a blessing from the Lord.

one more thought, and i'm done. [i haven't rambled this much on my blog in a good year. it feels pretty satisfying.]

when we are seeking the Lord and trying to be obedient to His voice, the places He calls us to and the things He tells us will not always be the most popular. following Him may even look foolish to the world and cause people to turn against us. [isn't that the understatement of the century?!] He has put people in our lives to counsel us and give us Godly advice, that's for sure, but we have to make sure what people say lines up with the Word of God. we can all be quick to spit out an opinion, even if it stems from a good motive just to protect the ones we love, but we can't always assume our 'facts' are facts and not be open to correction. oh, and i'd much rather be too forgiving than not forgiving enough. why? because i've seen the depths of my sin and know how capable any of us are of doing the unspeakable. i forgive because i've been forgiven!

i've been reading in Matthew for the past week, and the Gospels aren't for the faint of heart. the cost of following Jesus is high.

Now when Jesus saw a crowd around him, he gave orders to go over to the other side. And a scribe came up and said to him, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go." And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head." Another of the disciples said to him, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." And Jesus said to him, "Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead."

Following the Lord is not going to be comfortable. we're more than likely going to step on a lot of toes along the way. but i know this... the popular, Americanized, dimmed-down version of Christianity just isn't cutting it for me. call me extreme. better yet... radical. besides, that's who Jesus is.

the only time we're sure of is now.

2010-08-18T17:48:00.000-07:00

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

Isaiah 43:18-19

to be truthful, i've never really thought i had a great testimony. but see... if the Lord's in it... it is great. and it's worth telling.

Craig had asked me to sing a couple weeks ago, and of course i said yes. i could sing all day long to anyone. but when he came back up to be at the hospital a few days ago and asked me if i'd share some of my testimony before i sang, i just looked at him. as i told the congregation Sunday, my flesh was saying "say no! please say no!"

...but my spirit was saying yes. it won over this time around.

i just have to say the Lord really came through for me. doesn't He always? how easily i forget until i step into faith and see again.

i was nervous at first, but when i started speaking about Jesus, the words just flowed out of me. i told my mom i could've probably talked for another ten minutes, and if you know me, that's huge! i do love to talk. i have since i was little. my parents have called me "chatty Cathy" for as long as i can remember. but stick me in front of a crowd, and the talking is over. anyway, i digress.

the point is... Jesus is so good. if we are willing, He is faithful.

i've told the Lord throughout my life that i just want to make a difference, but it amazes me when He actually provides an opportunity. i think it's because even after i blow it over and over again, He still wants to use me.

THAT is so incredible to me. that He continues to draw me to Himself. that He never lets me get too far gone. that nothing or no one can snatch me out of His grasp.

so.... Sunday was my baby step. if i want to make a difference, i'm going to have to learn how to be uncomfortable every once in awhile. i'm also going to stop talking about the person i want to be and start actually being.

if we don't follow Him out of our comfort zone, how do we really learn to trust Him? there has to be a time when we stop talking about changing and take action.

and the only time we're sure of is now.

help some sisters out.

2010-08-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

I just received a package from my friend Carla all the way from Uganda!

If anyone wants to buy any jewelry that was made by the widows living there with AIDS, let me know. I have sets of bracelets, necklaces, and earrings that range from $12-20. By supporting this project, you would be helping them with medicines, transportation, food, and school supplies for their children.

If you want to know more, visit: Lamplighter Ministries

(Oh, and the jewelry is so cute!)

life in the fast lane.

2010-07-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

i survived the rapids.

and i'm going to the Lady A concert at the Fox Theatre in November! they have some major talent and are right up there on my list next to George Strait.

now, don't judge. i do have a wide taste in music. if you scrolled through my iPod you'd see. but you just can't beat country music. i love the stories, and i love blaring them in my car in the summertime.

every day i drive by a little white church

it's got these little white crosses like angels in the yard

maybe i should stop on in and say a prayer

maybe talk to God like He is there

oh, i know He's there, yeah, i know He's there

-lady antebellum

p.s. i hate i haven't updated much about life lately. my excuse is that i've been enjoying it too much to make the time. it's been flyyyying by. my last thought by an anonymous someone... never get to busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

love. :)

i'll always call you home.

2010-07-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

(i totally stole this off of sarah teague's blog.)

if i ever left this town
i’d never settle down
i’d just be wandering around
if i ever left this town

if i wasn’t by your side
i’d never be satisfied
nothin’ would feel just right
if i wasn’t by your side

cause i’m not easy to understand
but you know me like the back of your hand
i’m your girl and you’re my man
and we’re makin’ plans

we can go on and on
won’t ever feel too long
i’ll always call you home
and we’ll go on and on

‘cause i know you like the back of my hand
got a heart of gold and a piece of land
i’m your girl and you’re my man
and we’re makin’ plans

-miranda lambert

we'll gaze into the flames and look for You.

2010-06-19T12:56:00.000-07:00

if You say go, we will go

if You say wait, we will wait

if You say step out on the water

and they say it can't be done

we'll fix our eyes on You and we will come...

this empty page is intimidating me now.

a few years ago when i had a thousand other places to be besides on my bed writing, ideas would come one right after another. now that i’m here with no other obligations, i sit and wait.

and wait.

......and...wait...

the only reason i’m here now is because i’m home and the power is off. my options are thin. i could go read a book... which is what i would normally do in this scenario. but today, i just keep staring at this page like i’m secretly hoping the words appear and the answers become clear.

i’m currently listening to Coeur De Pirate, and although i understand none of the words, the music... along with her voice... is so beautiful. i almost think the words would ruin it for me.

words mean everything to me. don’t get me wrong.

let me rephrase that.

truthful words mean everything to me.

there are so many words that float around with no meanings and sting and corrupt and make their ways down so deep into our hearts that it makes it hard to know which ones to believe.

so... more often than not, i enjoy moments with no words at all.

words can make the truth blurry to us.

too may words, too little action. i’ll say it again and again and again...

too many words. too little action.

the power came back on about thirty minutes ago, and i’m still here. this is progress. it used to be somewhat easy for me and now it’s not.

who am i kidding? it was never easy.

it will be easy one day, but for now, i’ll press on.

...Your ways are higher than our ways

and the plans that You have made are good and true

if You call us to the fire, You will not withdraw Your hand

We'll gaze into the flames and look for You

-Rita Springer

born to run

2010-05-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

a few weeks ago i was sitting at my desk at the hospital when Matt, a guy i graduated with, came up to me. i was a little surprised because in high school he didn't talk much. if i'm remembering correctly, all he said was, "i had a dream about you last night. you didn't have your crutches anymore." i'm sure i responded with an "ohh... cool!" or something like that and didn't think much more about it.

i didn't think about it until two weeks ago when Kimberly told me about a tag she saw on a parked car right before we headed to Florida. it said... "Emily H: born to run." as usual, we laughed hysterically.

i'd say at least 7 times out of 10 having a disability can be quite comical. there are always stories to tell... whether it's falling face first in the sand or having an old man say to me, "well hello there, four legs!" in an elevator full of people. my first response has always been to laugh, and i wouldn't even say that the laughter has been to cover something deeper up. i really do have a good time with my disability... most of the time...

...but, at times, it's hard. sometimes i feel unlovable because my body isn't whole. i really hate admitting that too. i'm transparent when it comes to most things, but not this one. i've never wanted sympathy, and i despise when people feel sorry for me. it's humiliating.

who would have ever thought that my disability could stir up so much pride in me? pride that used to almost always refuse a favor and pride that never allowed me to be honest with myself until now.

i couldn't even begin to count the times i've been told about visions and dreams of me completely healed.

unbroken. new. whole.

so many times that, now, i just push them to the back of mind or forget the words were spoken at all.

perhaps the Lord is trying to get my attention again. maybe He's telling me that even though my eyes can't see the promises being fulfilled, He hasn't forgotten.

Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

1 Peter 4:19

i'd like to say i've used all of my suffering for good, but at times, i've tried restoring what i've felt was lost with everything else but Him.

for me, it's usually in my weakness that i learn the most about myself.

i learn that i, in fact, do have insecurities and just attempt to cover them up with the world. i learn that i'm not quite as strong as i'd like to be. i learn that the sins of other people i've looked down upon can soon become my own chains if i let them. and i learn over and over again that without Him, i am absolutely nothing.

so, Lord, let me suffer well. let them look at me and see You.

and whether i run down here or with You, remind me that i will run.

my pain and all
the trouble caused
no matter how long
i believe that there’s Hope
buried beneath it all
and hiding beneath it all
and growing beneath it all

-Paramore

Stephie has a new last name!

2010-05-23T18:48:00.000-07:00

Mr. and Mrs. Albert Chan :)

SnoBiz

2010-05-15T19:41:00.000-07:00

my friend, Adam Kidd, does something new every summer. one summer he made it point to learn all about cars. last summer or the summer before he sported the "frohawk." a couple of weeks ago i decided to start this summer tradition.

this summer's task? to try every flavor of SnoBiz (...or "Rainbow Sno"). if i counted right (and it's very possible i'm off by one or two), there are 47 flavors to try.

flavors i've tried so far:

1. Tiger's Blood

2. Frog in a Blender

3. Ice Cream (not as good as it sounds... i didn't even finish it)

4. Georgia Peach

5. Strawberry Daiquiri

i've tried a few more, but i've made it a rule for myself that it doesn't count until i actually get my own. i realize this is a little intense and OCD of me. i also told myself that i only have to get 46 out of the 47 flavors, because the Banana repulses me.

thanks, Mom, for always being willing to take late-night trips with me to the Rainbow Sno. it's very supportive of you.

brown paper packages tied up with strings...

2010-05-04T18:27:00.000-07:00

...these are a few of my favorite things...

tulips. kept promises. being free. piano. children. a full moon. log cabins. singing. Jesus. stars. changing the atmosphere. spades. love. wide, open fields on the back of a horse. cowboys. playing/sleeping in the rain. Europe. Yogurt Mountain. worship. cherry blossoms. laughing 'til i cry. the music up and my windows down. sarcasm. Virginia. dreams. friendly texts. hope. the crimson Tide. a good book. four-wheeling. roasting marshmallows. pearls. courage. being understood. weeping willows. guitar. Lady Antebellum. the river walk. good wine. great danes. adventures. having a good story to tell. making situations more awkward. purpose. lyrics. making a difference. letting go.

take that, Facebook. you can't get away with up and deleting my "interests" section too easily.

full and overflowing...

2010-04-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

so, i started my new job this week. besides feeling like i have no idea what really goes on in a hospital, i love it. there are so many details it's unreal. don't hold me to it, but i will really try not to complain while sitting in a waiting room ever again. i'll try to replace my usual thought that goes something like... "how LONG does it take to pull my file and call my name and get me OUT of this boring room with the bland walls?" with something a little more peaceful.

i imagine the people i've met so far think i'm pretty sane and sufficient. i've had to tell a few hundred nurses that i can't help them and several hundred patients that i don't really know where in the world they should be going, but other than that, i feel like i'm making progress.

i haven't done anything totally stupid at work yet [i'm just giving it time], but that's me not counting my first day in the hospital... orientation.

we were divided up into teams and competed throughout the day for a prize [...ended up being Gadsden Regional notepads]. one exercise was to line up according to the months and days we were born without signing or talking. of course at the end we had to tell everyone our birthdays, and i blurted out that mine is november 11th. my birthday is not november 11th. i was six days short. immediately i thought, "why did i say that?" i still couldn't tell you.

but... BUT... i ended up redeeming myself [for lack of a better term] at the end of the day when i lead my team to victory. leave it to the only girl in the group to have a good head on her shoulders.

i only have one more story, and then i'm done.

the other day i went to Occupational Health for my physical and really surprised myself. i went knowing i was going to have a drug test, and when i got there, i couldn't for the LIFE of me urinate. you know, you're supposed to pee up to the black line or it's no good. i collected one, measly drop, and for some reason, i kept it. i held it up to the nurse standing outside the bathroom door apologizing for not being able to get enough. thank goodness he's a nice guy. he's actually my friend now. go figure. i told him he'd always know me as "the girl that couldn't pee in the cup the first time."

i was very thankful it was overflowing the second time around.

heavenly hash

2010-04-04T20:50:00.000-07:00

i love this lady... and she made some heavenly hash for me today that was very tasty.

this little Light of mine...

2010-03-31T07:46:00.000-07:00

God healed my car... and He's healing me, too. oh, and He gave me presciption coverage. :)

it's easier for me to see Him when it's dark out. for most people, i suppose it's the other way around. there's just something about having to stumble to the Light that's appealing to me. the more i have to reach and search for Him in the darkness, the more i appreciate His goodness to me. in the blackest of nights, He shines the brightest.

He didn't come to us without a price. how do we expect to draw near to Him for free?

sacrifice. i don't think i know what this word really even means yet. i pray i have a better understanding of its weight tomorrow... and an even better understanding of it the day after. i want to see Him in His fullness when i have nothing left.

i'm feeling a little more courageous than usual tonight, so...

strip me, Lord. let the sickness or poverty or heartbreak or loneliness come if You will.

just leave me You.

Love is not consolation. It is light.

Friedrich Nietzsche

just call me a buzzkill.

2010-03-29T15:45:00.000-07:00

i've been riled up ever since my feet hit the floor at 8:45 this morning. i had to pay $56 for a visit to the doctor that lasted all of 3 minutes to get a prescription that's going to be around $275 to fill...every month. my two insurance cards do me no good, none of the pharmacies have payment plans, and everyone i've talked to today has been rude. and i realize this might be a bit of a buzzkill, but i should be allowed to vent every once in awhile, right?

right.

so later today... i was stopped at a red light. i was at the very front of the line. kids were just getting out of school, so traffic was heavier than usual. the light turned green, i pressed the gas, and.... nothing. my car was dead in the middle of an intersection. i tried pushing the 'emergency light' button but was so frazzled that i'm pretty sure i was pushing the rear window button instead. i roll my windows down, look out awkwardly to my right and to my left, and just hope someone nice comes and lends a hand. i don't know how long i sat there, but it seemed like forever. after throwing my hand out the window signaling the line of cars behind me to go around [it HAD to have been two miles long], people finally get the picture.

[enter Jacob]. i still don't know him, and i didn't even get his last name. i wish i would have paid him or something. he whips in front of me, hooks me and my car to his truck with a chain, and hauls me to the nearest parking lot. he definitely held true to his "cowboy up" sticker on his back window.

if this had happened any other day, it would have seemed perfectly normal. but today... today was one of those days where i could've thought, "if something else really weird happens, this day might just go down in history as the worst day of my life." and something else really weird happened. of course it did.

but then i looked up and saw the full moon tonight, and it turned out not to be the worst day of my life after all. and it's good to know of another gentleman in the world. :)

Joy

2010-03-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

1. i've driven home [home, home... Gadsden, home] every night this week. there's just something about that drive that does me some good.

2. i got mail today! Kimberly sent me a card she figured i'd love, and she was right. there are two guys on the front, and one is asking the other, "be honest... does my ass look fat in these pants?" of course he's pointing to his donkey with jeans on behind him. thanks, Kimberly. :)

3. i only have one more day of work until the beach! my plans are to bake, read, eat, sleep, and repeat.

4. i bought a shirt at Anthropologie today marked down to $9.95 from $68. score!

5. "Everything you now do is something you have chosen to do. Some people don't want to believe that. But if you're over twenty-one, your life is what you're making of it. To change your life, you need to change your priorities." John C. Maxwell

6. I think it's safe to say I'm addicted to Yogurt Mountain.

7. www.bohbackpacks.com [i have on the JOY bracelet right now!]

love's a risk worth taking.

2010-03-12T00:05:00.000-08:00

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

C.S. Lewis

horse talk...

2010-03-08T21:56:00.000-08:00

my flesh is pulling me one way, and His Spirit is drawing me the right way... to the Light.

these two are always at battle inside of me, and like Matthew 26:41 states, "...the flesh is indeed willing, but the spirit is weak."

simple analogy for today: if i went through life pretending i was on the back of a horse, everything would turn out better [well, for the most part].

you see, to ride a horse well, you do the opposite of what your instincts are. instinct is to become tense, so you loosen up. instinct is to lean forward gripping the reigns tightly, so you need to sit back, relax, and give the horse its head. you get the picture.

i think tomorrow i'll try to go against my natural tendencies and see where it gets me. i have a feeling my decisions will be wiser and my countenance a little more radiant.

*[side note]: just to clarify, i'm aware that in certain situations, your instincts are best [example #1: your house is on fire, and you have to get your family out alive in less than a minute. your natural impulse kicks in, you save the day, and you're the local hero for a week. example #2 that's a lot like example #1 except more generalized: you're in a life or death situation you've never found yourself in before, you make an impulse decision without even having time to think, you save yourself or others from the impending danger, and moments later when you DO have time to think, you ask yourself... "what just happened?"].

ok, that's all for now.

love is action.

2010-03-07T20:46:00.000-08:00

the longer i live, the less i feel like i know. i really don't know much at all, but one thing i do know is summed up into three little words...

LOVE IS ACTION.

i'm glad that truth has been reiterated to me today. sure, love can produce emotion, but it's not just a feeling. it's shown by what we do. love can't be shown without sacrifice.

Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

1 John 3:18

just look around.

2010-03-02T20:36:00.000-08:00

try and put your arms around the 100 year old tree

climb up on a horse and let it run full speed

take a look down at the world from 30,000 feet on your next flight

watch a flock of birds against the morning sun

close your eyes and listen to the river run

catch a firefly in your hand or a raindrop on your tongue, that's right

there is a God

how much proof do you need?

plant a seed and see what comes out of the ground

find the heartbeat on your baby's ultrasound

in a few years hear it laughing,

and don't it sound like a song?

stop and think about what you don't understand

things like life and love and how the world began

hear the doctor say he can't explain it,

but the cancer is gone

science says it's all just circumstance

like this whole worlds just an accident

but if you want to shoot that theory down, look around

just look around

there is a God

how much proof do you need?

-lee ann womack

what a week.

2010-02-25T20:38:00.000-08:00

and it's not even over.

highlight of my week so far: standing in line to pay for a bottle of water [after accidentally walking out of the cafeteria and stealing it five minutes before] and a young gentleman in front of me paying for it instead.

not so bright part of my week so far: feeling like i was transported back to high school Monday morning and not being able to return to the present since. my dermatologist decided to put me on Accutane starting next month, and yes, a pregnancy test was included. while most of my friends went through this joyous phase in high school, i'm just now catching up. so... if you see me and notice my chapped lips, bleeding nose, and mood swings, you can just blame it on the medicine.

oh, and in case you were anxiously awaiting the results from my pregnancy test, i'm NOT pregnant.

off to bed. dentist tomorrow. yippee skippee.

I will be here still.

2010-02-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
and so you fight to keep from pouring out
but what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul?
do you think that there's enough that you would drown?

if no one will listen if you decide to speak
if no one's left standing after the bombs explode
if no one wants to look at you for what you really are
i will be here still

no one can tell you where you alone must go
there's no telling what you will find there
and, God, i know the fear that eats away at your bones
screaming every step, "just stay here"

if you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
if your legs have given out under the weight
if you find you've been settling for a world of gray
so you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

if no one will listen if you decide to speak
if no one's left standing after the bombs explode
if no one wants to look at you for what you really are
i will be here still
-kelly clarkson

...but you, Love, found me.

2010-02-21T20:20:00.000-08:00

i lost my love but you, Love, found me

your name is on my lips as i'm dreaming

your eyes pierce through my heart when i'm breathing

your song is resonating in my head as it sits here waiting

should the rhythm be fast or slow?

it could collide with the pounding of my heart
or move as the goodness of who you are

major or a minor key?
the melody can be a simple tune
while the harmony exemplifies everything you do

what words could do you justice?

as you speak through me i'll write to you
and the lyrics will be the truth you already knew

the memories are slowly fading

as your love is overtaking who i used to be

my thoughts you're slowly changing

and i believe all you say to me

i've found myself because you, Love, found me

Written: July 2008

but the greatest of these is Love.

2010-02-13T22:26:00.000-08:00

i should be doing a million other things... but instead i’m sitting down to write again. so many experiences...thoughts...messages...ideas seem to always circulate through my mind.. but when i sit down to type them out.. they vanish... and the only word i can conjure up is such a simple one. i write so much about it, and i think it’s because it’s the only solidity in my life... really, in the entire world.. that matters.

love.

it’s amazing how many ideas people have on this one word.. and sorry to say.. but most people have it completely wrong.. including me. most of the time. but every once in awhile, the Lord reminds me of what it truly means to love.. and i finally gain perspective again. the words, inspired by Love Himself, penetrate my shallow..hollow..soulful heart... slowly healing what was broken. it doesn’t happen in a moment but over time. the more i meditate on these words, the more i am taught. the more i learn about Him.. the more i realize how far i have left to go.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13

this is it. this is love.. and yet, it’s sometimes so hard to grasp.

we want love to be this really good feeling that we get deep inside of us. we want love to be proved to us.

thankfully, real love was proved on the cross. this love is unconditional, and no matter what has fallen through.. it believes all things.. hopes all things.. endures all things.

i long to love like Christ loves. when i forgive someone, i want His love to flow through me and cover the past. i don’t want to expect pay back, and i don’t want them to feel what i’ve felt. the love i want keeps no record of wrongs.

i’m not settling for anything less than this love. His Love.

Written: April 2008

i love snow [and snow cream].

2010-02-12T14:15:00.001-08:00

i've been saying for the past week that i want snow cream. it looks like i'm going to get my wish after all. mom has two big bowls in our front yard now collecting snow to make some.

after explaining this to ET...

ET: how do you make it?

me: there are several different ways... milk, sugar, a little vanilla. some use condensed milk.

ET: i'll google it.

ET: how many cups are in a gallon?

me: 16... thanks to the converter on my computer here.

ET: wow... that's a lot. brb... i'm going to get some snow.

[no longer than 3 minutes later...]

ET: i did it! it's good.

me: that was fast!

ET: yeah... i scraped my snow off of a bush.

ohhh, ET.

Love as it was meant to be...

2010-02-11T22:17:00.000-08:00

i’m finally letting go...

letting go of love the way i perceived it to be

and embracing love as it was meant to be.

it’s funny how someone can say only a few words to show that what they’ve been saying all along is a lie... a lie that maybe even they believe to be true.

they aren’t to blame. besides... all of us are just searching for love. we don’t want any of the replacements that satisfy for just a while... we want the true love that our hearts can barely breathe without...

i’ve learned a little more about love in the past couple of days...

love listens

love also talks back

love sets us free

love makes us feel worthy

love is satisfying

love is letting go so no more damage is done

love doesn’t grow complacent

love always finds its way in the end

love heals, and then it starts over again...

Written: January 2008

Love is living inside of me.

2010-02-07T14:01:00.000-08:00

you are my bulwark in this land, protecting me as they come at me.
i search for the mot juste to describe you.. all of you or even just a part of you.. and it doesn't come. i wish it would.

i want to fill my curio cabinet with all that is unusual about you... just unable to wrap my arms around it all.
the words you speak edify me daily. i pray your illumination will enlighten the others who surround me.
i have grown dim. my light does not shine as bright as it did before. light me again and radiate in and through me.

you cushion my falls.

you are my sustenance and help me stand...

stronger than before.

again and again.

By your favor, O LORD, you made my mountain stand strong;

you hid your face, I was dismayed.

Psalm 30:7

your distance from me has made you even more glorious. maybe this season will be ending soon, and maybe not.
the grace you show me continuously dwells in my heart, welling up in me at times as a reminder of perfection.

thank you for being perfect so i don't have to be.

you are love in its purest form... just living inside of me.

show me your face again.

let me memorize your expressions and the lines on your skin.

with a strong hand and an outstretched arm,

for his steadfast love endures forever..

Psalm 136:12

your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens,

your faithfulness to the clouds.

Psalm 36:5

you whisper your thoughts through my dreams at night. impart...intrust...utter more of yourself to me, please.
i dreamed of being separated from you, and upon awaking, i realized you were still here. thank you.
uphold me so you can better trust me. maintain me so you may choose to use me. fix my eyes on heaven.. on you.
turn my suffering into gladness and my shame into praise.
submerge me in your goodness, not letting me come up for even a breath. you're the only air i need.
as the day begins and draws to an end, let me be aware of you and what you're doing in this realm and in the other.
give me insight..revelation..but really, just more of you.

But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may

also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed,

because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.

I Peter 4:13-14

Written: December 2008

the right time for Love is now.

2010-02-05T04:39:00.000-08:00

it's 3:41am and i'm wide awake. it's a good thing i've coined today as "Get-out-of-bed-whenever-i-want-to-and-stay-in-my-pajamas-all-day Day."

it seems like i haven't really written in ages. though the excuse of not having enough time to write just isn't sufficient (considering i only work 3 days out of the week and haven't had to study 'til an unGodly hour in way too long), the words just haven't come--and i don't have the smarts to create them on my own. if you are guessing the previous statement about studying might have a hint of sarcasm in it, you are 99%... (ok, maybe 95%)...*drum roll*... WRONG.

i, in fact, miss school. i miss learning.

so, i'm going back this summer. i have two classes left to take before i can apply to OT school! Gadsden State offers one of them online, and i'm hoping JSU offers the other one. i have to say, it feels extremely good to have a plan.

...and now i'm well aware my plan could disintegrate before my very eyes, and i'm okay with it. i think that's part of the reason i've gone through this period of feeling like i don't know anything and wondering where this road is going to lead. i needed to know in my heart that when my plans fail, His will still be carried out. realizing that i don't want to go to medical school has freed me. all of those times i asked Him why the process couldn't be a little easier have lead me here. now i'm able to look at my own story and see how He's bringing beauty from the ashes.

i've been reading some of what i've written in the past few years, and it's safe to say the recurring theme is love. since it is February (i'm usually not a fan of the whole 'love month'/Valentine's idea), i thought i'd post some excerpts throughout the month.

i, being my own worst critic, always think someone else can say it better. let's face it--someone can always say it better. my words are mediocre and don't seem to have the effect i want them to, but insecurity isn't a valid reason to say nothing at all. so, here are some of my old words. i'm praying He gives me the heart i had back then.

and just for the record, you may have to remind me about my previous 'i miss school' statement once classes are back in full force. i knew i'd regret those words as i was typing them.

Seven Bridges Road

2010-01-30T17:41:00.000-08:00

i went to visit my family in Montgomery yesterday, and they took me down Seven Bridges Road. it's only appropriate that i post the lyrics...

there are stars in the southern sky

southward as you go

there is moonlight and moss in the trees

down the seven bridges road

now i have loved you like a baby

like some lonesome child

and i have loved you in a tame way

and i have loved you wild

sometimes there's a part of me

has to turn from here and go

running like a child from these warm stars

down the seven bridges road

there are stars in the southern sky

and if ever you decide you should go

there is a taste of time sweetened honey

down the seven bridges road

The Eagles = amazing.

now my wandering soul is home again for a couple days before hitting the road. i don't want the road to be my home forever, but for now, i think it fits.

The End.

2010-01-21T00:35:00.000-08:00

as i'm driving home tonight, the Lord gives me the interpretation to a dream i've had on several occasions. i wasn't praying or even thinking about the dream or Him, but in the span of about three minutes, He encourages me.

i haven't had the dream in a long time but remember having it at least three times during my life thus far. it goes something like this...

i've been kidnapped. i'm on the left side of the back seat of a black car, and there's either one or two men up front. they are yelling horrible things at me. we're going down this lonely road, and there's not many other cars or people--if any--around. the road is paved, but we're definitely not on a main highway. trees surround us, and the sun isn't shining through them. i'm covered in darkness. the further we travel, the more fearful i become. i'm alone and scared and in a strange place. i start to panic, my heart is racing, and i feel like i'm using all the strength i have left trying to get out of the car. i just want to escape and be free. i try opening the door, of course, but the door is locked. then i try beating on the window to no avail. i'm really losing my cool now. i've tried everything and almost lost every ounce of hope i have when, suddenly, the door opens and i fall out of the car onto the pavement. i feel relieved, but i'm still so tired from fighting. i don't even have the energy to stand. i'm crawling down the road and finally come to the end. i don't even remember how long it takes me to get there, but i think it's a while. i look up from my knees, and i know i've finally reached my destination. there are people everywhere. the sun is shining so bright. there are rows of tables with kids eating and laughing. the carousel is in the background going around and around. i'm at a carnival and probably thinking about cotton candy. everyone is happy, including me. i'm not afraid anymore.

then i wake up.

when i first had this dream as a little girl, i had no idea what was coming. i didn't know life would be this tiresome. i think i have a better perspective of life now, but even still, tomorrow will surprise me.

some days, like today, i'm reminded that this life is a vapor; but most days seem like they'll never end. i struggle. i try and tear the walls of my heart down myself instead of letting Him do the work for me. i do my best to open doors and bust out windows to escape before it's time. i crawl much more than i stand. the road stretches out before me, and no matter how i try, i can't even hold my head up long enough to see the end.

but the end is there, and it's so good. the beginning and in-between may be blurry and dark, and i may feel like the light is never going to break through the trees. but it will. it has to. so, i'll just give it time. i'll breathe in and out, panting at times, knowing the end is worth all of this.

we'll be torches together.

2010-01-20T01:52:00.000-08:00

why burn poor and lonely?

under a bowl or under a lampshade

or on the shelf beside the bed

where at night you lay turning like a door on its hinges

first on your left side, then on your right side

then your left side again

why burn poor and lonely?

tell all the stones we're gonna make a building

we'll be cut into shape and set into place

or if you'd rather be a window, i'll gladly be the frame

reflecting any kind of words, we'll let in all the blame

and ruin our reputation all the same

so never mind our plan making, we'll start living...

anyway, aren't you unbearably sad?

then why burn so poor and lonely?

we'll be like torches, we'll be like torches

we'll be like torches, we'll be torches together

why pluck one string, what good is just one note?

oh, one string sounds fine i guess, but we were once "One Note"

we were lonely wheat, quietly ground into grain

what light and momentary pain

so why this safe distance, this curious look?

why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book?

why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar?

strum the guitar, strum the guitar

strum the guitar with no beginning, with no end

take down the guitar and strum the guitar

strum the guitar if you're afraid and i'm afraid, everyone's afraid

and everyone knows it but we don't have to be afraid anymore

-mewithoutYou

you'll find me in Stars Hollow.

2010-01-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

Lorelai: "I just don't want to do or say anything else that's going to be completely moronic. "

Rory: "I'm afraid once your heart is involved, it all comes out in moron."

and then, His glory is revealed..

2010-01-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

i was reading some old posts i'd written and came upon this. i get so caught up in not being able to see what's in front of me, i forget who's beside me. this was just a reminder...

my eyes are barely open.. and my surroundings blurry.

as the minutes pass by, the blurriness spreads across my entire view of the world, and i can hardly see.

apprehension sets in, and i'm scared to keep going.

i keep driving. i keep moving.

as i drive, i notice the headlights on the cars in front of me..coming toward me.. but instead of there being just two or four.. there are hundreds.

lights are coming from every direction, and i can't help but stare.

the lights coming from the cars shine across the street and join with the lights coming from the lampposts, and because of the rain, they create some of the most magnificent colors i've ever seen.

the light is multiplied and radiating all around me.. all because of the blurriness.

so.. blurriness isn't always bad.

the blurriness just makes the Light even more glorious.

Rammer Jammer

2010-01-11T21:12:00.000-08:00

[disclaimer]: this video does contain the word "hell." more than once. i would normally try and bleep it out, but to be honest, i can't remember what i was doing in all the excitement after the game (besides bonking a random guy's head in front of me and high-fiving and hugging everyone i came in contact with). besides, i consider beating the hell out of someone a good thing. and the female voice you hear over the rest? yours truly.

remember the Rose Bowl...

2010-01-11T21:04:00.000-08:00

...we'll win then!

...and i have to say that i'm pretty upset about being back in 15 degree weather.

Radical Experiment

2010-01-03T18:50:00.000-08:00

for those of you who are looking for something new to do in 2010, here's an idea...

The Radical Experiment

and it starts tomorrow, so you're not even behind yet...

it's all just a process...

2010-01-01T22:33:00.000-08:00

for the past several years i haven't made new year's resolutions, seeing how i hardly ever follow through with anything for too long; so, i'll just say the following is a list i'd LIKE to accomplish/witness during 2010. it's better this way. if i put too much pressure on myself, it all goes downhill, and i do realize this is probably a character flaw. see there... the pressure is already building...

_______________________________________

1. play the piano and guitar a little more than last year

2. journal (dreams, sermons, experiences, etc.)

3. read the Bible in its entirety (the plan i'll be using is found on www.brookhills.org)

4. tithe (i have to confess i haven't been doing this on a regular basis, and i guess i've used the whole "church-hopping" issue as an excuse. do i give to the church where i'm being fed or give to the one i'm still a member of? if any of you have any wisdom, feel free to comment. either way, the money is going to do the Lord's work, so where is probably irrelevant.)

5. be reminded daily of His perspective, not my own

_______________________________________

whether i stay in the wilderness or find myself on a mountaintop, He is still the same. He is holy. there is a purpose for everything under the sun, and i want to continue to be mindful of this truth. He hasn't wiped me out yet, so there's something left for me to do. i want to carry out His purpose for me and be faithful to the end.

last night i was driving home from work and looking at the sky (which wasn't too smart considering i was driving), and i was a little overwhelmed. there were streaks in the clouds that looked like finger marks and the moon was peaking out from behind them. it reminded me of getting in the car on cold mornings when i was younger and writing my name on the windows. my name would be there until we went through a car wash or the rain washed it away.

my name is now written on His heart, and it can never be erased. thank you, Jesus.

Before the throne of God above

I have a strong and perfect plea.

A great high Priest whose Name is Love

Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,

My name is written on His heart.

I know that while in heaven He stands

No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within,

Upward I look and see Him there

Who made an end of all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died

My sinful soul is counted free.

For God the just is satisfied

To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there the risen Lamb,

My perfect spotless righteousness,

The great unchangeable I AM,

King of glory and of grace,

One in Himself I cannot die.

My soul is purchased by His blood,

My life is hid with Christ on high,

With Christ my Savior and my God!

-Vicki Cooke, Charitie Bancroft

i've wandered down the wrong way so many times, but He never lets me get too far gone. He's always correcting me and bringing me back. and He shows me so much mercy.

this year is going to be a good one.

Lord, teach me.

p.s. this is really random, but if you're a regular reader of my blog and disagree with something i write... please, please, please comment. correct me. teach me. this is all just a process, and we're in this thing together.

merry little Christmas!

2009-12-24T23:40:00.000-08:00

the stars were bright tonight.

2009-12-21T23:43:00.000-08:00

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

Oscar Wilde

...because He first loved me.

2009-12-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

i supply, you demand

is this the deal we made?

making up and compensating for and filling this space inside you

but never gaining anything

my reserves are running low

is your conscious wearing thin?

occupying your half vacant heart until [hopefully] Someone better rides up

and ropes you in again

you want without words

will you claim me as a right?

covering you with love and arming you with certainty will never get old

but how i wish it would be returned this time...

...i endure, you attain

what is love without a price?

fighting is not fighting at all if there is no battle to win or cost to pay

so let me give my love away

several of the conversations i've had with friends during the past few weeks have been about love and our views of it. these conversations got me to thinking about how God's view of love is completely opposite of ours. we have this idea that if we give of ourselves, we need something in return. it's been ingrained into us. our pride tells us we shouldn't be the ones making all of the effort.. all of the phone calls.. all of the sacrifices... and on and on..

..but the love of God goes beyond our ideas and thoughts and reaches to the lowest places. He loves us regardless of our actions, and He commands us to love as He loves. i'm still learning, little by little, but i want to love like Him. yes, others may title it as being weak or taken advantage of, but it's only because they have a different definition of love than the one found in Scripture...

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me. I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again. God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

-Donald Miller "Blue Like Jazz"